I had an uneventful weekend… which is both good and bad. Nothing especially bad happened… so that’s good. But nothing really happened at all… so that’s bad.
I feel like I should be doing more stuff with my kids over the weekends, but it’s really hard coming up with things to do that don’t cost anything… and that I’m not too messed up to do (like because of my stupid foot pain that acts up sometimes, for example). Maybe they’re getting too old to hang out with Mom anyway. I know my son is. And… maybe I’m lazy… but that’s probably my moodiness talking… and taking over at times… and I wish it would leave me the hell alone.
I’ve been wondering if I should limit my emotional disaster posts to this one… once a week. But I don’t know that I can make (or keep) that promise. When something happens and I need a friend (or 20), I write… and I post here. Because I have no real-life friends… I have no support. God, that’s even more pathetic in writing than it is in reality. Okay, maybe not more pathetic. But at least as pathetic.
I was about to say, ‘I wonder why I can’t make friends’, but I know why. I’m not around people enough because it freaks me out. (And because I’m unemployed.) But even if I was around people more (like when I was working… or anywhere else), I don’t know how to make small talk. I never know what to say. I end up silent or making jokes, often at my own expense, because that’s all I’ve got. And none of that is winning me any friends.
And really, where would I even go? People don’t talk to strangers at coffee shops or the library or any other places I might go. People are in their own worlds… doing their own thing. Most people already have friends… why would they want me? I’m mostly a nuisance with all my emotional-disaster-ness. (Which is also why I’m often afraid to email those of you who’ve said you’re there for me. I believe you and I appreciate you so much… but I don’t want to drive you away…)
One might think I have a good, if not best, friend in my husband or one of my sisters.
I am close to the two sisters who speak to me. (Someday, maybe I’ll post about the third.) But despite being close with those sisters, they really don’t get me. They don’t understand the anxiety and depression I live with. They think ‘snap out of it’… ‘cheer up’… ‘think positively’… or other such things. Don’t people know that if I could do those things, I obviously would? Those things are exactly what I’m incapable of doing (along with ‘love yourself’). Fuck… I wish I could just do those things!
And my husband. Well, he’s useless with this stuff. I know I say some shit about him. And it’s all true. But he’s not a bad guy. He’s not mean or anything like that. He’s just not… there for me, I guess. He used to be. Maybe he got sick of me. But it’s not like I ever hid who I was. I’ve always been a disaster… from the moment we met. He loved me anyway. But now… I really can’t talk to him when I’m in crisis… when I need someone. If I try, I usually come out of it feeling worse. Mostly because he says pretty much nothing… and it doesn’t even feel like he’s listening. I might as well talk to a brick.
So. I don’t know where I was going with any of this. I guess this is what came out when I thought about my mood. And this week… I can actually describe my mood in one word…
Final assessment: lonely
©2017 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
I’m with you….Mondays suck fucking ass
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Man. That last line got me. Lonely. Such a sad word. Givin’ me the feels today, girl. 😔
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Aww Sandra! *hugs* I agree with sonofabeach, you’re giving me all the feels. *more hugs*
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Hugs, indeed. 😕
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Thanks man
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I’m sorry… I don’t mean to make people sad! Thanks for the hugs… ❤
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Not sad per say, just sympathizing that’s all 🙂
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Well, that’s good. the not sad part. 🙂
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😊
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I’m sorry… If it makes you feel any better… and I know it won’t… it make me sad, too. So, you know, it’s not just you…
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Nope. Doesn’t make me feel any better. But it’s not about me. I wish I could do something. Being helpless kinda pisses me off. 😏
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I feel helpless, too… which also sucks. I mean, really… what can I do? I don’t think a supportive friend is suddenly going to materialize on my doorstep. Even if/when I find a job… I’ve never really made out-of-office friends with coworkers… In-office friends, I guess. But outside? And lasting beyond my employment? Not so much. Hell, not at all. I have minimal contact… mostly so they will remember I exist for use as references, etc.
BTW, lonely is why I always ramble on to you. Sorry for that. I should try shutting up once in a while!
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No! Don’t you dare. I just wish I were the least bit helpful. 😕
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But you ‘listen’… and don’t run away. 🙂
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That’s really not that helpful though, is it? And it’s not something I mind doing, at all. I just find it so hard to understand why you don’t have someone in your life that cares, a lot, and is there to be that crutch when needed. Especially from within the confines of your own home. 😕
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It’s helpful because you’re supportive. And even though we don’t know each other in ‘real life’, you care what I’m saying.
I don’t know about the rest. Like I said in the post… it wasn’t always this way. But maybe it was never enough either. Part of me definitely thought it was but maybe it never was. What the hell do I know? I make bad decisions… and do things for the wrong reasons. That’s why it’s hard for me not to think it’s all my fault… because it kind of is.
And he, and others, I’m sure, are the way they are because they don’t know what else to say or do… so I don’t really have trouble understanding why I don’t have anyone. It’s overwhelming for them. I don’t know… maybe no one *really* loves me. (Flashback to song of the day #1…)
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Well, if you’re like my wife, she always told me she didn’t need fixing. Just needed me to listen, understand, then give her a hug. Seems as though someone, especially your spouse, could provide that.
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Your wife is right. I mean, don’t get me wrong… if there is an answer or a solution, give it to me! But I know there isn’t… I just wish I felt supported… cared for… loved. But I really don’t. He listens, I guess, but I know it’s not really sinking in. I suspect he’s thinking his own thoughts while I’m talking instead of concentrating on what I’m saying. And when he speaks, 95% of the time it’s to say “I don’t know.” I hate that. Maybe the worst part is… I don’t know that I want him to be my support anymore. I want someone… I need someone… but I often feel like I’m done wishing it was him. You know who that leaves me to talk to? My kids! I can’t tell them these feelings! Okay, sometimes, I talk to Mom… but I feel like I’m giving her things to worry about and I hate to do that to her.
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Did you have friends from high school or college? I mean really close ones, that you still talk to? I guess we (WP friends, that is) try, but there’s no substitute for in-person. I know you don’t want to break up your family, and I’m all for that. But you have every right to get what you need outta this relationship. He can’t be contentented with how things are either, can he? Gotta be some kind of give and take.
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I don’t have anyone. I’m not exaggerating or being dramatic when I say I have no friends offline. I really don’t. But you’re right… there’s no substitute for in-person.
Maybe my husband is content. I’ve asked him… and his only response is… You don’t have that “new relationship” feeling forever… and I get that… But he seems to think we are in a normal place for this many years into our relationship. Or maybe he just doesn’t care enough to make things better.
Yeah, I’m not going anywhere. But you know, what would that accomplish (other than ruining my kids’ lives)? It’s not like I would have anyone anyway. I don’t know how to make friends… and I seriously doubt I’m going to find love. Hell, I’d be more alone. Is that a thing?
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I hear ya’. I totally get not wanting to uproot your kids. But dang. Some lulls are fairly normal, yes. But……
I just wish he’d talk to you. Reallllyyyyyy talk to you. 😕
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I know. That might be good. Maybe he’s just so stressed and bitter about my unemployment that now isn’t the time. I really don’t know. But I really do think that my alternative is a lot lonelier.
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And messier. 😏
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And I thought you rambled on to me because I was such a righteous dude. 😃
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Well, obviously that, too. 🙂
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Ha! Liar. 😏
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I would never lie to you… 🙂
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😊😊
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I think you and I have a lot in common…
But, I work a job that doesn’t have weekends…I work days on days for weeks at a time and then when I’m off work, I go days and days without working, so I sometimes do not know when Monday happens. Maybe that’s when of those silly little blessings I should feel gratitude, but don’t…huh?
Well, I do find some release in posting online and relinquishing some sort of faux-control over my emotions. So, I think you don’t have to keep these kinds of posts to just one day…especially, since it’s your blog and you can do whatever the eff you want. 🙂
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Thank you… and I feel the need to say I’m sorry… that we have lots in common because I wouldn’t wish the way I feel on anyone! But I’m glad that you understand.
Honestly, it doesn’t matter if it’s Monday or not. “Moody Monday” was just catchy. Haha 🙂 I could write a post about my mood daily… and it would never be exactly the same!
You’re right… I can do whatever I want here… but I can just picture people reading and shaking their heads thinking, “oh man, not again…” and I hate that vision!
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Moody Monday
Terrible Tuesday
Weeping Wednesday
Torturous Thursday
Furious Friday
Self-deprecating Saturday
and
Sullen Sunday
😉
But I get it. It’s why I deleted my last blog…I just felt like I was going on and on about the same B.S. and now I feel like I’m starting it off again.
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I started my blog with the intention of saying whatever I wanted to say… whatever I needed to say. But when I realized people were actually reading, I started to pull back. Laying it all out there would scare people off… make them think less of me… etc. But that crumbled months later. I needed to get it out there. And it turns out people understood and I finally felt like I had some support… which is seriously lacking in my ‘real life’…
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Oh, I totally get it…
that was me with my last two blogs. I was able to express myself in ways I was always too terrified to do in my real life and then I began feeling like it was so real but knew nothing about it could ever be real…
and squashed my blogs.
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Do something different. If what you’re trying isn’t working for you, change it up. Don’t look back when your husband used to be there for you. He still is, but chances are you both have changed since. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is. He’s dealing with someone just a little bit different from who you used to be. You probably are, too. Embrace it, own it, and do something different. ❤
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Well… it’s not good… but I’m not so sure it’s not bad. But that doesn’t matter. Changing something is a good thing to try. I am kind of doing something different but it may not be the best change. I’m going to need to give it more thought. (As if I don’t overthink enough… ha!) ♥
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Sometimes giving it too much thought will give you reason to not do something. Be spontaneous!
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That’s true… Overthinking gives me too much time to talk myself out of things. I’m more successful if I do something the second I think of it rather than wait…
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Oh Sandra, I wish I could help too. I’ll send you a hug at least. ❤
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Thanks, Meg. ♥ I know there’s really not much anyone can say or do… but I appreciate you!
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Ne of these days I’m going to get to your neck of the woods and we’ll get that coffee together. And we won’t have to make small talk either!
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Haha… yes, definitely no small talk!
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😉
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You know you can always email me, right? Just because I worry about abusing my friendships doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear from anyone. Hell, maybe that would make it easier for me to feel like it is okay for me to talk to them… know what I mean?
Anyway… that being said, I’m going to reply to this comment in an email. 🙂
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I look forward to hearing from you!
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I feel for you. I don’t know the answer really. No other parents of your kids that you could just start with saying hi to at school or martial arts or something? I’m still not good in front of a crowd but I’m great talking one on one. Seems like many of our friends when we were younger were parents of other kids on sports teams or from school. And daycare when they were littler. I think you would be a great friend to talk with over coffee or lunch. You are so fun and funny and sensitive! I need to make a trip out to see you 🙂
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Aw… you’re sweet! ♥ I wish so much that I was better at talking to people. I am rarely with other parents because I’m so uncomfortable in those situations. My mom always tells me that’s where she would start. But my mom is outgoing… she can talk to anyone! I am quite the opposite… as you know. There are some parents who know me from parties I’ve taken my kids to. I do say hi to them if I see them… I’m friendly. But it never goes any further. And they all seem to already be friends with each other. I guess I would have had to be better at this from day 1 of kindergarten… it sucks!
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You should try just butting into their conversation a little bit. Compliment them or their kids, that goes a long way with parents!
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I don’t know when/if the opportunity will arise again. The last time I saw anyone was at “Back to School Night” just after school started. I am so bad with people… in social situations… I don’t even know that I could do it anyway… not without a massive panic attack!
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Just try it once. What could it hurt!
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I don’t know… but it’s making me panic a little now and I don’t even know when I’d have a chance to try!
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Don’t panic. Just jump in some time if you have a chance…
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Aww, I understand this completely. I just work on being my own friend and reaching out to who I can. I used to long for a BFF that actually felt like one, but last year when the longest friendship I had ended, I just gave up on that. People come and go, friends come and go, but at the end of the day, I’m stuck with myself. I might as well make something good out of it.
Anyway, if you ever want to talk to someone, I’m available via email (spnsnark at Gmail) or whatever else. I would say here, but I am slowly learning that I am useless at WordPress. 😂
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Aww, you are not useless at WP! I never would have met you if not for this place… so there’s that. Then again, I’m no ray of fucking sunshine. 😀
I really miss having friends. Or… one friend. But it’s just too hard to make friends at this point in my life. It seems I can only do it online.
Thanks so much for your thoughts. I definitely need to be a better friend to myself. I kind of fail there. And by the way, the same goes for you… email me anytime… (whatsandrathinks at gmail) 🙂
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Lovely, Sandra,
As a introverted extrovert (if that even makes sense) I do understand what it’s like to not know what to say to people to engage them in conversation long enough to become friends. I get it. I used to be far more extroverted, but as time and life has chipped away my veneer, I find that I struggle with connection. (Except with male gardners of course)
I don’t feel like I spend enough time doing things with my kids either. There are many things I would change, if I could.
But looking over these comments, you have such an amazing support system on here. I know it’s not in the flesh, but I guarantee, it is all from the heart.
Love and light to you, Lovely.
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Thank you ♥
Even here online, there are times I struggle with what to say to people. I’m terrible at saying the right things… or doing the right things!
I’ve always had trouble talking to people (until I get to know them) but it has gotten worse over the years. I don’t think I’m ever going to have a friend offline. But I am so grateful for every wonderful person here. I’m amazed every day that anyone puts up with me. And I always question whether I deserve it.
Thank you again. ♥
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You do deserve it.❤️
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Thank you… ♥
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