You probably didn’t even notice… but I think this may be the longest I’ve gone without posting (when it wasn’t a weekend) since… a long time ago.
But I’ve been busy with the man pictured above.
I WISH!
(Honestly? I didn’t have a good image for this post… so I decided to just go with a good image for any time of any day ever.)
• • • • •
I have no voice. Not literally. I can speak. I can make sounds. But I don’t have anything to say. Scratch that. I do have things to say… I could update you on the goings-on in my brain… the updates and changes… but those aren’t the sorts of things I want to say.
Some days, I do want to talk or vent about that. But other days, I feel like getting too deeply into it is going to make me feel worse. That’s how I feel today. I want to forget.
Then I wonder if my mind and its failings are all I am. Is there anything else? Lately, it doesn’t feel like it. I hate that about me (among other things). So I thought maybe I needed to feel something else. Something that wasn’t sad or down or hopeless and pathetic. But I can’t flip a happy switch. I don’t have one. And faking doesn’t work for me. So happy was out. What else can I feel? Something that’s not a stretch.
Anger.
Maybe it’s not an improvement over sad. But I think it is. It feels more active… less passive. And I have plenty to be angry about. Granted, I throw a bunch of that anger back at myself… but I am angry with other things and people, too.
I’m not going to make a big fat list. You don’t need to know all the gory details.
So… anger.
But then, I also was the tiniest bit proud of myself. And that is unusual.
I opened my Etsy shop. Huge for me since I’ve been so nervous about it. I’m going to post some sort of ‘announcement‘ here soon… I just wanted to put up a few more listings first. There are only ten. And since my mind works the way it does, I figure that people might see the post here… visit the shop… see just a few things… and never go back to see anything more again. I want to have more before I invite people…
I know I shouldn’t be negative about it, but I suspect this will be the same as my RedBubble shop in that I may get a few sales here and there (maybe or maybe not from people who know me and are just being nice), but mostly, my stuff will just sit there in the shopping abyss that is Etsy. (And RedBubble.)
I’ve also been working on some reorganization and purging of stuff in my home. It’s not easy for a packrat to get rid of things… but it needs to happen. And I’ve been doing it. It’s a major accomplishment for me because usually I just feel overwhelmed, and I give up before I start. Not this week.
I guess I’m proud of those things… even though they probably seem like nothing to ‘normal‘ people.
Completely unrelated… Tonight I have to go to parent-teacher conferences at my son’s school. I’m anxious as fuck. That’s the social anxiety shifting into high gear. I dread it. And I’m also exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open at the moment. Even as I sip this coffee. It will be awkward if I doze off while a teacher is talking to me.
• • • • •
I’m thinking this isn’t exactly a breakthrough interesting post… but I felt like I was slowly disappearing (I know… you probably didn’t even notice)… and I thought I needed to make an appearance.
Boo.
Yeah… I’m scary.
©2017 what sandra thinks
You DO realize you’re welcome to email me anytime you need to vent, right?
I can’t guarantee I’ll have anything of value to say back, but I am always there for you to email…even if you don’t want a response and just want to get it out.
(hugs)
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I know. I’ve really been trying to block it all out lately. I’ve been failing, mostly, but it just seems to make me feel worse to talk about it sometimes. I need a break… even if it’s just be trying to give myself one. Know what I mean? It doesn’t really work… all the ‘stuff’ still keeps haunting (and taunting) me…
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Ditto!
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I get it…I try the same from time to time. I try to ignore it, because it feels like it surrounds me when I let a little out.
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I can only cry so much before I’m weak and dehydrated… so yeah, blocking it out is kind of a goal lately.
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❤
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I noticed. Was hoping all was ok.
Anyway, good for you, man! Hell yeah, angry is better than sad or apathetic. You’re right, much less passive. And don’t you dare minimize getting the Etsy shop open or reorganizing or any of it. One task at a time, one day at a time. Be proud of yourself! You’re doing. 😊😊
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I just feel like my blog is becoming me whining about my issues… and nothing more. This post doesn’t really change that. But I hate what this has become. I used to write poetry and fiction… and I used to be good at it. It seems I have nothing in me anymore and I hate it. And I don’t want this blog to be all mopey shit all the time. So I kind of stopped trying… for a little while anyway.
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Don’t disappear, please. I’ve had others do that very thing. And I hated it. I hear ya’. But you’d be missed if you went silent. 😊
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Thanks… that means a lot to me as I, of course, feel like I’m entirely insignificant in this world…
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Well, you’re not. 😊
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Sending a big virtual *hug*… Hoping it’ll feel better soon 🙂
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Thanks so much. Trying to go easy on myself… 🙂
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I know what it is to go through rough times… and sometimes, you just wish you could turn your brain off for a while, right?
I hope you manage to give yourself some slack, and that you’ll have some success with the Etsy boutique!! That should help brighten up your days 🙂
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Yes, exactly… I’d love to turn my brain off for a while! Thank you again. 🙂
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My pleasure 🙂 xx
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Venting through writing is good. As well as being helpful in seeing how other can help if possible.
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I do definitely need to write to get things off my chest… but I wish I could write other things, too. Lately that’s been a challenge!
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Don’t pester it, maybe perhaps letting it go. Just forget about it. And out of nowhere it’ll hit you like a high speed train full of inspiration. (inserts wink here)
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That would be great!
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Do I know you? I don’t think I’ve heard of you before!
Are you that person who posted something this morning and then deleted it before I could read it?
Oh, it’s you Sandra.
Good to see you again. Please don’t just disappear.
Just like beach, I’ve encountered that and it is very disconcerting.
I begin to wonder if I dreamed it all and the person was a figment of my imagination.
You are real aren’t you?
Hugs, as always.
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I did post and delete something last night (which would have been this morning for you). There was an incident of stealing from me again but I kind of angrily posted too soon… because it was resolved quickly… so I decided to remove the post.
Sometimes, I kind of wish I was just a figment of someone’s imagination!
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I imagine you as a highly successful designer, saleslady, author, poet. Maybe some of my imaginings will start to convince you that you are well on the way to these goals.
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Definitely not saleslady! And I don’t think I’ll ever be paid for any of those other things aside from the little tiny bits I might make online with my designs…
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But that is measuring success in monetary terms. There are far more ways to measure success.
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But I need the money or I’ll be living in a cardboard box somewhere. I’d love it if it didn’t matter but unfortunately, it matters more than almost everything else.
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Take the success with thanks, if it comes. If money comes as a result, great. If it doesn’t, you are still successful. Win, win.
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I wish that were true… but unfortunately it’s not. This terrible world we live in… it’s all about money. It DOES buy happiness. I don’t care what anyone says. It does. Not having it is hell.
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Despite what you might think, and how you might be feeling, this is a great post and you need to focus on all the good stuff in here. Your Etsy shop, your organising and purging , those small accomplishments are actually HUGE. Stop putting yourself down Sandra, be kinder to yourself. You’re worth it you know. Hugs xo
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Thanks so much. You’re so sweet. I know I have a problem giving myself credit for anything… and I know I should. That’s just so hard for me! ♥
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Try it, just start small and start saying some nice things to yourself …💕
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I try… but usually I don’t believe me…
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Well, keep going. Eventually you just might …
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It’s okay. I’ve noticed, but being away is sometimes necessary.
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Thanks ❤
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Hang in there.. And how could anyone not notice your presence???
You are wonderful.. just remember that!!
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I don’t know… but thanks… you’re very sweet. ❤
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It’s the truth.. don’t fret about anything too much! ❤
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❤
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I have nothing different to say from anyone else who has already posted, but: for reals, you can email me any time ;), please don’t disappear! I ❤ you! *hugs*
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Thanks… 🙂 Just feeling kind of pointless, I guess…
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😦 I’m sorry 😦
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I know what it’s like to be energized by anger. It gets me going more than any other emotion. And I have trouble explaining that to people. But for me getting angry is almost exhilarating. And I noticed too, but I thought maybe you were just taking a break to recharge. If you’d have been missing for too long, I’d have come looking for you. I know what it’s like to disappear and not have many people notice…
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My anger is wearing off and I’m feeling sad and confused and frustrated. I’m so tired. I guess it’s time for more coffee. Oh… and I’m still failing at getting out of the house if it’s not 100% required…
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Try not to think about what you aren’t doing. You have your Etsy Shop up and running, that’s awesome! And don’t get discouraged if you don’t have tons of sales right away. It will take a little time to get established. And coffee is (almost) always a good idea!
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I get really worried about the Etsy thing… Like, what if my printer dies?? It could happen… And I’d love a new one but I shouldn’t spend the $ at the moment…
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Is it possible to load your project files to a storage device and then take them to a printer if that happened? As a temporary measure? If you’re printing a lot for sales, the printer will pay for itself!
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I don’t know if that would work because I hand feed the special cardstock… (I get the really nice stuff from my favorite store.) Anyway… I know it’s bad (and negative) but I don’t expect a lot of business…
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Well, you might not be able to take it to Staples, but a ‘for real’ print shop should be able to do it for you. And only if you needed to tide yourself over till you got a new printer. And maybe it won’t be busy at first, but after a while…
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I don’t even know where there’s a real print shop around here. I guess I’d have to look into that…
Right now, I don’t think I have enough stuff in the shop for people to find me. But I also have this fear of putting too much and then being suddenly overwhelmed and unable to keep up. Which would, of course be good… and bad… know what I mean?
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Yep, be careful what you wish for, right?
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I know, right?!
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😜😜
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Plus, its a business expense and a tax deduction!
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But I doubt I’ll ever earn enough to even have to include this “business” on a tax return… There’s some minimum, I think…
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It doesn’t matter what the business earns, it’s still deductible. Hell, you could even declare a loss for a few years while you write off your paper products, ink and toner, the card stock and all your supplies. It all counts! Even mileage from your house to the post office!
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That sounds like a tax nightmare. I do my own… I suppose I’d need a receipt for everything I ever buy for this, huh?
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Yes, start a file! But you could also create a little spreadsheet for your accounting, so you don’t have to wade through the receipts come tax time. That’s what I do for my practice and I use Turbo Tax for Home and Office. Easy, peasy!
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I do love spreadsheets. Wow… what a nerd.
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Haha! I’m the same way!
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I noticed too. You are NOT allowed to disappear. You hear me? It doesn’t what you post about, we as your readers are interested in YOU. 💜
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❤ Thank you. I’ve been having these moments of pointlessness… like, why does it matter if I write or if I open a shop… what’s the point? I think it just made me feel irrelevant… And kind of useless.
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…You aren’t alone but we need to try and shake it off…😮
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