I have certain characteristics… and a very particular set of skills…
No, seriously. Specific traits and abilities come to mind when I think of myself… and I imagine when others think of me, too. (Assuming anyone other than ‘me’ ever thinks about ‘me’.) Some things have become so closely associated with me that they’ve become expectations… they’ve become who I am.
Creative. Intelligent. Funny. Talented. Sarcastic.
Coffee addict. Writer. Artist. Baker. Wearer of all things black.
These things are me. I embrace them.
And then there are these…
Negative. Sad. Lonely. Hopeless. Anxious. Cynical.
These things are also me. I think part of me embraces these, too. Which, I know, sounds totally nuts.
It’s not intentional. Not really. But they have become a part of me. And much like losing my brains or my coffee addiction, losing these feels like I’m losing me. It feels like I’m going to disappoint someone who thinks they know me.
What the hell kind of fucked up is that? Truly. If there is anyone out there who isn’t going to like me anymore because I’m no longer sad or hopeless or negative… fuck them! Right?
So why does it feel like I’m not being ‘true to myself’ if I feel good? What the hell is that?!?
I don’t understand me. I am messed up. I don’t want to be sad and hopeless.
Cynical… well, that’s different. That’s never going away.
what sandra thinks 
Exactly people should love you for who you are. And if some good changes take place in you. By good changes I mean those changes that make you truly more happy then people around you should be able to accept it! And even more so they should be able to appreciate that!
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Thank you. I need to accept it, too… that I can change.
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You don’t really realise when you change.. it just gradually happens over time
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Connecting with my post from yesterday – LOOK AT YOU! 10 good things about yourself! (I’m going to consider coffee addict and wearing of all things black something to like about yourself. Cos coffee? Awesome! Black clothes? Awesome)
I think we all need to embrace the good and the bad in ourselves. Don’t lose that part of you, because you’re right – it’s part of what makes you who you are. 🙂 And I personally like who you are! Even if some days are harder than others, you’re still you, and who else could be you? (good Lord! I’m going to stop before this turns into a Dr. Seuss book)
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I’m pretty sure no one else would want to be me. Not on a boat, not with a goat.
My thing is… sure, I’m never going to change into some bubbly, happy, all-smiles-all-the-time kind of person… BUT I feel like if I am no longer sad and hopeless, I’m not me anymore. But that would mean I have to stay sad and hopeless forever which is totally wrong!
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Hmms ok I understand. Staying sad and hopeless isnt a good thing. But maybe as you grow out of sad and hopeless you will move into something else that feels like you?
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I don’t know. It’s just this weird feeling that I need those things to be there for me to be me… And if I’m not like that all the time, people will think I’m… fake? Or something? Like, fake when better or fake when bad… like only one of them can be me. I am messed up!!
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Maybe they still will expect you to have your regular cynicism about life and things? But being sad all the time isn’t a good thing. You can grow away from being sad but keep the cynicism?
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I’m sure I’ll always be a sarcastic bitch. 😄
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And I wouldn’t want you any other way 😉 hehe!! But now I have to tuck my sarcasticness back in and go to work haha.
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I currently keep mine full-time.
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Hehe i have to put mine away for a few hours every day
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I probably should when the kids are home but I usually fail… 😃
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Hehe just preparing them for the sarcastic world we live in
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Unfortunately, they have picked up a few choice words, though. 😀
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hehe oh no!
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I think anyone who’s not cynical just isn’t paying attention. 😃
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Agreed!
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Just one more shitty side effect of adulting. 😏
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I know what you mean about embracing the negative… there’s this cruel irony that sparks creativity – we’ve talked about it before. It’s too bad you can’t turn the volume down, or shut it off when you need to. Because fro that fount springs some inspired writing and art.
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But that’s not even the issue. I’m never going to be all sunshine and roses. There will always be a certain level of darkness… and I agree — I need it for creativity.
The issue, though, is that if the depression or anxiety or hopelessness goes away, I feel like it’s not me… so I have to keep them forever. I don’t get why I think that way… because if that’s true, then why bother trying to get better? Those things are part of me. I feel like I’m actually disappointing people if I’m not my sad, hopeless self… because those things are me. And they shouldn’t be! I will always feel them but I’ll feel them AT TIMES… they shouldn’t be my identity… my trademark.
Know what I mean?
I wonder if no one understood this post. Now I question it… and updating it is pointless… no one’s going to read it again!
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Any chance there’s security in those feelings? I mean that stepping out of that comfort zone is frightening and thinking about letting it go is sort of like saying goodbye to that security blanket? I may be waaaay out of line, just making an observation with very limited knowledge. And I care.
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Oh, I came to this realization before. I’m pretty sure it was in a post once! 🙂 Feeling these things… the ‘down’ things is my comfort zone. But what happens is that I even think others won’t think I’m honestly being me if that changes. Like it’s expected. And that’s kind if messed up, right?!
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I don’t think it’s messed up. Maybe you care about how you’re perceived and accepted by others. You maybe don’t want to be perceived as being ‘fake’ or not authentic. That’s not a bad quality. People who love you will see YOU, period.
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I do think you really get me. Your other response to Meg, too. (Of course, the counterproductive part…) ☺❤
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It’s so tough via comments to get what’s being said sometimes, but I’m so glad.
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I’m conflicted about this. Here’s why: there is a certain level of ‘cool’ associated with melancholy, depression and darkness. It’s what makes so many of our artists and musicians fascinating. There’s something kind of fucked up about it that makes me angry. And I completely understand it at the same time I say that. However, the sane, sober, well adjusted version of a person doesn’t mean they aren’t still ‘them’. I cannot believe we are meant to be just ‘this’ way and not ‘that’. There has to be personal growth. And I don’t mean that in the power of positive thinking way… so don’t punch me. I am not certain any of this made sense. I am not sleeping well these days…
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I get you. I think the most fucked up thing is my feeling that people will be disappointed in me if I stop being the ‘depressed Sandra’ they know and (maybe… hah…) love.
I’m always going to be dark and such. But feeling guilty if I’m feeling better…? Man, I don’t know what that is. Afraid it’s ruining my image?
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Losing the ‘cool’ dark, image. But see I’m not sure if that’s even an issue. If you got better but kept your ‘style’ what would be the difference? You’d still be cool, just more content. I think. Anyone who prefers you depressed is a fuck wad. That’s just mean!
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I know… yet I think I may be subconsciously keeping me there… because I feel like I have to. I don’t have to be rock-bottom ALL the time to have the cool, dark, creative thing. Yet, some part of my messed up head seems to think I do. And my mind even tells me this is what others want and expect… which would be, add you said, mean!
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Right! So I’m pretty sure if could convince yourself that it isn’t true (that people WANT you that way) you would see that all your friends will still be around to read and enjoy your ‘dark’ style and sarcastic wit!
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The cynical sarcastic bitch inside me isn’t going anywhere… 😀
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I honestly don’t think it’s possible to ‘lose’ that essence. I think it just becomes and accepted part of you, within you. Not one that is subject to scrutiny, one that has forgiveness and is given compassion. And that well is still there to draw upon. Just my two cents! Lol
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I get ya. I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong with accepting the dark with the light. In fact, I think that’s the definition of well adjusted! To know that we are no perfect and that others’ expectations that we be perfect from their perspectives is horse shit. Lol. What I think begins to be counterproductive, is when we live in the dark and, whether consciously or not, think and behave in ways that keep us from feeling and enjoying the light. I included. I have done this historically for years in my life and still sometimes do. It’s a tough habit to acknowledge let alone actively change. But I do want the freedom to feel all my feelings, the whole spectrum, and not be judged for it (by myself, included). Not sure if this applies AT ALL. 💜
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Ah, perfect, Kay! I’m glad you weighed in. I’m not expressing well!
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I think you are! Sorry you’re tired. I sometimes feel like I don’t express well, or I’m being perceived and Polly Positive. Any perception changes I’ve experienced have been hard earned, and I wouldn’t ever assume that there’s some switch we can flip and suddenly change the way anyone thinks we should. Nor would I flip that switch just cuz someone wanted me too! Lol
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No definitely – its a process. Sometimes the downhill slide into the darkness is a slide too so why should the climb out be any less gradual?
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Absolutely. And I know how easy it is to feel guilt and shame for sliding….which is one of those counterproductive, cyclical feelings that keep us from climbing…
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Precisely. “I should be able to snap out of it.” And then you can’t and you feel worse.
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Yep. It’s okay not to snap! To take the time we need. We are human, after all.
Have a lovely day, Meg.
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You, too Kay!
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But I get you both. And I was up ’til 4am… so we’re probably in the same boat…
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I was up until 2:30. I actually tend to write better and think better about some things when I’m tired and raw. Lol
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Me too… plus, kids asleep so quiet!
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That too sometimes, but I mean the next day, after I’ve woken up at 5:45 with only 3 hours sleep. In that state, my brain is sometimes just in fire.
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I’m also super emotional, so there’s a trade off, lol.
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I found out an interesting reason for the 3 am wake up I have every night – according to Chinese medicine its when the lungs recharge. I have asthma. How about that? Not that it has anything to do with this conversation whatsoever…
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That’s fascinating! Seriously! I wasn’t awakened… I hadn’t been to sleep yet. And I don’t have asthma anyway. There’s no explanation for me. 😃
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You’re an enigma wrapped in a mystery… how does that go? 😂
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I don’t remember! ☺
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Haha! Interesting! I just have to pee. Lol
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Hahahahaha!
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Hey… Your ‘counterproductive’ thoughts… THAT is exactly it. I live in the dark side, so to speak… And whether consciously or subconsciously, I think I keep myself there…
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I couldn’t possibly tell you how to go about changing that, but for me, I had to slowly confront those cyclical, counterproductive thoughts, one by one by one…..still do. And sooner or later, not listening to the ones I know are helpful begins to feel all wrong, like I want to peel out of my skin because it no longer fits.
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This is the mission of my current therapy… let’s hope I get somewhere…x
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Absolutely! I am hopeful.
Have a lovely day, ladies. 💜
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Wow, love the discussion!
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Sometimes, my messed up head incites thought-provoking conversation…!
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Hahaha, the meme.
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I made it myself… Hahaha 😀
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It’s perfect.
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I love your style. Great post.
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Thank you!
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