to the food bloggers.

Posted on 1 June 2017 by what sandra thinks

[Disclaimer: Reality-based humor follows. Food bloggers, don’t be offended. Or… if you’re easily offended, run. Run far away.]

Dear food bloggers,

Please take the following under advisement. And don’t fret… I don’t expect any response. Answers and explanations would probably only annoy me more.

dots.

1) Are you all stay-at-home moms with gorgeous kitchens and a fucking photo studio? Everything’s a little too perfect. Mine can’t be the only kitchen on earth in need of a little updating. Or maybe it is. What do I know? I’m just a lowly Pinterest user.

2) Stop calling yourself a ‘busy mom.’ It’s redundant. And you’re not special. Every mom is busy. It’s kind of part of the definition. Dads, too, for that matter. Fuck, anyone for that matter. Everyone is fucking busy! If you’re so damn busy, stop blogging. I’ll just get the recipe from Food Network or something.

3) Are you fucking kidding me with the ads? Some food blogs take so damn long to load, I bail. There are billions of you… I’ll find the recipe somewhere else… somewhere less obnoxious. I am not there to have a seizure-inducing number of ads flash in my face while I wait ten minutes for the goddamn recipe to load. If I wanted to see that many popups, I’d go to a porn site. [Not that I have any experience that would confirm the number of popups on that sort of site. I heard it from a friend.] I’m not going to click on your damn ads. If I want to go internet shopping, I will do so on my own. I’m not going to surf through your pad thai recipe to get to fucking amazon.com. I realize this is a way for you to make money but I just want the fucking recipe. I’m not there to pad your wallet. [Although I guess that’s what I’m doing. Hey, why don’t you come over to my awesome blog and give me money? That’d be swell… thanks.] Oh… by the way… excessive advertising makes your blog ugly as fuck.

4) No, I do not want your fucking newsletter. I want this one recipe for this one particular thing. I don’t give a shit what else you make. [Unless I happen to end up back through a different pin…]

5) Tell me how many/how much the recipe is going to make. I may not want enough [whatever-I’m-making] to serve 90 people. Or not enough to serve 4.

6) Changing one ingredient slightly from a recipe you lifted from another site does not make it your original recipe. And it sure as fuck doesn’t make it your great grandma’s secret recipe. I don’t know about other readers, but I’m not stupid. Changing the cinnamon quantity from 1 tsp to ½ tsp doesn’t make it your recipe. It makes it your ‘tweak.’ And it doesn’t make it better either. Why would you take away any cinnamon? That’s crazy talk.

7) And for the love of god, I do not care if your dog did something cute that day. Or how the weather’s been lately. The rainfall level in fucking Kansas [I haven’t a clue where any food blogger I’ve ever visited lives.] has no bearing on my life.

And finally…

To the commenters:
Please know that if your comment simply says, ‘this looks good,’ or, “I can’t wait to try this,’ it’s useless. Shut the fuck up. Obviously it looks good. Why would I be there if the result looked like something the cat puked up?  Try the damn recipe first and then comment. I want to know if it is good… not if it looks good. Because maybe I’m a bitch (maybe? ha!), but I’m not 100% convinced every food blogger posts only the recipes that turn out well. I say this from experience. I think they take their pretty pictures and post the recipe even if it tasted like butt.

If you’re interested, I’ve got a recipe for what I fondly named feet soup. Totally smells like feet. Kinda tasted like ’em, too.

dots.
©2017 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
This entry was posted in food, humor, rant, writing and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

82 Responses to to the food bloggers.

  1. magarisa says:
    1 June 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Hahahahahahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. Peter's pondering says:
    1 June 2017 at 4:52 pm

    You really must try pouring some cheap sherry over your husband’s feet then licking them dry. It’s barely distinguishable from Stilton and Port. A good complement for the feet soup!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  3. Nortina S. says:
    1 June 2017 at 5:00 pm

    Yes!!! I’m not the only one who feels this way about food bloggers! 😀

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  4. sonofabeach96 says:
    1 June 2017 at 7:06 pm

    That was funny as hell! Thank you. 😃😃

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  5. stephieann8 says:
    1 June 2017 at 7:59 pm

    hahaha I always click the back button when I’m overloaded with ads. They always show me my Torrid wishlist clothes.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  6. musingonamonday says:
    1 June 2017 at 8:10 pm

    Preach! I can’t agree more with your “To the commenters” rant. I dig through the comments only because I’m looking for hints like “I found that chilling the dough helps make the…” or “Pro tip, make sure you…” not for another “Yummm”.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply
    • what sandra thinks says:
      1 June 2017 at 8:17 pm

      Exactly! I mean, come on… everything looks delicious but that doesn’t mean it’ll turn out that way for me. I want a real person’s experience with the recipe. And like you said — good tips!

      Like

      Reply
  7. ladieswholunchreviews says:
    2 June 2017 at 6:13 am

    Hahaha, you always make me laugh! And it was spot on!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  8. Gabe Burkhardt says:
    2 June 2017 at 11:58 am

    hehehe I never thought I’d find a market for this, but now I’m gonna have to branch out into the exciting world of food blogging as well. I’ve created a delicious concoction called “dirty Diaper Pizza.” It may not sound delicious at first, but once you try a crunchy, yet mushy bite of the baked beans, peas, fried tortilla and… well you’ll just have to check it out when I write it up. It’ll be right below a pic of the cat I don’t have, playing in the snow that melted months ago, while I complain about how busy I’m not.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply
  9. pluviolover says:
    2 June 2017 at 1:58 pm

    I tried food blogging. It was not to my taste. No being a Mom, I was unqualified. Nobody told me what the skill set was. Now I know why I hated it failed.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  10. stomperdad says:
    2 June 2017 at 5:07 pm

    This sounds good! Haha see what I did there? Thanks for the laugh. You’re so right. Just like Playboy magazine, I don’t go to Internet recipes for the reading material.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  11. Melissa says:
    5 June 2017 at 12:32 am

    Loved this! I’m a food blogger- but not this type of food blogger! 😛 Thanks for putting this out!

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply
  12. feedinghangrymonsters says:
    6 June 2017 at 3:28 pm

    I think Ive enjoyed or not enjoyed that feet soup a few times lol. I am a food blogger too and a stay at home mom with a very old out of date kitchen (just try not to include that in the pics) when I seem to disappear for awhile its probably because I am cooking like crap, I go through phases! I agree everybody is busy – I am too I just enjoy cooking! I enjoyed your piece!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  13. eslilees says:
    10 June 2017 at 9:19 am

    ha! I am new to the food blogging world and I found this helpful so I can keep it in mind. Thanks for being honest and hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  14. My Kitchen Kohl says:
    12 June 2017 at 10:48 am

    lol I’m a mum food blogger and this cracked me up so much because I feel the same way about my peers (hate their ads, and I don’t have a studio but I make do with my coffee table and vinyl). Anyway for the record, and just for you, I upgraded my WordPress plan so there are no more ads on my posts 😂

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    • what sandra thinks says:
      12 June 2017 at 11:18 am

      🙂 I have not spent the $ to upgrade to have no ads whatsoever… WP does what it does… I don’t have the money at the moment. But I haven’t added anything… no flashy ads all over the place and definitely no pop-ups! I really hate those! I’m glad you got a laugh!

      Like

      Reply
  15. My Kitchen Kohl says:
    12 June 2017 at 10:52 am

    (Sorry to repost, it happened again I posted with my old account the first time)

    lol I’m a mum food blogger and this cracked me up so much because I feel the same way about my peers (hate their ads, and I don’t have a studio but I make do with my coffee table and vinyl). Anyway for the record, and just for you, I upgraded my WordPress plan so there are no more ads on my posts 😂

    Like

    Reply
  16. Kelly Welch says:
    7 July 2017 at 2:08 pm

    #3 & #7 , yessss. I love this so much. Thanks for the laugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  17. cheftash tasteful dreams says:
    13 July 2017 at 1:20 pm

    my 1st read of all blogging sites as I’m extremely new to this world and I’m hooked!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • what sandra thinks says:
      13 July 2017 at 1:43 pm

      Aw, thanks! What a lovely compliment! I was messing around… being funny with this post. But I post all sorts of things… funny things, fiction and poetry… and personal junk! I hope you find other things you enjoy reading here!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  18. Stacia May says:
    15 July 2017 at 11:38 pm

    Lol

    Like

    Reply
  19. Stacia May says:
    15 July 2017 at 11:40 pm

    Also, I am a food blogger, but when I want a recipe, I think the same thing–“enough with the ads”, “I don’t care about your cat jumping on the couch today” 😂

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  20. GrotesqueMaina says:
    21 July 2017 at 3:41 pm

    Simply hilarious 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  21. zatarahale says:
    24 July 2017 at 12:18 pm

    You pretty much just stated everything most people think when they go read a million adds or how cute the persons kids are before making it to the recipe. Those are reasons why I started my own food blog so people can go their to get the recipe they went to my site for, not to read how many times I had to change my kids diaper or how they learned to roll over. Thanks for the good laugh!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  22. olivesandfeta says:
    26 July 2017 at 2:33 am

    I’ve been a food blogger for all of 6 mths and one thing I decided was I wasn’t going to yibber yabber for pages on end when posting a recipe. I always just scroll to the bit I want anyway. Some definitely need a reality check. Thanks for the read. Am I allowed to say that?? Lol

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  23. Convivial Supper says:
    28 July 2017 at 11:48 pm

    I need this tonight! Thanks for the humor!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  24. thepaninimemoirs says:
    29 July 2017 at 7:36 pm

    Haha love this! Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  25. HKB says:
    31 July 2017 at 12:57 pm

    So day one of being a food blogger and I have already discovered that I don’t want to put adverts on my blog. I cook for fun and I blog to educate myself – I don’t need to make money from it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • what sandra thinks says:
      31 July 2017 at 1:06 pm

      I think subtle ads aren’t as bad… but the pop-ups and moving ads and ads covering parts of photos… so frustrating! Those sites take forever to load and by the time I finally find the recipe, I forget what I was looking for! 🙂

      Like

      Reply
  26. Mandi Em says:
    3 August 2017 at 12:26 am

    As a food (ish) blogger with a hot mess kitchen I highly fucking agree with all of this here. Thanks for the laughs. Hope you update with many ads of feet soup or with the feet soup ebook soon

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  27. BeancurdgirlEats says:
    9 August 2017 at 1:12 am

    Thanks for making me laugh so much while reading you post. What you’ve mentioned is really true. Can’t wait to read more!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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  30. Tina says:
    18 August 2017 at 9:31 pm

    I just came across this and couldn’t help but laugh. Truth, I don’t know how many times I’ve finally said screw it and moved on. Good thing I just do mine for the fun of it, don’t be offended by my yarny projects if you come to visit.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  31. Pingback: to the food bloggers. — what sandra thinks | Bite Your Tongue

  32. kissfromnisha says:
    31 August 2017 at 8:40 am

    Well that was great. 😁😁 loved it. If i didnt already start blogging this would inspire me too lol, just started blogging.. on food (but from a different view) hope you check out my blog. Yours is awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  33. Clare Hopkins says:
    8 September 2017 at 8:38 am

    I love following food bloggers but this post was hilarious! Great read 🙂 Can’t wait to stay updated with your blog 🙂

    xx

    https://colourpotblog.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  34. dawnwairimu says:
    10 September 2017 at 10:22 pm

    Lolll! 🙂 spot on!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  37. SandyLand says:
    20 November 2018 at 1:03 pm

    This is the best thing I’ve read all day! So much truth. I am always so damn irritated when I have to scroll for 4 days through all the notes and chatter and photos (of.the.same.thing) to get to the recipe. Post the recipe FIRST!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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  39. TheDreamGirlWrites says:
    21 May 2021 at 4:19 pm

    This is a MOOD. so accurate. Like at least on pinterest some of them have the option of jump to recipe. What a life saver. The others just go on and on about how the weather was so good, it inspired me to do this this.. I’m like get to the point now please!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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