… and sooner or later, everyone will find out. Sooner, I guess, since I’m telling you…
It’s happening again. I’ve written three posts since last night and I’ve trashed them all. They’re crap.
Aaaand… I just wrote a paragraph here in this post and deleted it.
I can’t figure out what I want to say. Or how to say it. Or if I have anything to say at all.
It used to be that I had so much to say… whether it was fiction, poetry, an idea for a blog post… I’d be grabbing my laptop, notebook, phone, post-it note… whatever I could get my hands on to write at every spare moment. I still grab whatever’s around when I have a thought… but those thoughts… they’re disappearing. I feel so… uninspired.
It’s not just writing. It’s my art/design, too… I had ideas bouncing all over the place just days ago… and now… I have nothing. Well, nothing good.
It feels like any ‘success‘ I’ve found with art or writing was a fluke. It feels like I’ve been pretending to be a writer… an artist. But the truth is coming out… the jig is up.
It feels like lies. All lies. And by the way… this is why I both want and fear finding a dream job as a writer or an artist. Because my inspiration is fickle. What happens when I have to do a job… but I’ve got no ideas? What then? Shouldn’t a writer be able to write? Shouldn’t an artist be able to create?
Okay, I can do those things, technically… but lately, with minimal inspiration, not well.
I guess I’m having a ‘block‘. But that just feels like an excuse… a label for my inadequacy. It doesn’t make me feel better. And of course it changes nothing.
“It happens to everyone…” I don’t want to hear that any more than a middle-aged guy with a sexual dysfunction wants to hear it.
It makes me feel like a fraud. And someone’s going to find me out. Oh wait… everyone is going to find me out… because I just told you everything…
• • •
[Just watch… tomorrow I’ll find inspiration and then I’ll look like a nutball for posting this. But if I can have my inspiration back, I can live with that.]
©2017 what sandra thinks