I wish I hadn’t been blind
when you were by my side
because I had everything
I was a fool to think
I’d find something more
because you were everything
I cannot understand
why I let you go
because I lost everything
I live without you now
and it hurts because I know
I will never have everything
©2017 what sandra thinks
Liam Sullivan's Ideas and Reflections
Wordpress simulcast of the official A to Z Challenge blog
the fictional journal of Katie K.
“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” — Maya Angelou
Photos, art, and a little bit of LIT.
A Look on the Brighter Side of Life
what sandra thinks 
Is this based in truth? Why’d you let him go, if so?
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It is true. And I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me! I question my worth so much that I ruin all the good things. I think I don’t deserve them. I don’t know I’m doing it at the time, but I sabotage those things. I guess the reason so many parts of my life suck is because that’s what I deserve. I do it to myself and never realize I’ve done it until it’s too late…
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Self-fulfilling prophecy! It’s a real thing. I know it sounds cliche, but good begets good. The same is true for negativity. And you do deserve to have good things! Of course you do. Quit thinking you don’t!!!
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I guess I have trouble coming up with explanations for the sucky things… so I figure they suck because that’s what I deserve. What other explanation is there? I did it all to myself even if I didn’t know I was doing it at the time. I’m probably doing something right now that I’ll regret later even though I can’t figure out what it is. I am drowning in regret today. It’s true what they day… it’s a useless emotion… but that doesn’t mean I can get it out of my head…
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It really is useless. Unless the regrets lead to change, or fixing what you regret. Is that possible? If not, you gotta let it go, man. It’ll eat ya’ alive.
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Without time travel, it’s not possible. I wish I could get it out of my head. If there’s a way… and a way to fix it, I can’t figure it out. Also my brain can’t do the things “normal” people can do so that’s a problem…
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Is this about the one from high school?
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No… the one from the end of college… who I was with for 4 years until I fucked it up…
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Can I ask how? How you fucked it up, that is? 4 years is a long time.
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I had no idea what I was doing at the time but I guess I was still kind of figuring myself out (never did do that)… and I wondered if there was something else out there even though I already had him… and I was blind to how amazing he was and how much I loved him and he loved me… so I subconsciously pushed him away until finally, he found someone else. It’s like that ‘blind’ poem I wrote. I start to focus on some stupid thing I don’t have and I lose sight of what I do have. And really, what more could I have wanted? He was pretty much perfect for me.
And this is all my own analysis at this moment… so it could be totally wrong…
Basically, I’m totally a disaster and I ruin things that are good because I see so much bad. Then there’s more bad… and on and on it goes. It’s a sickness.
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I know it sounds simplistic, but being positive, even when in the weeds, leads to more positive. Not in religious sense. I’m NOT religious. But I believe in the power of the universe, and seeing the good, even when it seems there is none, leads to more good. It really does. I wish I knew how to lead you down that path. Start small though. Being grateful for even the smallest things can shut those negative voices down to a manageable level, and the universe rewards that positive with more. Just gotta see the good. Oh, by the way, the grass is almost never greener, no matter what we think at the time.
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Thinking the grass was greener was my downfall, in a way, then… and in other ways it is now, too.
Do you know what happens when I try to think about something good or see something in a good way? All the bad things about it overtake my brain so intensely that there’s no good left. I don’t TRY to focus on the bad… it’s not even conscious. It just happens all the time no matter how hard I try to stop it or ignore it. My brain just isn’t capable of it. Even the therapist I saw for a while could see that. We came to a point where he said I just had to believe SOMETHING good, no matter how small, so I’d have a starting point… but I couldn’t do it. I’m just broken… There doesn’t seem to be any combination of anything, chemical or not, that fixes this even a little.
I’m sorry… I’ll shut up now…
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Oh, my dear. That makes me sad. I hate this for you. I’m trying to think of anything to help. It’s probably irritating. I’m sorry. So, I’ll just send you a hug, tell you I understand, and let you talk. I’m here if you need an ear. 😊
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It’s okay… You most certainly do NOT need to apologize for trying to help. I appreciate you. I just wish I was capable of doing SOMETHING. I’m sure it’s totally frustrating for you and I’m sorry for that.
When I have a day like today, usually the way I get through it is to tell myself to accept it… accept that this is just how it is… and hope that tomorrow it’ll slip back farther into my mind and leave me alone… at least for a while. But who knows what will actually happen. I seem to have no control. Yesterday I was okay… today sucks. Tomorrow? Who the fuck knows??
Anyway… don’t apologize. I drive everyone away with my ‘issues’ but you’re kind enough to stick around in spite of them. I’m honestly not even sure how you do it! I’m sick of me… how are you not?
So thank you. 🙂
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Hahaha! Well, being a sick bastard myself, I’ve often wondered the same about everybody too. How could they possibly put up with my shit?!? They must be masochistic. 😃
I just recall my wife telling me, during all the shit after her mom died, to not try and fix her, just be there for her. So, I’ll offer you the same. I know I can’t “fix” jack shit. But, I can be here. You know where to find me, if need be. And no, by the way, I won’t be run off. Takes a lot more to break my stubborn ass. 😃
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It’s funny (not funny haha)… sometimes I wish my husband understood that… don’t walk away because you can’t ‘fix it’… just be there to listen and give hugs or whatever. But to be totally honest, sometimes I’m so irritated with him that I don’t even want that… I just want him to go away.
It seems that usually whenever I tell him I’m feeling like crap, he just looks at me like he has no idea what to say or do so he just does nothing… and I want to punch him and tell him to go away. But I don’t have anyone else… so, like an idiot, I try again with him… And then there are those times when I don’t bother.
And this comment went in circles and I probably said the same thing in different ways. But you know what I mean.
And thanks for putting up with me.
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I hear ya’. I’m the type that just wants to be alone in my weeds. That’s my natural response, at least. She’s a talker though, so she tends to drag shit outta me.
Just a thought, but could he think you’re blaming him? Ya’ know, not directly necessarily, but as a man, as a husband? We do that. We take it all on us if things aren’t perfect. Especially if our wife isn’t happy. In his own mind, he may feel inadequate. And may not have ever said so. Just asking, because I don’t really know.
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The thing is… it’s not that I want to be alone… it’s more that I just don’t want him in some of those moments. I’d love to have someone… sometimes I just don’t want it to be him.
I don’t think he feels bad or feels blamed. Honestly, most of the time I feel like he doesn’t care much at all. I don’t think making me happy is something he spends time thinking about. I don’t think he really gives my moods all that much thought. If anything, he probably resents me because of the unemployment situation even though this allows me to do so much for the kids that I otherwise wouldn’t be able to do…
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Man. I’m sorry. That’s kinda crappy, oblivious, or both. Some level of compromise is a necessity. I’m sorry that it isn’t offered. 😕
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That’s just how it is… and I got myself here so maybe it’s all my own fault… although it wasn’t always this way…
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Not willing to work with you on all of this? 😕
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Not really. I told him about my shit day and he laughed… which, like you said, is the expected reaction. But I added in the bits about how I woke up feeling like hell and I’m not sure what to do about a couple of specific things. But that got me nowhere. I still don’t know what to do. I don’t expect him to have answers but he could at least talk it through with me. But now I don’t even want to talk to him about it anymore… even though I still don’t know what to do…
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Sounds like a dose of resentment. I wish he’d figure out what he’s missing. 😕
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Because I’m so great? LOL… you’re funny.
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Nope. Because he’s supposed to love you. 😊
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Of course, I’d like him (someone) to love me because they just love me… not because they’re supposed to… but yeah… he’s supposed to. Oh, he says he does. I guess in his way, that’s probably true…
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Well, I wish he’d show you every now and then. In the way you need it, at least. 😊
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Me, too… Instead, I write fiction…
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Well, I like your fiction, but….. 😊
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Yeah… I can’t live there. Unfortunately… 🙂
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That’s an idea for a story. A love story, but one that has the heroine somehow transported into a mystical or magical time and place, within the pages of a book. Or, characters appear from novels into her real life. Maybe? No? 😃
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What do you mean? My characters appear in my real life all the time. Is that weird? Am I imagining them? I must be losing my mind. 😉
It is a good idea… one way or the other… can’t decide which way though…
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My mind was lost years ago, but I think I’m still following along. I think. 😃
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I think I may be having trouble following along!
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What the hell were we talking about?!? 🤔
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😀 Me acting like my characters are real… or pretending I’m one of them. Yeah… sometimes I think I’ve lost touch with reality… and the scary thing is, I think I prefer that!
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Hahaha! Well, reality sucks sometimes, so a little hideaway is never a bad thing. 😃
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Don’t feel sad
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Trying not to!
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Good.
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Oh this hurts to read! 😦
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It hurts to live with it, too…
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Awww I’m sorry! *hugs*
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Thanks ♥
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Thanks very much…
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Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are what might have been
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Oh… so true…
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Human nature- always crave what we don’t have and then when do have it, we fail to appreciate it.
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It’s a shame… but it’s true…
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You have portrayed this predicament beautifully
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Thanks very much!
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Wow. Came across this when I was searching for poetry, and it hit me so hard. Relatable. Nice work!
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Thanks so much… what a wonderful compliment!
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I can relate to this, and the only thing that helps is to remind yourself of the positives in yourself and in your life, abandoning self pity and making plans. Don’t allow yourself to get too sentimental about your choices and the past, accept and remember where you were in your mind at that time and don’t judge yourself. Choose to learn and you will grow! What can also help is to spend time helping and encouraging others through their journey/situations to deepen your life perspective…all the best to you and your journey towards peace and happiness♥
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I really like your work.
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Thank you!
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Thank you, thats really kind.
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I feel the pain and guilt from reading this
Writing helps to release frustration
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Definitely… I couldn’t live without writing!
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I can relate to this so clearly. Haunted by regrets and mistakes. I love your poem, though.
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Yes… I fear the regrets will haunt me forever…
Thank you!
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The picture and then words from your pen, a beautiful combination. can relate to it….
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Thank you! I think many have felt this way at some point in their lives…
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Yes u r right
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Beautiful poem🤗
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Thank you!
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Your welcome
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I completely understand this poem. Can relate in so many ways. Great writing.
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I both love and hate that people understand this feeling. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but it’s good to know I’m not alone. Thank you so much.
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Simple, elegant and poignant. It expresses the loss and regret all humankind must experience. Thank you!
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Thank you for the lovely compliment!
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Wonderful poem!
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Thank you!
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Beautiful poem!
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Thank you!
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