Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)
This week, the prompt is ‘psst‘ (or any other attention-getting noise or word)…
Psst… I’ve got a secret. I’m not sure if this is embarrassing… I’m not sure if it makes me look hypocritical… or just dumb. I’ve debated sharing this secret for a long time. Are you ready? Here it is…
I don’t get poetry.
I write it… but I don’t get it. Maybe my poetry is totally pedestrian. Maybe that’s why I get my own. But when I read others’ poetry? Most of the time I feel like an idiot. Total moron. I never even liked poetry. I remember having to read it for school. I had to consult the oracle to understand some of it.
Maybe that’s why I was so hesitant to start that poetry Blogging U course way back in Dec 2015. That and my utter lack of confidence. Before that, I barely ever wrote poetry. Just some really angst-y, embarrassing high school junk. Most of which is truly horrific.
But when I read poetry, I feel like so much of it is packed with ‘big words’ (many of which seem to be there just to be there… not because they really fit… at least in my not-so-worthy opinion)… or it’s loaded with metaphors so enigmatic that I have no idea what the fuck I’m reading.
[If you’d like to read my analysis of the types of poets, please do. For a laugh, if nothing else.]
Am I a moron? Sometimes, I wonder. Which is crazy because by all accounts (and tests and shit), I’m far more intelligent than the average human. (Oh my! Was that confidence?? I wouldn’t know it if it bit me in the ass.)
The thing is… I get music. Lyrics, I mean. I understand what I hear… and lyrics are often the biggest factor in whether or not I like a song. That’s poetry, isn’t it? So maybe it’s just certain kinds of poetry that leave me feeling dumb.
So… that’s my secret. I read a lot of poetry around here… and I support my fellow poets. Sometimes, I get it… I identify with it and everything. But, damn, sometimes, I wonder if I’m just a hack because I’m, like, ‘WTF was that?’
©2017 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Best fucking post ever… I like this secret.
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Really? You’re the best. ♥
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yes really
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You’re an artist of the word at a high level, without realization.
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You think? It’s incredible how often I feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing! In any part of my life…
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I keep saying, we’re like friggin soul-sisters!
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🙂
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I love this post because its the truth. Like standing in the middle of the Louvres trying to figure out the hype around certain pieces of art or liking the more obscure works that no one talks about. I don’t get poetry much either. But poetry is “personal” so we each take what we see in it. Usually only the poet knows the undertones of it all. You are far from moron!
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I just feel really dumb sometimes… like I’m supposed to “get it” but I don’t. And I feel like a total hypocrite for writing and posting poetry when I feel this way… People probably think the same sorts of things about me…
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IMHO, I think its more about “thinking” about it than “getting” it. Like Seth Godin’s posts…his posts have me “thinking” ’cause I don’t always understand them…You take what you can from it.
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That makes sense.
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I’m right there with you, on a lot of poetry. I have to read it really slowly, and usually a second time. Sometimes…I even have to look at other comments, to determine if my notion of what the metaphors and innuendo were at least in the right ballpark. If not, I hit like and then move along. I’m a simpleton though about most things literary. Music is generally my poetry of choice too, by the way. 😊
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Well, one time, you told me that you thought poetry was my “thing”… does that mean my poetry makes sense to you? I feel like a total hypocrite because here I am posting my crap when half the time, I don’t “get” other people’s poetry…
Also, I feel like crap today. Not that that has any bearing on this post or this conversation.
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Yes, yours makes sense to me. But yours often reminds me of song lyrics, saying much in just a few words.
Sorry you’re feeling bad today. What’s up?
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Stupid things that I’m worrying about. Maybe they’re not even worth worrying about, but I do anyway. I can’t get them out of my head no matter what I do. I feel like it’s eating away at me. I feel sick… in pain, even. I hate it.
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Breathe! Talk it out. Write it out. But breathe. 😕
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I hate when I can’t get the things that are bothering me out of my head. They scream at me. As soon as I stop thinking about them, I realize that I’ve stopped and it all comes rushing back. It’s so frustrating. I have no peace.
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Why can’t you embrace the times you aren’t thinking about them? Why can’t you give yourself the gift of an break from it?
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I just can’t get them out of my head. They barely start to fade and they’re back. I don’t have a chance to enjoy not thinking about them… that only lasts about 5 seconds…
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Man. Literally? Isn’t there anything that gives you any sort of respite from it? 😕
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Distraction. But I can’t make my own distraction… it has to involve another person or my brain just focuses on the worrysome (is that a word?) things and barely stops for 5 seconds. It’s kind of like if I start to feel good, my brain tells me that there are too many bad things in my life for me to feel good so stop it right now. And it stops… and I worry again. It sounds like a major process in my brain but it actually takes less than a minute… probably less than 30 seconds.
I was okay a little while ago while playing Slapjack with my daughter. But now she’s watching youtube or something… and my son is doing some homework… and my husband went grocery shopping… so here I sit feeling anxious and worried. I hate it so much.
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What are you worried about? Something specific or everything in general? I’m usually the latter. 😏
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Both. There are a few specific things but also everything. Always everything. I have visions of things going wrong all the time. Sometimes, they’re far-fetched… other times they’re totally possible but not really a huge deal… except in my mind. But yeah… everything.
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I hate that feeling. My wife calls in molehilling. I can’t focus on one thing because every little thing is swirling around. I feel your pain in that regard. Gotta get centered. What does that for you?
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Sometimes I can escape by reading something I wrote. I know, so self-centered. But my stories… most of them… are my fantasies… to some extent. I wish I lived in those stories instead of my real life. It’s not that everything goes perfectly, but my characters are far stronger than I am… and I’m all about the happy ending. (Yeah, both kinds.)
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Hahaha! That would probably help a bunch, huh? 😏
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Yet another problem with my life…
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Now that is a bummer. Hell man, just go attack him! 😃
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I don’t want to. That’s what it’s come to now… I don’t even want to anymore. Not with him, I mean. I guess I’ve gone so long feeling like he doesn’t want me that I don’t want him anymore. I think about it a lot… too much? But not with him. Mostly with fantasy men I invented. And yes, I realize I sound like a complete nutcase…
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Man, oh man. How long Have y’all lived like that? Are you basically just roommates at this point?
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Kind of. He says no… but that’s usually how it feels…
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That sucks. I’m stunned that he doesn’t just attack you. I mean, the urge is strong. He doesn’t get horny? 😳
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I have no idea. Maybe he deals with it on his own. That’s what I do…
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I suppose. Just seems like you both, and your relationship in general, would benefit greatly from a meeting of the minds. Taking care of it on ones own is fine and dandy, but c’mon. The real thing is always better. 😊
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I agree but like I said… not sure I even want that from him anymore. And I don’t think I could bring myself to outsource (not that I’d find a partner for that anyway)…
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I’m sorry. I hate that for you both. I admire your stance to not “outsource”, but I doubt you’d have any trouble. Like I tell my wife, guys go out hoping to get laid, but women go out and can pick who they want. It’s very unfair. 😃
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Yeah… where would I go anyway? I’m kind of a recluse. And I’m too old for that crap!
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I hear ya’. But hell, a women could pick somebody up at the gas station or grocery store if they really wanted to. But it’s good that you aren’t. That opens a whole other load of shot to worry about. 😒
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Yeah, I don’t need to give myself any more stress!
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I hear ya’. I just don’t know how much of that I could take. 😕
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I don’t feel that I have a choice…
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That sucks. 😒
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I think because I don’t really want him, specifically, anymore, it’s not as bad as it felt when I did want him but felt like he didn’t. Now I just don’t care. Oh, and he also claims that he still wants me but nothing ever happens so… I’m not sure I believe that. Or he’s just always preoccupied with stupid life stuff… stressed, distracted, tired… whatever.
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That last part happens. It’ll suck the life right out of you. If one lets it. Gotta fight through the day-to-day shit and maintain that intimacy. Besides, and I don’t know about you, but it’s a fanflippintastic stress reliever. I don’t know, man. If it’s more than a couple of days, I’m getting a little crotchety. I wish he’d see the benefit of being loving. I’m certain it would…or would have, at least…helped you be in a better place. I’m not sure what leads to this, and it’s likely different in every case, but this isn’t something you’re alone in having happened. I have friends that were, or still are, in that marriage. I’ve talked to numerous people here that are. It breaks my heart.
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I think it’s too late for us. I really do. Maybe I’m being overly negative (me?? haha… of course I am) but I just don’t want that with him anymore. I’ve lost interest. I wish I didn’t feel this way. If I didn’t, maybe I’d try harder… fight for it or something. But I think it’s too late now because I just don’t feel interested anymore. You’re right… the loving feelings… the intimacy… not just sex, but everything else — I think that would help both of us. And I really miss that. But even when I still tried, I got nowhere.
As far as sex goes, it was always the joke that men always want it and woman would say “not tonight, I have a headache.” It was the opposite here… and I guess after not getting what I needed, I finally gave up. I try as hard as I can to live with my fantasy men (and the ones I create in stories, etc.). I don’t truly get what I need from them, of course…
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I hear ya’. Gotta do what you gotta do. We’ve all been there. Just shouldn’t be there when in a long-term relationship. I’m sorry for that. I really am. For the lack of sex, of course. But almost more for that intimacy. That’s supposed to grow, not disappear. That’s what I hate most for you. I guess it’s not for me to understand, but I don’t understand. 😔
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This is why, I think, I wish I had a friend… like one around here who I could sit around with… talk and drink (coffee, I guess, but what the hell… I could learn to drink everything else) and someone to offer a hug when I need one. Sure, I’d love to have someone to give me everything else, too… the love and sex part… but I know I can’t have that.
And you’re right… it’s supposed to grow, not disappear. I don’t know how to reverse that… or if that can be reversed.
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I don’t know either. Only y’all can answer that. If it was there at one time, it should be able to be found again. But both have to do their part. I’d wish that for you in a second. 😊
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At this point… where I am now… how I feel now — it doesn’t seem possible for us to find that again. But I suppose I can’t predict the future.
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Never say never. Having a two-sided conversation, an honest and raw one, would help. I wish he’d give that to you…and that you felt strongly about doing so.
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Until I start to care again, if I ever do, I doubt that will happen… And even then… Who knows?
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Not to be suggesting anything, because I know your stance, but, how long can you live like that? Have you ever threatened an ultimatum? We talk this through or I’m done kinda conversation?
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I don’t know how long… I mean, I’m already miserable about it, you know? Ultimatum? Yes! But I know and he knows I’m never going to leave anyway so I don’t think it had any impact. I even “threatened” to cheat on him… I could tell it bothered him but he said that if I made up my mind to do that, he couldn’t stop me anyway. Which is not true… he could try to make me NOT want to do that. Duh! So I kind of translated that to ‘he doesn’t care’… even though I think he does care if I do that.
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Oh, he’d care. Believe me. But to say it in that way, and basically give you the green light to do so? Wow. I don’t know what to say about that. I don’t get that at all. 😒
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I don’t think he was giving me the green light… but he didn’t seem to think there was anything he could do. Maybe that’s the same thing? I don’t really think so. Plus I would be scared as hell to lose my kids. And I’d feel way too guilty about it… not sure I could live with myself…
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Oh, I couldn’t either. I couldn’t do that to my wife. I’d leave before cheating, if I were miserable. I was referring mainly to the threat of losing you. I can’t imagine not doing all I could to keep my marriage good. Surely he sees you’re hurting. And yes, he may be too, but why won’t he talk to you about it all? Why won’t he put in some effort to not just save it, but make it great? I’d rather have someone be mean than apathetic. Can I come shake him?
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Well, like I said, he knows I’d never leave so there’s no real threat… there’s no need to save it. Make it great? I don’t know if that’s possible… partly because of how I feel now.
Honestly… I think a big part of this is my unemployment. Things have gotten worse since I’ve been out of work. I know financial crap is stressful, but it’s not just him… and I already feel responsible. So that makes me feel guilty and totally at fault anyway. I don’t have a leg to stand on… not really. One of the things he’s said to me when we do have conversations is that I have too much time on my hands. And he’s right. I do. And I think too much about everything… I don’t know that I’m making it seem worse than it is because of that. It doesn’t feel like it… but who knows.
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I’ve said for a while now that working would help you immensely, and not just financially. I’m sorry, about all of it. I’m sure me ramblin’ on isn’t helping matters. Hugs to you. 😔
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I know. We just can’t figure out how to get me a job without it drastically adversely affecting the kids… 😦
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Ya’ know, We Have issues with schedules too. We both work an hour away from home. But somehow, you juggle and finagle and rob Peter to pay Paul and get it done. You’ll figure it out on the fly. Just the way it works. 😏
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Haven’t been able to find a solution yet… and now it’s just… holiday hell. It sucks. And starting this conversation about jobs and shit is giving me an anxiety attack!
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Of shit. I’m sorry. I’ll shut the fuck up now. I’ve often had great difficulty in knowing when to say when. 😏
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No, it’s okay. I brought it up. It just stresses me out so much that I panic…
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And sure… come shake him. LOL
Hey, you don’t know… maybe I’m a hideous dog and it’s a miracle he ever wanted me in the first place. 🙂 (Of course, if that were true, I wouldn’t have said that.)
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Hahaha! I’m not really that aggressive anymore. It was more metaphysically. And, it doesn’t matter what you look like. Fact is, he married you.
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I should send you a picture. I’ve shared with a select few… and you’re certainly one of my very best friends…
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Hahaha, that’s entirely up to you. I’m guessing you’ve seen my mug on a post at one time or another, though I try to limit that for all involved. I am much more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it.
I’m happy to have you say that, by the way. I’m glad to be here for you when needed. But, my dear, it’s my pleasure. 😊
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Yeah… I’ve seen you. And I know what you mean… I generally hate pictures of me and hate having them taken. I assume you will promise not to share if I dare send you my face… 😀
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Hahaha. Of course. I’m not a douche. Usually. 😏
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I emailed you. Hope you don’t scream or pass out. 😀
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You’re funny. I’m still conscious, by the way. And no screaming either. Imagine that. 😉
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I’m not sure I can. 😛
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Please. You don’t give yourself near enough credit. Funny girl, you are. 😃
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That’s what they tell me… I’m funny. And by they, I mostly mean my kids.
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Kids are very intuitive…and often wise beyond their years. 😃
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I hear ya! I don’t always get other people’s poems, and feel dumb for not getting them. Like sonofabeach, I ‘cheat’ by looking at others’ comments to draw on their understanding.
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I do that, too! Wow, I really thought I was the only one who was clueless sometimes!
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Nope, you’re not alone!
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Totally awesome post because you are saying the things that lots of others would like to say, but feel they may be judged as silly/uneducated/shallow/etc. As others have said, poetry, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. You get music, much of which is poetically brilliant. Be happy with that.
I have always had trouble with poetry that does not rhyme, but, having read so much diverse verse on WP, I now also get haiku, and other forms of poetry that in the past seemed strange!
We are who we are, we like what we like
So, Sandra, I’m saying, just get on your bike
Go ride for a while, and sing as you go
and hope before long you’re not feeling so low
You’re no stranger than others, I’m sure they’ll agree
just belt out those songs and you’ll very soon see
that poets can be quite pretentious at times
when the rest of the world can’t get on with their rhymes!
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Funny, but I feel that when I try to rhyme, I’m forcing it and it doesn’t turn out as well… and I’ve read some rhyming poetry that makes me cringe for the same reason…
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What’s right for you is what’s right! Don’t force it.
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I agree. Poems are way more fun to write than read.
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Makes me feel like a hypocrite, though… for writing them and wanting people to read…
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Your not alone, for the majority of the time I’m walking around like that gif of john Travolta from pulp fiction. I am slow to understand most things, whether it be, people, situations, or poetry. Art is subjective (I think that’s the right word). Personally I also find, if your stressed, or anxious, or generally struggling with things, it makes processing information difficult, if not at some times near impossible. (at least it is for me) If I cant understand someone’s art, I usually just take from it: how does it make me feel, after all most creative work is usually personal to the artist. And without having a discussion with them all is left is interpretation.
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It’s true… poetry and any other art form means different things to different people…
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Plus I find that usually, a while later things click for me, and that’s how I prefer to roll, letting things come about in their own time.
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communication is king to understanding imho.
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hehe I love this! ❤
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I’m full of secrets. I thought of a few others I could have written… but some of them are a little too personal. Maybe. Hmm…
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Well this was a good one to share 🙂
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I feel the SAME way about poetry! Though, I would never expect to hear this from a poet!
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Yes… that’s what made me feel so hypocritical sharing my little secret! I want people to enjoy my poetry, but sometimes I can’t enjoy others’!
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You know I totally agree! Poetry can be a fog bank obscuring a maze in a foreign country. I only ‘get’ the more straightforward stuff or if I’m really familiar with the author. This is nothing to be embarrassed about. I agree that a lot more people probably feel the same way and just don’t want to admit it!
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I’m so amazed that so many feel this way. I’ve thought for a long time that I must just be a total moron! 😀
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And seriously, who knew so many people wrote poetry? I had no idea until I joined WordPress. 😜
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True! I certainly didn’t know! And I didn’t even really write it until I got here. I’m such a hypocrite, though… I want people to “get” mine… and enjoy it… but sometimes I have no idea what I’m reading when I read others’…
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Well yours tells a story. I think mine does in general (not that I’ve written any lately) and that’s the best kind. 😃
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Thanks… 🙂
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Oh, that’s funny to me that you can write such great poetry but feel that you don’t get other people’s. I usually feel that I understand what others are writing — a mood, a feeling, a story. But if I try to write poetry, it’s like a third grade level, maybe. Oh, well, we all have our strengths, I guess 😉
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Maybe I’m not as smart as I look… lol 😃
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Hahaha, I don’t think that’s it!
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😀
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Oh my gosh, Sandra. I thought I was the only one who proof reads 20 times before posting–I feel crazy when I do it. I’m like “how many times am I going to read this same thing over and over?” LOL. And I truly thought I was the only one on WP that didn’t understand poetry. I stopped reading it altogether because I, too, feel like an idiot. I do get song lyrics…I only listen to songs with lyrics I like and understand but why don’t I get poetry? We are in the same boat. Ha.
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Yes! It makes no sense… I’m so into song lyrics but I don’t get most poetry.
I think my excessive proofreading has stopped me from publishing a lot of posts. I’d read something I wrote so many times that I’d decide I shouldn’t post it at all!
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I’m kind of the opposite. If I proof read something so many times it makes me want to post it more because I’ve wasted so much time on it already haha.
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Exactly my thoughts! I prefer simple poetry too and I do love yours! 😊
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Thank you! 🙂
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