It’s not great. Feel free to stop here if you don’t want to continue. I’ll understand.
But I guess it’s not awful either.
I was going to skip this post today because my mood mostly sucks. But that seems kind of silly. Skip posting when I’m in a crap mood but post when I feel okay?
Oh, by the way, did I mention that I’m just writing this… live… off the top of my head… with no plan whatsoever? I might use a lot of bad words. (Might… hahaha) I might not even proofread it. You can expect it to be a complete mess. Just like me.
The kids go back to school a week from tomorrow. I admit, at times, they have been driving me mad but I don’t really want them to go. I do love my alone time. I always have. But right now, I’m afraid of it.
Whenever I have a few alone moments, I overthink things… I make myself stressed and upset. Once they’re back in school, I’m going to be alone a lot more. And because I am me, I’m already worrying about it and it hasn’t even fucking happened yet.
Alone should be good for me… I’ll have time to do a few projects around the house. I’ll have time to take a peaceful walk alone. I’ll have time to write. But… I’m having trouble getting motivated for the home projects or the walks even though I always feel better afterwards. And I feel guilty when I just sit there and write. Oh hell, I feel guilty when I do anything except… work on my job search… because as I’ve discussed a million times, I need a fucking job.
[I’m not going to go into all sorts of detail about the job thing because I’ve done so many times before and even if you’re a newer follower/reader, you don’t want to hear about that fucking nightmare. I’ll just summarize briefly (always a challenge for me). Too many stipulations need to be met for me to take a job if I even find one… money, flexibility, location, more…]
I am not lucky. Unless you count bad luck. And no, I cannot ‘make my own luck’. [See ‘couple things’, thing two.] I know some people for whom things just work out. All the time. I am not one of those people. I guess I just don’t deserve good things. Oh… I have a picture for this…
For the last few days, it seems that if I’m not dwelling on my past regrets, I’m anxious and hopeless about my future yet unable to take action in the present.
And then there’s the comparison problem. I wrote a whole post about this but never posted it. (It seems I have a lot of those… wrote, never posted.) Yesterday, the kids and I went swimming at mom’s and my very successful sister was there. I love her and we are close. I wrote about her, too… but I posted that one. I always feel like a HUGE failure around her. Because, let’s face it, I am. So that sucks.
As today progresses, I seem to be on a yo-yo. I feel a little better, so it’s not all bad… but when I stop and think for a second, I go right back down. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
Final assessment: I feel like hell. Then I feel okay… then hell again. I want to curl up in a ball and hide in my closet.
p.s.: a little embarrassed by my patheticness and wondering if I should post this at all. If I change my mind… down it comes…
©2017 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Maybe writing and posting it helps you to put things in perspective. Hope you feel better soon. Job hunting is never easy. All the best.
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Thanks so much. I appreciate it. Yes, job hunting is horrible. I’ve been doing it for too long now and it seems to feel worse as I go, not better!
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Quit playing the comparison game!!! That’s a recipe for trouble in ones own mind. Besides, the grass is generally not as green as it may seem.
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It doesn’t really matter. I know with regard to work/money/a few other ways I can think of, it’s very fucking green on her side. Maybe not in every single way… but I’m not so sure. I think even the parts she’s not 100% thrilled with are better than my situation. She has a great life. Happiness, friends, money, career. I don’t have any of that.
I know I shouldn’t compare but it’s impossible not to. She and I have been compared our whole lives.
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I have no reference point, I’m an only child. But, if y’all are close, that’s a blessing, no matter how great her grass is. Try to see the good. I know, easier said than done. But, try. 😊
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It is difficult because even the “good” things I have (and they’re not completely good… none of them… I compare those aspects to her life and I still think her situation is better. It is all from that old post I linked (the one about her). She and I were always the smart ones… but she knew what she wanted and I didn’t. So she succeeded and I floundered and ended up in the dirt somewhere. All the wrong decisions, you know? If only I’d known what I wanted to do with my life… I bet I would have succeeded, too. Anyway, too late now. (And yes… it really is too late…)
I try… I promise I really do…
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Never say it’s too late. As long as you’re still kickin’, things can change. I believe you try. And I’d venture to bet it even works sometimes. But, I’d also venture to bet that you let the bad creep back in, or convince yourself the other shoe is gonna drop? That’s the thing. It doesn’t always drop, the next day can be a good day too. It’s ok. Fuck that guilt thing! I know of which you speak on the guilt. Fuck that! You’ve gotta release that from your mindset. You DO deserve a good day or more. You ARE worthy of kindness, blessings, and/or some sorta good shit to come your way. 99% of us are. You just have to squash the negative thoughts. Again, easier said than done. But, I’ll certainly try to coax you along that path, even if from faraway land in the ether. Cliches and all. 😉
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When I say it’s too late… what I mean is… I can’t afford (financially or with regard to time) to go back to school to start a new career. (I don’t even know what that would be… and I can’t start at the bottom at this point in my life… though that may happen anyway which is beyond depressing). And I can’t do that whole re-living of my 20s so I can change some other major decisions… relationship ones. Too late to change my first wedding… etc.
That’s what I mean by too late. I’d love it if SOMETHING could change… if SOMETHING could go my way… but I don’t know how to make that happen.
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Oh Christ! I wouldn’t wanna live through my 20’s again! Well….maybe a little. But, I knew what you were saying. And I get it. But you just have to do something….anything….at this point. Not just for the money. Your self-esteem needs a jolt, you need to feel productive. Just my opinion mind you, but you’d feel a million times better if you were relied on, had to get up and be there by a certain time, and all that other shit that comes with being a paid employee. What about at a bakery? A party planning office? A local newspaper, no matter how small? I don’t know. Only you know what you’re capable of doing. Duck that talk about being too late! Just start. Somewhere. And the sooner the better. You CAN. Just do it. 😊
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If I knew any of what I know now, I would do my 20s over in a second. Fuck, I’d do my teens over again!
The thing is.., I honestly don’t think I can do it. And I don’t know where to start anymore. I have so much trouble starting this process… I’ve done it so fucking many times, each with multiple panic attacks, each with no results. It feels pointless. I have an on-and-off back pain situation that won’t allow me to be on my feet all day… so that leaves out a bunch of stuff. Plus, if it’s not going to be enough for me to be able to make arrangements for the kids, I can’t do it. I also have no experience outside my home with any of the things you mentioned. I wouldn’t get hired anyway.
I agree that having a job would likely make me feel less useless. But there are too many issues and conditions… they’ll never be met… like, none of them… forget all of them! I think I’m trapped.
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Can you feel the anxiety coming on? Do you know what triggers it? I mean specifically? I’m out of my comfort zone here. I have to admit, I have very little experience with anxiety. I’m not sure I’m even remotely qualified for any of the advice I’ve shoved at you. I wish I knew what to say to make you see you can do this. 😕
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Yes… I can feel the anxiety and the tears. Heart racing… lots of tears. The trigger… right now anyway… is just *thinking* about how I need to contact the recruiter again now that school is starting — because then… well, all those issues with the kids and money and everything else pile on. And when I finally manage to get myself to contact her… I can’t say no to things even if they sound awful because if I say no to everything, she’s not going to help me anymore. But like I said… schedule, location, money… I can’t take something that’s not feasible. But I don’t want to look like an ungrateful bitch either.
And it’s okay that you don’t know what to say. I appreciate you and your friendship and everything else… but it’s not your job to fix me or even help me. I’m just glad to have someone to “talk” to.
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Well, I’m happy to be that. I fear sounding like an ass when I try to encourage. Yet, I don’t really know how you feel, and how difficult it is to mange that level of anxiety. I don’t know. I don’t want to ever seem patronizing or like I’m minimizing how you feel. Just wish I knew how to convince you that you….I don’t know…can. 😕
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I do know that it’s hard for those who have never experienced this kind of anxiety to imagine what it’s like. What I hate is when someone (I won’t name names but he lives with me) thinks I’m blowing it out of proportion… exaggerating… and I’m not.
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That’s exactly what I don’t want you to think I’m doing. I’m really not.
Do you have others who chat with you here, that know what it’s like? That can give you actual good advice, from their own experience? I sure hope so…’cause I kinda suck at it, I’m afraid. 😃
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It’s okay. I do know a couple of others who have had panic attacks. It still feels like I’m worse than them, but that’s probably because it’s me. 🙂
You can always fall back on telling me how great I am. Haha! 😀 Maybe someday I’ll believe it.
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Hahaha! I shall proceed to do just that. 😃
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Think of all the things she has, that you don’t. Like haemorrhoids, halitosis, ingrowing toenail and then SMILE!
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You are funny. 🙂 Of course, she has none of those things…
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Maybe not, but you can pretend!
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🙂
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I’m glad you wrote this. it’s important to let all those feelings and emotions out!
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Sometimes. But sometimes I’m not sure it’s good because it makes me think about them too much… dwell on them. But then again, that usually happens anyway…!
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ooo yeah I do that too. I hope you find a balance where you can vent to feel better but still not dwell 😦
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Thanks… 🙂
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Hey Sandra, if it’s any consolation I’m still outta work too. But hey, somethings gotta change sometime. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs from afar.
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Thanks, M. I really do hope something changes. For both of us! I could really use some luck. I can’t remember the last time I had any (of the good variety, anyway)! Hugs to you, too. ♥
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Sending lots of hugs and love and good wishes ❤
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Thanks so much… you’re so sweet! ♥
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Well done for posting! It’s not easy, but incredibly brave of you! I hope it helped you to find some clarity, a weight off your shoulders. I always feel it helps me, I hope it has helped you xx Keep going xx
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Thanks very much. It does help not keeping it all inside!
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Sandra,
Don’t look at yourself as a failure but a work-in-progress. Not all of us find our way in life instantly like some people do. Change the things you can and don’t stress over the things that are beyond your control. True, it’s easier said than done often times but I told my kids when they were small and I tell them now that they’re grown, you can’t measure yourself to another because you’re always going to see things in that person you wish you could do or be and it’s just not going to happen. It doesn’t mean that you’re any less successful or smart or good or beautiful or whatever as that person – just different and who knows maybe you are actually better than them. You gotta believe in yourself for others to believe in you. Finding the motivation to get going is something we all understand and like you’ve discovered once you get going that feel good sense is the reward we love. Sweep those bad vibes right out the door and say hello to good vibrations! 🙂
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Thanks, Cathy. I have a lot of trouble believing in myself… I always have. I think others believe in me more than I do! Motivation is a huge struggle, too. I keep trying but sometimes I’m not sure I’ll ever overcome it. Thanks again for your thoughts! 🙂
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