[Disclaimer: Obvious exaggeration and humor follows… but truth follows also. And much foul language.]
• • •
This was my people-hating quiz result…
If you’ve ever been with me for more than five minutes, you’ve heard me say, ‘I hate people.‘ And I do. I hate people. Not you. Just… people. I know… you’re people. But I really don’t mean you… I mean the collective ‘people’… but there are exceptions (you).
But people. Just leave me the fuck alone. I cannot even count the ways you irritate the hell out of me… but I will start…
1. Driving may be the most people-hating activity of all. How fucking stupid are people?one
… a. If you’re going to be in the fast lane, you cannot expect that moving at 50 mph in a 65 isn’t going to piss me off. Get the fuck out my way.
… b. If you see me about to pull into a parking spot, do not hit the gas and steal said spot. I will punch you in the face.
… c. If you don’t know how to park in parking space, go the fuck home.
… d. Do not assume I will stop mid-traffic to let you out onto the road in front of me. Because that is not going to happen.
… … Okay… that’s enough… but I do have more…
2. I do not want to be in the mall. Or the supermarket. Or Target. Or, god help me, Wal-Mart. I do not want to be around people. Like, ever. I would be online shopping right now if I could. So the least you could do is… yes… you guessed it… get the fuck out of my way.
… a. Speed the fuck up if you’re not going to let me walk around you.
… b. Do not, for the love of all that I hold dear, stop suddenly so I nearly smash into you. Don’t make me spill my coffee, bitch!
… c. No, I do not need help navigating your 1600 square foot store. No, you cannot help me find something. I’m pretty sure I can do it on my own. Stay the hell away from me. Except… if I need that thing up on the top shelf… then… I’m going to need help. Where the fuck are you?
… d. If you see me heading to the line, do not run in front of me. This is when I will intentionally accidentally smash into you.
… e. For fuck’s sake, if you do not know how to handle self-checkout, do not take five hours trying. Just get the fuck out of my way so I can get the hell out of there.
3. Do not gather anywhere I need to be. Too crowded. Go away.
4. Do not get in my personal space… or look over my shoulder at what I’m writing… or reading. And if you’re close enough that you’ve accidentally dripped coffee on me, you’re waaay too close. Get the fuck away from me.
5. Do not continually approach me as though I look like I want people to talk to me. I don’t. Does my body language say, ‘Please come talk to me…’ or ‘I really want you to interrupt me…’ or anything else close to that? Right… it does not. Go the fuck away.
6. If you must talk to me, do not lie to me. I am not stupid. Trust me. I’ll figure it out. And I may never tell you I figured it out, but you should just assume that I know everything. Because I probably do.
7. Do not be a pretentious asshat. Woo… you have a thesaurus. I’m so proud of you. Shut the fuck up.
8. Quit trying so hard. It’s obvious as fuck. Ugh. God, I hate people.
9. My goal is not to be better with people. My goal is to get you the fuck out of my face.
what sandra thinks 
Wow, I’m just nodding along like you were singing a song I knew and I just hummed right along with you. Granted, quietly from the other side of the room where it’s safe… but still. 🙂
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Haha… no worries… you’re cool… no punching or anything similar will occur… 🙂
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I recently left a retail environment where I finally reached the saturation point of “get away from me”. Not a good attitude to have if your in charge. 🙂 I really was nodding sent that one little pic of row row row … off to my former peers (laugh)
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😃
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Preach!!! I’m totally with you on numbers 1, 4, and 9. Get out of my personal space!!! You can add the dillweeds who yap on their phones in the checkout lines as well. Assholes! Nobody gives a shit that you had a manicure or an enema this morning… while wearing your fucking yoga pants immediately after. Hang up your phone, get the fuck outta my way, and go home and actually put some clothes on. We all know you don’t practice yoga!
Thanks. I feel better now. 😃
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Hahaha… Oh the yoga pants. How I hate that… Unless your actually doing yoga, I guess. But when I used to go years back, they said to wear loose clothing! Apparently things have changed…😏
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Yeah. I’m thinking maybe ….maybe 10% of the people wearing yoga pants actually go to the gym at all, much less yoga. And….camel toes!!!! Some shit can’t be unseen, ya’ know? Yikes! And dudes who run around town in their little cycling outfits? Just as ficking bad.
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LOL… in my opinion, tight yoga pants, leggings, all that stuff… should be worn with a long-ish shirt. Or a dress. I’m scared because I’ve seen how the middle and high school girls dress… and I have a daughter… ugh.
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One of hubby ‘s granddaughters is in middle school and they can only wear leggings under a dress to public school. Makes sense to me…
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I wish! There is no such restriction here… except in my house. We’ll see how long that holds up… *sigh*
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I can imagine! I’m sure it’s especially hard to raise daughters in this day and age
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Scares the crap out of me! Why did I want a girl?? Not that I had any control over the gender of my babies… 🙂
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I’m thankful I have boys. 😃
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Ooo i noticed you changed your disclaimer at the top!! Well played!
I don’t hate people THIS much….but totally agree with all of your points..just a little less haha
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Sometimes I think this is why I have no friends… because I big part of me probably doesn’t really want any. Even though I do wish I had, like, one.
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I’ll be your non-friend friend 😉 lol easy to ignore but always kind of in the background
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Haha! I do have friends online… just none to meet for a coffee… you know?
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Yeah I feel you. I’m kind of the same. I do have IRL friends but they all live far away so sometimes it feels like I don’t.
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Oh… and the disclaimer — I think people have taken me too seriously with some of these. Like I’ve never actually been lost in IKEA, for example…
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Haha yes!! I like that its changed! Especially after the emoji post 😉😰 now I can feel free to just over load on emojis 🌸💃💖🐒🌈
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Sigh… I’m so misunderstood… 🙂
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awww 😦
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Hahaha, again! I love these rants. I can’t say all these things bother me, but some do. Sometimes.
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Well, you’re nowhere near as bitchy and hermit-like as I am. Which is definitely a good thing!! 😀
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Well, not on my blog 😉
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Ha! 😀 My bitchiness knows no bounds…
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Fantastic! People suck! Especially the chirpy, friendly ones! Bastards!
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Haha… Yeah, chirpy definitely doesn’t work for me!
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I say this phrase every fucking day.
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I find it impossible not to!
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Preach it Sista! 🙂
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😀
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Pretty much every single HR person I know says the same thing. lol
Although…I like being AROUND people, like at the mall or Target. I like making intimacy-free chatter and then going along my way.
I also like yoga pants, so there’s that. 🙂 But we can still be friends, right?
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Of course! 🙂 Especially if your HR experience can help me get a job… 😛 Too bad you don’t live here. Also, we’re in the ‘summer’s coming’ phase again where, due to kids, it makes no financial sense for me to work until September…
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I hear that loud and clear!
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