I don’t know how to make friends. I know… just start a conversation with someone. But I can’t do it. I have no idea what to say. After ‘hi,‘ I’m out. I can’t make small talk. I am just not like other ‘normal‘ people. If someone comes to me and starts talking and goes beyond ‘hello,’ I can keep talking… for a bit, anyway. But unless they keep coming back to me, that’s where it dies.
I feel like I can’t relate to most people. I seem to be so different from other people. I’m not even sure exactly what it is, but that seems to be the case. And I end up alone.
I wish I had a couple of friends. Hell, just one would be fine. For me.
But this isn’t about me.
I have kids… and it has become clear that my inability to make friends has been a major problem for them. It has given them a huge disadvantage… and it’s only truly come to light over the last few weeks/months. But I should have realized it a long time ago. And now it’s too late.
The kids they’re friends with all have their best pals… but it’s never my kids. They feel like they’re on the fringe. They have friends… but they’re not always with anyone the way other kids are. I kind of knew it was a little like this for my son but I never knew it was like this for my daughter. Not really… Not until today.
It’s my fault.
The kids who see each other all the time… it happens because their moms are friends. The moms aren’t really directly involved anymore for my son… he’s old enough now that the kids just hang out. BUT… the damage is done. He doesn’t have the close friends other kids have because I wasn’t chummy with their moms when he was younger. I can’t go back in time and fix that. And I can’t fix it now for my daughter either… I think to some extent, it is too late for her, too.
I feel awful about this. It’s been bothering me for a long time but I don’t know how to fix it. I just cannot make friends. You can give me all the usual suggestions… but they don’t work for me. I am just not good with people. Maybe people just don’t like me. I don’t know. But I’m never even around any of these moms now. I don’t have an opportunity (though I’m sure I’d fuck it up anyway).
The only idea I have is to call one of the moms and invite the kid over here. (This is only a possibility for my daughter… not my son.) BUT… for several reasons that I can’t talk about because they make me too upset, I can’t do that. They’re not reasons I can fix easily (or possibly at all… especially not on my own).
I don’t know why I’m posting this… I know there’s no solution. There’s no way to make it better. I’m just going to feel bad about this forever. Like I said… it’s already too late… probably for both of them.
I was never cut out to be a mom. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking because I truly suck at it. They’d be better off without me.
©2017 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Hmmm…I’ll DM you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
♥
LikeLike
I don’t have kids, so I can’t relate entirely. What I can say is kids are never better off without their mom. I can also add that my mom never talked to other moms, we never did group things with other kids and their moms. I was shy and didn’t have a large group of friends, but the ones I had were there for me, and I got them on my own. I have the most amazing friends back then and now.
It is not too late. Kids don’t need their moms to find friends. It will happen organically, on its own. Every mom thinks they suck at being a mom. There is no owner’s manual. You love your kids, or you wouldn’t be worried about your impact on not making friends is having so you do not suck as a mom.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. It’s just so hard seeing these other moms being friends and their kids, therefore, being together all the time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry for butting in, but this comment is exactly what I was going to say. Literally. It’s true, kids, both young and old, will make friends themselves. I made my own friends at eight and now I’m making my own friends at eighteen. Just because you’re not friends with other moms doesn’t mean they won’t find their own people; they will. It’s never too late. Honestly, this post shows that you care about them so much that I really don’t think they’d be better off without you, nope. They need you, after all, moms are the best friends!
LikeLiked by 2 people
You’re not butting in. Maybe I worry so much about them making good friends because I don’t have any. I never want them to feel like something’s missing (which is kind of how I feel). But I feel powerless.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Friendships can’t be forced, much like any other relationship. They will find people, and perhaps so will you, it’s never too late. As for the powerless feeling, you’re feeling it because you are powerless. You can’t make friends for them, it is something they will have to do for themselves. The best friendships are those forged of one’s own volition. I can’t pretend to have read every comment you’ve received on this post, but that people have bothered to comment at all means that they care. It means that they’re all your friends regardless of whether you’ve said anything past hi, or not even that. But, and I’m aware we don’t really know each other, now, I’d like to extend a hand of friendship. I’m sure we can find something to talk about! So.
Hi, Sandra. Would you like to be friends?
🙂
P.S. I do hope you say yes, but you can say no too. Honesty is how friendship, or lack of it as it were, works.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yes, I’d like to be friends. 🙂
It’s not that I want to make friends for the kids. I just think that if I became friends with the moms of the kids they’re already friends with, they’d get closer and would get to spend more time together. But I’m so bad with people…
LikeLiked by 1 person
They might get to spend more time together, that’s true, but it may not help them get closer. Besides, one day or the other, they’re going to grow up and want to have their own space, own friends, own time. They’ll enjoy going out and having fun with their friends and coming back home to you to tell you all about it. Don’t worry!
I’m not great with people either, so I think we’ll get along just fine. What’s your favourite colour?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just want my kids to be happy… and not feel left out…
My favorite color… is black. How about you?
LikeLike
Aww. I’m sure they are happy, if not they’d say something about it to you.
Mine is violet. Why black?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just love black… especially for clothing. 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Cool! I like black for clothing too, but I prefer bright colours in general.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m all about the darkness… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha, well, you need darkness to see the light. And the stars! Do you enjoy stargazing?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do but I live too close to the city… they never look bright enough for me!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ugh, I can relate. I can’t even see the stars here anymore, the city is so polluted. When I used to live on the outskirts, the air was fresh and cold and the night starry. Nothing more peaceful than that. I wish I could see the stars here too. *sigh*
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’d love to move but the husband and kids don’t want that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ahh, that sucks. But there must be things you like about your current area?
I can see the stars from home, but here in the hostel? Nope. Not a single one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s convenient. I can get to anything I need quickly. My husband has a good job here… he’s been with the company for years. But the suburbs just aren’t for me anymore. Loved it when I was younger… now there are just too many people everywhere and it’s more chaotic and I think it’d help my anxiety to live somewhere more peaceful. But it’s not practical…
LikeLiked by 1 person
The connectivity must be nice but I get what you mean about the suburbs being chaotic. I’ve always wanted to live by the seaside! I’m a city bred girl though, sadly enough, never lived anywhere other than metropolitans. But I’m fortunate enough to be currently living in the outskirts, it’s nice and quiet and green and so peaceful. I like it there, although I’m stuck in the hostel for a majority of the year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh no they would not! Do not even think about them being better off without you. They would be totally lost. They depend on you. They may not admit it, but they do. And you depend on them too!
Family is family and it works in all sorts of ways, some good, some not so good.
Your kids will make friends, and keep friends, or not, the way they want to, the way they are happy with, regardless of anything you do, or say. You cannot make them into anything, or make them perform in any way, or do anything, that they do not wish to be, or do. All you can do it steer them in the right direction and be there to pick up the pieces when they need it, as they surely will.
We are your friends Sandra, and we care, and we are sorry that we can’t do more to help.
Hugs, as always.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Oh but they do want friends. They wish they had someone who was always there… who they could hang out with after school once or a few times a week. But I’ve made it so hard for them because I suck at friendships…
LikeLiked by 1 person
First, I won’t like this, but not because it is not interesting, or badly writen.
I am just sad to see you put all this pressure on yourself. I can totally understand how you’d make a link between you struggling to make friends and your children’s abilities to do so, but I really don’t think you have to blame yourself for that…
My mom never had friends when we were kids, my brother and I. And it didn’t affect us or her parenting in general…
I am sure you are an awesome Mom, just in a bad place right now. I feel for you, and hope you’ll find a way not to burden yourself with things you have absolutely no control over…
Take good care of you, Sandra…. *Big hugs*
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you… I can’t seem to keep from feeling responsible. If I was friends with someone’s mom, her kid and mine would end up being friends… probably. I just wish I was good at that. Thanks for the hugs. Much appreciated. ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure… I feel a lot of love hidden behind your fear of not being up to the task… And the love you have for your children is all it takes to be good enough. You’ll find a way to go through the more troubled times, and you always have your blog to come and vent 🙂
Don’t hesitate to contact me in private if you feel the need to exchange, ok? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much… that’s so so sweet of you. ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
hi, i just came across and thought i’d tell you that you’re worth it and your kids need you, more than you think. probably more now than ever.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much for being so kind. I appreciate your thoughts. ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
Stop! Wait just a damn second! Don’t EVER say they’d be better without you. EVER. That’s completely false. And the universe has ears, man. Don’t fuck with it by saying stuff like that.
And, you can’t possibly blame the lack of friends for your kids on not having been friends with their friends’ moms….did I write that right? Whatever. You are not responsible for making friends for them, especially not by simple association with a classmates’ mom. I call bullshit. Hell, my wife and I aren’t, nor were we ever, friends with any of their friends’ parents.
Repeat after me: they will be fine.
After middle school, how many of those people did you even see anymore, much less be friends with? They will be fine. Oh, and….breathe. Please. 😊😊
LikeLiked by 3 people
I don’t think I need to make friends for them. I think if when they made a friend, I became friends with the mom, they’d spend more time together and be better pals. But I suck at making friends.
I can tell they wish things were different. My daughter has come right out and asked me why I’m not friends with any of these other moms. I just tell her the truth… I’m not good at it and I don’t know how to relate to most people. All the little pairs of best friends have moms who are friends. Sigh. I don’t know.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know, man. If they want to go hang out with a friend or go to a movie, let them. Take them there yourself. But that doesn’t mean you have to hang out with the parents. Say hi or something, but then be on your way. Or let them have a friend over, or take her and one of her friends for a movie and ice cream. You can facilitate them cultivating a friendship without being buddy buddy with the other kids mom. I’m more like you than you know. I have a strong dislike of people…generally speaking. I have 3 friends. That’s it. Zero of them are parents of my boys’ friends.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s not it. I let them do whatever they want (within reason, obviously). The problem is that they don’t get invited much… because I’m not friends with the parents. And I can’t really have kids over here. It would help if I could but for reasons I can’t bear to get into, I really can’t.
I just hate people. Not you. You know what I mean. I wish I had one or two good friends here, but I just hate people.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know exactly what you mean. I do. When you write stuff like this, I wish we could tell ya’ to come hang out here for the weekend. 😔
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my god… you’d be sick of me in five minutes!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nah. We’re used to being the refuge and safe harbor. You’d be more than welcome here. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
At least I might have a place to go when I finally lose it completely and run away…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Let us know. You wouldn’t be the first. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I seriously think you would throw me out. When I’m sad, I’m no fun to be around. Granted, I still crack jokes. I guess that’s how I manage to get through stuff.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, you’d fit right in then. We can comfort…but you’d likely get a rash of shit too. It’s not easy being smartasses. We’re an under appreciated demographic…I think. 😃
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am actually very much the same, which is probably why I have a blog. The weird thing for me is , I can happily talk behind a screen. Like now. I could totally have a conversation with you via here, or messenger or anything and not have a worry in the world, meet face to face however and I freeze up. … it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the way i’ve always been.
I have a friend who can talk to anyone, she can walk up to someone random in the street and just talk to them. I can’t .. i’m to embarressed , or maybe I’m just to scared at what they may think. I then think, am I saying something stupid ?
I’m that girl who sits in a group, the quiet one, the one that occasionally will pipe up and say something, but generally i’ll just listen.
You’re not alone 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes – I am the same way… behind a screen I’m fine. In person? I feel awkward and lost. No idea what to say or how to act.
One of my sisters is like your friend. She can talk to anyone so easily. I don’t know how she does it.
I’m the quiet one in a group, too. Just sitting there feeling out of place.
Thank you so much for sharing. I’m glad it’s not just me. ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel that if we were ever to meet that we would actually get along really well. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think so, too. 🙂 We’d definitely understand each other!
LikeLike
I think you’re saying that you didn’t have the skills to make friends so you weren’t able to set an example for your kids? But they have other people in their lives, too, like their dad and grandparents, cousins, classmates. They will be all right. Practice your skills everywhere. Say hi to people, talk about the weather, the store, I love your shoes, whatever. It will get easier the more you do it. ❤
LikeLiked by 2 people
It’s not setting an example… it’s that when the kids find a friend, it tends to fade because I never become friends with the moms. It seems that all the little pairs of best friends have moms who are friends. It seems like me not being capable of that makes the other kid become better friends with the kids of the moms who are friends. That was confusing… I hope you know what I mean. My husband is at least as bad as I am at making friends. Maybe worse.
I manage to be friendly with people but I don’t know how to get past ‘hello’ and maybe one or two other comments. Then I don’t know what to say anymore so I just stand there awkwardly…
LikeLike
Oh sorry I misunderstood. I’d have to agree with Beach. We were friends with some of the preschool parents but as the kids got older we didn’t really know the parents of most of their friends hang in there. It seems to me you’re being too hard on yourself
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do tend to do that… shocking, I know… ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is no way that they’d be better off without you. I am the same way, I have zero friends. It is not your fault for your children not having friends. How could it be? It was never a thing when I was in school that our parents had to be chummy with each other? That’s crazy weird if that’s how it is now a days? Maybe your children prefer to be at home and away from friends. Ask her before you invite a friend over. Your children need you, they would never be better without you. If you need a friend, I’ll be your (virtual) friend. Seriously.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if the parents necessarily have to be friends. But I think it helps… a lot. It’s hard to watch because they do want friends… really good ones. They have friends, just not anyone super close… not really a best friend.
And I would be happy to have you as a friend. ♥ Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, it would be hard for me to be chummy with the moms too…it’s even harder that it’s effecting your children as well but my mom pretty much forbid me to have friends and she wouldn’t talk to other moms on the phone when they wanted to talk to her. I still had a ton of friends as a kid, so many best friends because even though I wasn’t allowed to, I wanted them. (I forgot how to as an adult though.) Kids do have a mind of their own, them having friends is NOT your responsibility. It’s your responsibility to be their mom and BE THERE for them.
❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. ♥ I find it so hard to stop blaming myself for anything that doesn’t go smoothly with my kids. I guess somewhere inside me, I know it’s illogical… yet I do it anyway.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs. I suck at real life, too. But our children need us. We probably will never understand fully. Just keep loving them and everything will work out somehow.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope so. I just hate seeing them feeling like they’re missing out. I want so badly to fix it. Thanks so much for the hugs and support. ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally get it. I also have no answers for you. Just know that you’re not the only one.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I really appreciate that. Thank you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are not at all alone with this. Some people aren’t the talkative type with strangers. Your kids will be fine. Don’t dwell on this too much. It seems this gets better as we get older ( maybe we stop caring so much and relax) just be yourself , it will be ok, the kids will be ok. If you are really concerned perhaps you could talk to someone you trust face. To face. Big hugs to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for the hugs and for everything else. I just hate that they seem to be missing out and I can’t seem to help. It makes me sad.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I can relate I was very shy when I was younger, I felt these same feelings . I learned to accept myself as a good if not terribly sociable mom. We all survived , my child turned out great , he loves me. Nowadays there is so much demand for elaborate birthday parties etc. I know some moms of little ones that just send cupcakes to their child’s class room with the consent if the teacher of course, takes the pressure off to throw a big party.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have always been kind of bad with people. It has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. It’s lonely but I don’t care about me. I want my kids to have friends and be happy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you caring makes you a GREAT mom Sandra! Your kids are so lucky to have such a creative mom. I was that kid too growing up. I was always on the outskirts of friend groups, never got invited over for things or had people over at my house. It will be ok 🙂
I hope that posting this helped to vent some of that anxiety. Sometimes that’s the only reason why I post things – just to get it all out.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe this is pathetic, but I think I needed to post it because I knew people here would be supportive. And I need that. I wish I had that offline, but I don’t… not really. When something like this gets to me, I fall apart… and it’s very lonely.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Its definitely *not* pathetic. Sometimes our blogs are there to be uplifting and other times because we need to be uplifted. I love the little community I have because theu do the exact same thing for me. I have closer ties to my blogging community than some of my in person friends. They are supportive and loving when I need it. And your community is too. 💛💛
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it’s pathetic because I only have that support here… not in my offline life…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think the change to technology has made that shift for a lot of people though. I dont think its pathetic at all. We find comfort and support in various different places. Yours just happens to be online. Thats ok.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s never too late. When they get older, I’m sure they will make friends. It all depends on your definition of friend really. My parents were super strict so my friends were people I spoke to at school. That’s it. To this day, most of my friends (all three of them) are from school or work and nowhere else. Having a best friend is overrated anyway. I fell out with every single best friend I had.
Your kids have the freedom to talk to whoever they want if they want, and I think that’s much better than having a set of pre-defined friends.
And you’re not a bad mom. Not being able to make friends isn’t your fault, just a circumstance of who you are. At least you have realised that it’s maybe affecting your kids. I think inviting someone over is a good idea if you feel comfortable doing so. Or maybe even take them to the library if that’s an option, they usually have groups/sessions for kids.
What about other family members? Cousins or whatever? That might be less awkward for you.
*hugs*
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just wish things could be easier for them. I feel like my whole family is jinxed… it’s me… and then it rubs off on them. It’s so unfair. They don’t deserve any of it. It seems like nothing ever goes right… for me or the kids. I’m so sick of it!
My daughter’s birthday is coming up soon (11/6) so I told her I would take her and a friend or maybe 2 out for ice cream or to the fancy frozen yogurt place. I don’t know how that will go… if anyone will be able to come… I have no idea. But I’m going to try.
I don’t really have any family close enough… geographically speaking. I’m about an hour from my closest family member. Oh… and my sister’s kid is kind of a spaz. 🙂
Thanks for being a friend… and I appreciate the hugs and everything else. ♥
LikeLike
None of us here are normal. And yet, we’ve become friends. At least, that’s what I’d like to think. I have doubts as well about being here for my son, but I know how broken he would be without me. You get let your own judgement reflect on your kids. They need you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wouldn’t want anything to make things harder for my kids. I wouldn’t leave them. I just wish I could be better. I wish I was better with people… I wish I was just… better.
LikeLike
Hey Sandra, like everyone else is saying, it is not your fault. You are very likeable, I’d be honoured to call you a friend. I don’t have kids but when I was a kid myself my mum had a lot of friends. She took my around to their houses often with their kids and I still turned out to be highly unsociable, whereas my siblings are the complete opposite. Sometimes things just are. Unfortunately I can not offer you any advice as I know nothing of your situation, but I want to wish you and your kids the best and I hope that things turn out for the better. Sending positive vibes!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to make friends. But my kids having them and being happy is more important to me. I don’t want them to feel left out. I felt that way a lot as a kid… and I still feel it now. Thank you for your thoughts. ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know what you mean, left out or even people forget they’ve met me before.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah… that happens to me, too. ❤
LikeLike
There are ways to make it better. Don’t play the blame game with yourself. Just take active steps to slowly turn the tide. It’s not going to fix things overnight, but little by little if you do things, like joining groups, to put yourself out there and make friends your children will see that and model that behavior. Also give them opportunities to do the same. You may have to step out of your comfort zone, but that’s called growth. Both you and your kids can expand and it’s not as difficult as you’re thinking it is.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, but you say that as though you’re taking to a ‘normal’ person… I do appreciate what your saying but if I’m honest with everyone and myself, I know that I’m not a joiner and despite trying to be one for years, I’m just not capable of it. My kids aren’t like that, though. That’s not an issue for them no matter how much it is for me. They put themselves out there all the time. I try to learn from them… not the other way around! So anyway… I don’t think it’s difficult for them… but it has proven impossible for me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Momma I’m the same way. I don’t have friends….and the people I do talk to live miles away. You’re a wonderful mom and don’t ever ever forget that. You’re beautiful, a wonderful writer, kind. I’m the same way when it comes to meeting new people. I’m socially awkward with so much anxiety it’s not even funny! We’ll get through it though. We always do. Positive vibes & thoughts love.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. I never thought there were so many people who struggled with this as much as I do. I’m glad I’m not alone but I wish it was easier for all of us!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: song of the day. #47 | song lyric sunday. #music | what sandra thinks
I am weighing in late on this post… I read it soon after you posted and I really didn’t know what to say. Everyone’s else’s comments about this were great. I’ll just add this: when we’re living through our school years, everything seems like the most important thing in the world. I left my high school and even college without keeping in touch with those friends after a little time went by. Your kids will have friends that come and go within every stage of their lives. Some from school, college or whatever path they choose, their jobs, their neighbors, and friends who their romantic partners will bring with them when they come along. Don’t carry so much of that weight on your shoulders, my dear!
LikeLiked by 1 person
What you say is true. And I know because I had friends as a kid, a teenager, a student, and an adult. But clearly I haven’t kept in touch since I don’t have any of those friends anymore. You’re also right about feeling like everything is so important when you’re a kid.
I just wish I made things easier for my kids. But instead, I feel like I make it harder. I hate that!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You don’t make it harder! You’re a great Mom!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I try but I still feel like they’d have better friends if I was friends with some of the moms… if I hung out with them. But that’s really not going to happen.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe, maybe not. I never heard much about my friends with kids being friends with their kids’ friends’ parents. I have no frame of reference other than what I observe from them so…..
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is really very relatable. I face the same problem of not being able to make friends. I cannot START conversations with new people and even if someone does, I cannot come up with interesting topics or atleast with appropriate replies. I therefore remain silent or I speak stupid things. This makes people think that I am an idiot and they lose interest in befriending me. Even if someone becomes a good friend, they soon lose interest and then turn into a stranger.
Whenever I see other people making close friends in no time, I feel envious and start thinking why I can’t make friends that fast. I feel really very sad. I have a few friends but even then I feel like a loner because everyone treats me as an option.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know why it’s so easy for some people to talk to anyone… even strangers. I wish I was at least a little bit like that. I don’t really have any advice to offer, but I do understand how you feel.
LikeLike
The main problem is I don’t know what to say at the right time. Secondly, some people are so judgemental that it makes me all the more difficult to talk.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know what you mean about no knowing what to say. That happens to me all the time.
LikeLike
Haha so we face the same problems. So what is the solution for this? 😅
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh… I wish I knew!
LikeLike