It’s sad. I know it is. But I find myself wasting time.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to do. It’s quite the opposite. I have tons to do.
I could list those things (I, in fact, have a list… it sits there on the fridge). So I don’t need suggestions. That’s not the point. This is about wasting time. Lately, intentionally.
I keep posting about how empty I feel… and the other part of that is… how bored I am. Nothing sounds appealing to me. Everything sounds incredibly boring. I am only less bored when I’m with the kids (and occasionally my husband but… eh). But even when others are home, I’m still bored. I think it’s in my head… not necessarily about what’s around me.
I do need time away from the kids. But lately, from the time I return home from dropping them off at school until it’s time to pick them up, I’m waiting for time to pass… but I’m not really doing anything worthwhile. I’m wasting time… on purpose. I don’t know why I can’t get myself to do something relevant and valuable with that time.
Maybe the graphic design stuff I’ve been doing for my shops is worthwhile. But it’s probably not. I don’t know how to get customers. There are so fucking many shops out there selling stuff similar enough to mine that the chances someone will find me and buy from me are so slim it’s (almost) pointless.
So I stare at a screen (phone, laptop, television… pick one… or more) and try to find ways to waste the hours until pick-up time. I know it’s awful… most people would give anything for a few hours to themselves every day. And I used to love it. I always had something to do… something I wanted to do… something I was thrilled I had time for. And hell, I still always have something to do. But… I guess I used to be more motivated.
I have an explanation… two, actually. When I’m alone, I think about all that’s wrong in my life. And there’s a lot. I can’t stop and it slowly, painfully kills me. I know… blah blah you can change anything… blah blah you can do anything you want… blah blah fuck off (no offense). Those ‘change‘ clichés are lies. Total fucking BS. What I want to change… what I want to do… I’m not really sure what those things are. But anything I can think of requires things I don’t have… money, ambition, my youth. So no matter how hard I try, I can’t change anything because it requires changing something in the past which, obviously, is impossible. It’s too late for anything I do to matter. I know… blah blah no it’s not… blah blah fuck off (no offense). Even if it isn’t too late, which it is, I feel that it is so it is. For me. Yeah yeah… I know.
The other explanation is just… me. I don’t enjoy being alone unless I’m truly immersed in something… because if I’m not, I’m just sitting there with only me… with no distraction from me… and I hate me.
But… (I know, I’m going in circles, at which I seem to excel)… I am not truly immersed in anything lately. So I’m stuck with me.
Writing is missing. Yeah, I’m writing this. But I have no fiction projects going right now. Not really. I think that’s leaving a gaping hole in me. Of course, I often feel like my fiction writing is also pointless. Poetry… every once in a while, I’ve got something but not much. There’s an empty space where writing used to be. I hate it.
And I already mentioned the design… where I occasionally lose myself… but I’m starting to feel less inspired… and I’m starting to feel like it’s pointless anyway… see above.
In short (too late), I’m just wasting time… and it’s sad… but it keeps happening. Oh hell, this whole post has been a way for me to waste time. (Mine and yours… apologies…) And I’m relieved that it’s Friday… and that it’s a long weekend (here in the US… Columbus Day is Monday) because I won’t be alone again until Tuesday. When I have a dentist appointment. Oh, and it’s my wedding anniversary… eh. (No, I will not use ‘meh’ because I hate that…. and because when I make the ‘I don’t care’ sound, it’s ‘eh’. So there.)
Time to pick up the kids.
©2017 what sandra thinks
I know precisely what you mean… it’s so tough…
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It seems ridiculous to waste time… yet it happens anyway…
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I hate those feelings of boredom. I usually refer to it as discontent. When nothing seems to satisfy. It’s like having the munchies but either nothing sounds good or doesn’t satisfy the craving if eaten. It’s beyond aggravating. 😒
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Yes… it is exactly like nothing sounding good or satisfying the craving when you’re hungry. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I know what I SHOULD do… but that’s just not the same. I’ve been feeling like this for a couple of weeks at least… I hate it!
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It sucks. I go through patches of that too. Even when I’m doing something fun, it’s just not cutting it. What the fuck is that about?
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I don’t know. And two other horrible things happened since I last commented so now I’m in hell… I’ve been crying for an hour… missed most of Hawaii Five-0 and everything. WTF… my life sucks.
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Holy shit?!? If it made you miss Five-O, it must be bad. What’s up?
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Everything sucks. I’m done. I don’t want to play anymore. It’s too much for me. My daughter got invited to do something we don’t feel good about letting her do… she’s upset… I’m upset… I’m afraid she’s going to be made fun of because of it and I’m afraid she’ll lose friends. But I can’t give in just because of that… I’m not doing my job. And my husband said no anyway. My son is doing really poorly in one of his classes… one that he’s always been amazing at… straight As… high As… A plusses. So I don’t know what’s going on there and neither does he… or he isn’t telling us if something IS going on. No clue. I just want my kids to be happy but they’re not. It’s my fault, I’m sure. Because let’s face it… I’m not happy. And I am failing miserably at being a parent and I don’t want to be one anymore. I don’t want to be anything anymore.
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Don’t say that. I mean, I know what you mean. Plenty of days I think, “I don’t want to do this anymore!”. Being a parent is ass-kicking work. But can you imagine not having them? And believe me, losing them would be devastating. I know you mean it right this second, but you don’t honestly wish that. Don’t tempt the universe, man. 😕
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I don’t want them to go away… I think I want me to go away. I just feel like I mess everything up… everything’s my fault… and it’s one thing if I mess up myself but I can’t handle messing them up. It’s so unfair to them. 😦
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You can control some of that. If you think it’s genetic or something, to be cursed, I’d dispute that notion. 😊
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I think the unhappiness/depression/anxiety part is genetic… the curse is probably just a family thing. The Sandra Curse.
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Yeah, I guess the depression and anxiety are, but I don’t think the curse is. Are they depressed? Or are they hormonal? Puberty is a bitch. 😊
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I don’t know if they’re really experiencing any of the anxiety/depression stuff. I don’t really think so… not right now anyway. But I worry that they will. It’s totally possible and I hate that I brought them into this world not thinking about how they could inherit that from me. The hormonal stuff? Maybe. My son is 12… so maybe him more than her… she’s only 9. Although it’s possible for her, too…
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He’s definitely in it, I’d guess. If she’s not yet, she will be soon. If they don’t seem depressed, what se you worried about? Don’t worry until there’s something to actually worry about. 😊
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I don’t know… The moodiness… I keep thinking there’s more going on with my son than he says because of the grade thing…
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Maybe. But believe me, the moodiness is definitely a male puberty thang. I promise. Ask your husband. All of us guys went through that. It sucked too. But it is what it is. 😏
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My husband must still be in it. 🙄
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Hahaha! Well, maybe hormone replacement is what he needs. 😃
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Or a punch in the face. Or a kick somewhere else. 😇
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Don’t do anything that’ll get you arrested. Jail blows. 😏
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And you know that how? 😛
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Well, I wasn’t always a nice and mild-mannered dad. In my youth, my dear. In my youth. 😏
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I had my moments, too, but never in jail. 🙂
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I was good kid, even throughout high school. Well, I never got caught doing some of the shit I pulled, but nothing major. In my college years though? Went buck wild for a while. Paid a toll a couple of times along the way. Finally got my shit together. That dark side still exists though. It tries to lure me in every now and then still. 😏
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I was totally innocent and by-the-rules through high school… I let loose in college but not to any crazy extent… 🙂
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I went a different route. For a while at least. I loved the experiences, but, like I said, they sometimes came with a toll.
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So, you just wasted my time!
You owe me!
I demand payment of 57 words, in 2 paragraphs, that make no sense, and that have no words containing the letter T.
Payment must be made by Tuesday next at 10.00 GMT.
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I did… I’m sorry!
I’ll start working on it right away…
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…..and if it’s late I’ll want a pot roast too!
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I’ll get right on it!
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So many people will be able to identify with this post. Not many would say it out loud…. or type! I find myself wasting numerous hours of my life also and do you know what aswell as wasting time it makes me feel bad aswell I feel tired from doing minimal I feel aggravated I haven’t been productive in the way I should. Generally makes me feel lousy. X
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Yes… it makes me feel bad, too. And very annoyed and frustrated with myself. I understand exactly what you’re saying.
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I understand.
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♥
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You aren’t alone. Sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted my entire life not following my dreams. And now those dreams feel…gone.
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Exactly. Wasted my life.
I don’t even know what my dreams were… maybe I never had any. I was always too busy trying to figure out what other people wanted me to be. I never knew what or who I wanted to be. And now it’s too late for me. Totally wasted my life. I think back to all the mistakes I made in my 20s… I wish I could do those years over. That should have been a great time in my life but I ruined it for myself. And now I just feel like I’m waiting for time to pass… to get to what, I don’t know. Just wasting more of my life, I guess…
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…you know my story…😑
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♥
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Oh, what is it about the month of October that just sucks? I hope you’re asleep by now and things look better in the morning ❤
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♥ I feel a little better this morning but it seems like the things that go wrong never get fixed so they just pile up. I hate that.
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I can relate to this post deeply. It’s as if nothing has interest anymore. I live reading, writing and painting. Lately, I don’t wish to even look at these things. I wouldn’t call myself bored, there is just a sense of emptiness in everything if that makes sense….
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It makes perfect sense… I totally understand. That’s exactly how it feels. I love to write and design and other things, too, but lately, I’m not interested in anything. I think that’s what makes me bored…
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*love not live
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I think everyone gets like that , the blues set in and nothing makes you happy no matter how hard you try. I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’ll even have a nap during the day just to make time go by faster, even though I am not tired (these are of course on the days I have off , not when I’m at work, although somedays a nap at work would be awesome)… but still we all have those days, weeks, months … 🙂 xo
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Yes… you definitely understand. The nap thing… I find that I’m glad if I fall asleep because it kills some time… ♥xo
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Same. Even I waste my time so much even though I have so much to do. I am a class 12 student and I have my board exams coming and I have to prepare for it. Also, I want to take part in co curricular activities. I have got a lot to do and managing time is difficult. I simply waste my time by THINKING how much work I have to do and how much my work is piling up day by day and then I just waste my time using my phone and by sleeping the whole day. I seriosuly don’t know how do I get rid of this habit of mine. I am entirely a fucked up teenage girl. 😦
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Aww, I think what you describe is normal for a lot of people. I spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about what I should be doing rather than doing it… and I’m a lot older than you are!
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