Stream of Consciousness Saturday.
No editing is allowed… (painful for me… I usually proofread a post 20 times…)
This week, the prompt is ‘do/dew/due‘…
“Do” is a problem for me. I can’t do lots of things. I don’t mean I can’t do brain surgery or small engine repair. I mean I can’t do normal things. Things that are no big deal to most people. Like ‘just make a phone call’ or ‘just get out of the house’… or other such things that I often cannot do. I thought I was lazy. And I guess I am a little lazy. But a friend (♥) recently told me… it’s not laziness… it’s depression. And logically… intellectually… I know she’s right. Problem is, I always feel like depression is an excuse. Maybe because I blame myself for everything… including my depression.
Having nothing to do with the first paragraph… You know what I hate? I hate when I put my sandals on and go out to the car in the morning and step into the grass, whether intentionally or not, and my sandals and my feet get wet. And then I’m in the car wiping my sandals and toes with a Dunkin’ Donuts napkin I had stuffed in the glove compartment. I hate when I step in dew. (I also hate when I write a really long run-on sentence… but no editing… ha!)
And another thing… I don’t know what to do about the shop name situation. Every time I think I’ve found the one, something happens to ruin it for me. Whether it’s some conflict online where I could get a cease and desist… or something else that just makes me think I can’t use it or makes me not like it anymore. UGH. I have a couple right now that I’m still hanging on to… coffee bean, coffee crush, mesh and paper (that is from a song, partially… bonus points if you can figure it out), air and coffee or coffee and air (because you need both to live)… or something else entirely. I’m not even sure I should include coffee because I don’t want people to assume I’m selling coffee or coffee-related items before they even visit the shop. UGH again.
So… I hate that I can’t do and I hate dew and I hate not knowing what to do.
And…
I think I’ve paid my dues. Seriously. Shit goes wrong in my life constantly. I’m convinced that I’m cursed. Everything in my life turns to crap. Even my kids have terrible things happen to them. My curse is rubbing off. It’s so unfair to them… it’s not their fault. They’re innocent kids. Even if I did something to deserve the curse… they didn’t.
[I know… I know… there are decent things in my life. I get it… but that doesn’t change that something is always fucking going wrong. It’s hard (impossible) to enjoy the ice cream when it has dead bugs sprinkled all over it.]
I think I’m due for something good. Really good. Hell, more than one something. Come on, Universe! I’ve more than paid my dues. I’m sick of this doodoo (bonus form of do). Can’t I get a break? What the hell do I have to do?
©2017 what sandra thinks
thumbs up to the stream of consciousness writing style. How did you find it? easier? worse? personally its the only way I can write. Though on good brain days I can mange a little tweaking, so my writing is not incomprehensible to others.
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I like it because it tends to stop me from overthinking… so I think I am able to write faster. But not editing is painful! This challenge is the only time I don’t edit!
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Hehe, cool. I did notice the difference. But everyone has their own style and way of doing things, so stick to what you enjoy. And definitely work on picking up the telephone. It’s good to talk. 🙂
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Well… I don’t have anyone to call. I was thinking about how I have trouble even ordering a pizza. But just to talk? I wish. I have no friends…
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Totally agree with your “friend” about the first “do”. The only time I’ve experienced “dew” on my feet was the time I ran out barefoot to put the garbage curbside before the truck passed (yucky feeling). And paying “dues”? Yeah, some of us have overpaid and now need a complementary free pass.
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My friend… is you. And you know that, right? ♥
Yeah… I’m done paying my dues… I need a break!
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😙 I do! Now let’s take a trip to Hawaii and pretend we’re 20.😆
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I’m in. Just need to collect my lottery winnings… *sigh* ♥
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💜
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Totally agree with yall both.
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💚💚
I get the feeling like it’s laziness thing. In fact half of the time, I attribute my own lack of doing to laziness even though I know how I feel inside. I could just be lazy, though. Or maybe I’m repeating back what I’ve been told. Anyway, I guess you just have to hang in there. I always think that I’m cursed so now I try to up my good karma. I am polite, I hold doors, I let people past, I pick things up for them etc. So far it’s not working out, but who knows? 😂
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♥ I do the same thing… I try to be nice to people hoping that someday, something good will come back to me in return. Not holding my breath, though.
It’s really frustrating knowing what I need to do… want to do, even… but just not be able to do it. It seems like I can… I plan to… but when it’s time to DO… I just can’t. It’s messed up!
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Just do what you can, no matter how big or small. That’s all any of us can do as much as it sucks.
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♥
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I’ll let you know when I have a moment of happiness… could be a while…
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🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
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“It’s not laziness, it’s depression”. I’ve been there too. Over analysis leads to paralysis – deer in the headlights.
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And it sucks because it really feels like I’m just lazy which makes me feel even worse!
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So I will tell you that you are not lazy and you tell me the same … maybe one day we can believe!
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You are not lazy! 🙂
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Perfect! I so needed that. Thank you 🙂
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I have the best things in life, a loving family, I don’t starve to death, and the list goes on. It’s not that I’m not grateful, I have always been grateful. But I still find myself being lonely every single day. I have moments I’m a happy the last hour, then suddenly crying after an hour. I think I’m depressed and I just don’t want to admit it. I haven’t felt genuine happiness for a very long time. I could relate to this post for some reason.
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I don’t think any of this is ever about being ungrateful for what we have. It’s about the feelings that take over despite what we have. I have huge holes in my life… things that are missing. It’s very lonely. That doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what I have.. I understand what you’re saying… how you feel.
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I really like your stream of consciousness writing with zero editing. That’s a really cool practice. Also, I can relate to your ‘do’ and ‘dues.’ I have trouble doing because of my bipolar, and I feel like the universe owes me after everything that has happened to me. Seriously.
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Yes… that is exactly how I feel. I need to catch a break!
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