I have realized something
I should have seen long ago.
I don’t know who I am.
Maybe I did when I was five…
running in the sun, swinging and climbing…
playing silly games.
Or was I just trying to be like them?
I wanted to be one of the cool kids
but I never saw the truth.
I didn’t need to become them.
I was cool just being me.
Did I ever really love that song?
Want those clothes?
Think those thoughts?
Or was I still trying to be someone else…
someone they (he?) wanted me to be?
I made the choices I thought
would make them (him?) love me.
I never thought they (he?) would want me
if I broke away…
if I didn’t do the cool thing…
even if it was the wrong thing.
What would I have done
if I truly thought about what I wanted…
what was best for me
and would make me… me?
I will never know because…
I don’t know who I am.
©2017-2018 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
I love this Sandra, so honest, almost primeval. I do so hope you find yourself.
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Thanks. Maybe someday…
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Tis a curious curio indeed! I bought a record which I’m not sure if I like it or not, so now I’m thinking maybe I really like this, and not all the other stuff I got, in which case, which is the real me? I feel like Dr Who, being re-generated!
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That’s a good analogy… Dr Who. But I really should have figured out who I am by now… 🙁
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Well don’t forget we are all interconnected as humans, so what we do for ourselves effects others and we do need role models as well as peers, no man is an island they say!
Sometimes I do feel I’ve been a bit of a doormat, and thats not something I’m comfortable with, too willing to oblige, or maybe its cowardice? Or duplicity? As in – I’ll pretend to be amicable, when really I’m feeling idiotic in that situation. “Group thinks” can be dumb, so its a bit of and indirect path avoiding pitfalls.
I really feel I could be anyone – people who think they are “someone” are probably on an ego trip, I do believe each of us have something individual to offer, even if its really just the talent of knowing we’re all alike, that res us up to develop that part of each of us which is “unique” – or rather a unique blend – make sense?
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It does make sense. I’m just feeling really lost at the moment. I feel like I’ve done a lot of things in my life because I thought I was “supposed to” but maybe not because I wanted to. I think, at least in part, because I’ve never known what I wanted. I really still don’t. I just “wanted” what I thought I was supposed to want.
Also, I’m feeling sad today… so so everything I’m saying is probably skewed because of that…
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Its really such a conundrum, unravelling the pre-programming – as an artist I have to ask myself what I want to do and why, and what is my idea and what someone else, in the end I just go with what feels original in a given moment, some aspects of it gets easier, and others yet more difficult – its not easy trying to be a semi-existentialist. Why even be an artist? Sod off brain! I like it 🙂
Hope you feel less sad soon …
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I get lost wondering which thoughts are my own and which came from somewhere (or someone) else. With writing, mostly, but also when I create new designs. (Though I’m no artist in the way you are!) There’s a lot of overthinking…
Thanks so much. 🙂
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Its a tough journey, but one we’re all on one way or another 🙂
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I agree very honest. But also philosophical. I would say that people are always evolving so who we are is always changing. If who you are in the moment is not someone you know are like, start doing something’s you would like to do and that fits better with image of yourself you have, even just working towards them. Sometimes soul searching is helpful but taking action, any action helps develop you. Make a list of all your best qualities, your roles in life, and your goals, even your worst qualities and from that I think u can grow and alter away from the qualities you like least. Improve on them even though they be flaws. And be easy on yourself if you think you could or might be a certain quality write that down before Doubt intercedes. Ones self is an ongoing project. I think your design items, your notebooks, t-shirts and cards etc. Is a great way to finding you and so is your blogging nd writing. So it’s being the kind of mother you want your kids to have.
Does this help. I’d also pray to God to help you find yourself. But I know that’s not your problem hung, but know I’m praying for you anyways.
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I do think we’re always evolving like you said. I’m just not sure if I’ve truly made decisions for me or for others. And I’m kind of stuck now.
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Hmm, little changes are always a good place to start. Right? Good luck. 🙏🏻💕
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*kind of thing
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But you will find her, life is built that way ❤
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I don’t know… some days I’m not very hopeful. Thanks for your lovely comment. ♥
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My pleasure. Maybe if you read my last post, it has your journey in it ❤ 😀
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I read it… but honestly, I don’t see myself in it. I’m not sure I have happiness inside me. Not real, true happiness. I’ve looked for it inside (and outside) myself for so many years…
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Oh it is there. Only unknown now because of those walls that keep us in our fear, negativity, doubt…and the many masks we wear to protect ourselves from them.
We take on those fears at a very early age and lock them in by about 9 or 10 years old. And as we grow we forget the ‘why’ we have locked them in, and in doing that all we ever do then is to build them bigger and bigger for the effect they have on us, but never the why.
You will know your fear by one thing, the thing that always makes you feel angry, hurt and rejected in all your relationships. They may be done in different ways, but they will all affect you the same in their outcome,
Down inside there, buried beneath that wall is your answer. Find it, see it for what it is…and you are free ❤
And don't try to dig it out on your own, that's what beautiful friends are for each time another relationship breaks because of those fears, even though we point the finger at the other partner all the time. In truth, it is the 'why' we react as we do to them, that is where the pain is 😀
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I honestly don’t know how to change things. Sorry… I’m just not in a great place right now. Not sure how to figure any of this out. I already know it’s all my fault which is why I have so many regrets.
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The biggest and most beautiful thing you can do for yourself, and others, is understand the ‘why’. Then in doing so you will heal your heart, and then give from a heart to all else you ever meet or be a part of.
I understand while your going through the trauma of something quite deep can take over your life to the exclusion of all else, but that has purpose so that you will gradually ‘see’ why it has occurred, and then begin to rebuild that lovely heart.
Holding yourself in a negative pattern is just a sign to show you where your pain is…read it, understand it, and you are free.
Believe in yourself Sandra, our negativities are part of the journey too so that we will understand why we don’t love ourselves and break free from a lifetime of believing something that is a lie from our childhood, something that hurt us so deep that we wall it over and are afraid to look at it, and keeps hurting us as life goes on. Find that pattern of pain in your life and go looking within it…it is in there that your happiness lays, the discovery of something that in its profound simplicity, will astound you ❤
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I’m not sure I truly understand what you’re saying. I know the source of my pain and negativity and I’ve examined it for years. But nothing has changed… Happiness still eludes me.
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Ok Snadra, without knowing a little more specifics it is hard to give you any further guidance at this point. If you wish, and feel up to contacting me on my ‘Contact’ page on my site I can help you to ‘see’ your holding pattern. All information is strictly private and there is only myself here to guide 🙂
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Oops, spelt your name wrong Sandra 😀
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