It is currently 1:42 am Friday morning. Usually, I’d post fiction friday about 8 or 9 hours from now. But this next part… the one I had already written 4 times when I posted about it on Monday… well… I’m on version 7 now. And I’m still not happy with it. Or any previous version. I’m still so disappointed with every damn word I write.
I tried casting my laptop aside and writing with pen and paper. That was version 6. No peeking at any previous versions… just writing as though it was the first time. I don’t know that it was any better. Maybe it doesn’t matter if it’s better or not — I’m so disgusted with my writing right now that it’s going to be crap to me no matter what. And I don’t want to post something and then regret it.
I think I could write the words if I knew what I wanted to say. But I can’t even get that straight. I’m going in too many different directions… with no destinations.
I’m growing concerned that I’m never going to be able to finish this story. But I’ve left you hanging. (And by ‘you’, of course, I mean those of you reading it… those of you who are even remotely invested in the story.) I want to finish it… but it’s just not working. It feels like it’s never going to work. It’s not even just this next part… It’s the ending, too. I don’t know where I got lost… but I am lost.
So… I’ve written this whole post to tell you that I have no idea if I’m going to be able to post fiction friday today. I need to get some sleep. I’m hoping it’s exhaustion and not pure insanity that made me cry over this tonight. I just can’t write it. I know I’m fucking ridiculous. It’s just a stupid story.
©2017 what sandra thinks
what sandra thinks 
Any story you have to tell is not stupid. We all love your writing here, and many of us look forward to reading anything you write. I know how hard it can be to wrestle with your creative conscious, and when its at its worst it feels like you may never write again. But you will, because its something you love to do, and it gives you, and so many others pleasure. Your writing touches people. Always here if you need to bounce some idea off, or need constructive feedback. I hope the sun is shining, and when you wake up its a beautiful day.
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Your very sweet… thank you so much. ❤ I’m so frustrated that I’m having so much trouble with this. It’s crazy that it’s upsetting me this much. I wish I could erase from my brain everything I’ve written that I’m not happy with… but it keeps creeping back in… and I keep writing different versions of the same thing… and I don’t love it. I really need some sleep.
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You’re not fucking ridiculous, it’s more than a story.
What’s the problem, can I help? Remember a few weeks ago when you asked for people to help and I said I would. I meant that 🙂
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I know… and I really appreciate it. I really just don’t know how anyone can help. Originally, I had an ending and I thought it was okay… but just okay. And the more I thought about it, the more I hated it. So now, I don’t even have an ending. And I’m not sure what happens right now in the story either… I have too many versions and I can’t erase them from my head and start over… but I do like pieces of them… so… See? I’m totally confused! 🙂
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Maybe a distraction would help. Try not to write at all for a week and find an alternative activity for that week. Walking twice a day during the day, gardening or going to bookshops. ( I also like to garden, or paint so when I’m not right in the head I need something else positive to flush my head. Hope this helps.
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I’m not sure I could quit writing for a week. That feels like punishment! 🙂 But I have been trying not to spend as much time working on this because it’s driving me crazy…
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A side note…or maybe not…
Do irrational numbers bother you?
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Not really… I like pi. Also pie. 🙂
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Not “just a stupid story”. It’s yours and something you’ve invested your time and effort in. It means something to you. That’s never a “stupid” thing. Your putting too much pressure on yourself, in every way, it seems. This should be your distraction, your escape, not another stressor. Breathe! 😊
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I know I’m doing this to myself. But I WANT to write it. I don’t want to walk away. It’s not even writing words that’s the problem… it’s the story itself at this point. My original ending sucks… not using that. But I don’t have another one. It’s impossible to figure out how to get somewhere when you don’t know where somewhere is. (Kind of like my life… as we were discussing the other day. Freaky. And interesting. Wonder if that means something?)
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Your brain just needs a sabbatical, I think. You’re wearing yourself out, mentally, and likely physically. Breathe, my dear. Take a break from it. Do some meditation. Take up yoga. Get on a walking regimen. Sit by the ocean. Whatever. Clear your head, pray for peace (I know. That’s funny coming from a non-religious peep like me. But there’s a difference between religious and spiritual. Anyway….). Your pushing too hard. Relax a bit and it’ll start coming to you. Maybe? Tell me to fuck off any time now. 😃
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Fuck off! 😀 I’m TOTALLY joking!
I don’t want to not write. I was saying earlier… that sounds like punishment to me! I don’t know that I have the mental capacity to meditate. My brain doesn’t ever empty. It’s always crowded and loud in there. Yeah, I’m not religious… not sure if I’m spiritual either.
It’s 4:30 and I haven’t looked at it all day. I guess that was a break… but nothing has changed. I know you probably mean a longer break but I just don’t want one. Yet it makes me cry that I can’t figure this out. So… yeah… I make no sense!
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Well, take a break from that story and write poetry, or start another story. If it’s frustrating you that bad, stepping away sometimes helps. I’d share a joint with ya’ if i were there. That always helps me get the creative mojo flowing. 😃
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Yeah, I wish I had some of that… The best I’ve got is my as-needed anxiety med. Maybe it’s needed. Oh… I think there is wine. (I know… odd since I rarely drink, but I use it for cooking… and they say buy good stuff… not crappy cooking wine.)
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Well, don’t go on a bender, but a glass or two may take a bit of the edge off. What the hell, man, give it a shot. 😃
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Oh… speaking of shot…
Hahahahaha
I also have Baileys.
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Aaaahhhhh. Ya know what Baileys goes great with? COFFEEEEEEE! 😃
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That’s why I have it! 😀
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I figured! All hail coffee! Caffeine is good. 😃
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Oh… also… if I take a long break right now… where the story is now… no one is going to care anymore when I come back to it.
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That’s not true. I don’t think. Maybe you’re right? I’m likely the last person to take advice from about writing. 😃
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Well, that’s more about readers than about my writing… but I don’t know. I don’t even know that a ton of people are reading my fiction… I’d hate to lose anyone because I’m sucking so bad right now…
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Wait a second! Are you saying we have short attenti……Hey look! A chicken! 😃
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😀 Maybe not that short… but it’s already been a week since the last new fiction post… how long before people forget what was even going on??
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Not sure. I barely remember my name most days, though. Don’t use me as your litmus on that. 😃
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All of the above. Putting pressure on yourself is counterproductive. On a side note I tried writing the other day by hand and my muscles crapped up so fast! Guess I have gotten so used to typing my hands are not used to pencils!
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🙂 I was surprised that my hand wasn’t bothering me after writing for a while. I don’t do it as often as I used to! I know… I need to chill about this but I just want to write it so badly… I can’t seem to walk away from it!
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Go off in a completely different direction. Write something silly, or pious, or smutty, or about a fat toad (I’m sure you’ve met a few!) Come back to the story in 3 weeks, or 4 weeks, revamp, rewrite, or carry on in the same way. It does not matter, it REALLY does not matter. If the worst comes to the worst, get drunk! We’ll be queueing up to join you!
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Oh… your comments always make me smile. Get drunk! Haha. 🙂 I may have to try that. I hate to put it on hold for too long… by the time I pick it up again, everyone will have lost interest! I think it might be good for me to find something else to write so I can take a break. Of course, I’ll need some inspiration for that, too!
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In that case, get slightly drunk with a friend, and record the conversation!
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‘I want to finish it.’ Want. And that’s where writer’s block begins.. Hope you had a good night and woke up in that type of flow you can’t even be bothered to shower first 🙂
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I love that! I did wake up with a writing idea… but not this one. Maybe tomorrow… 🙂
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I’ve missed so much of your writing and so many of your posts. Still I’m back and look forward to catching up on whatever, poetry, fiction … I enjoy your writing Sandra, regardless of what you think about it. Remember, once a writer, always a writer. Hugs 🙂
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Aww, thank you. You’re so sweet. ♥xo
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