Something has to change. I desperately want it to ‘just happen‘ but that’s bloody unlikely. I’m tired of trudging through day after day wishing, begging, and generally dying to feel better. I’m tired of telling my heart to slow down. I’m tired of taking relaxing breaths for so long that I get lightheaded… yet feeling just as anxious as before minutes later. I’m tired of everything feeling like it’s so hard…
I don’t know what I’m going to do. In my mind, my damn mathematical, analytical, logical mind, I have this invisible list of things to try. Obvious things that shouldn’t be so hard. But the fucked up part of my mind tells me none of those things will work. And it tries… and often succeeds… in convincing me those things are pointless… so I should just give up. ‘Fuck it… you suck and nothing you do ever works,’ says the bitch voice in my head. But I know (again, logical…) that’s not a given. Once I hit that… once I get to the logical, rational thoughts, I need to STOP my fucked up side from jumping back in and ‘winning‘ that battle. Because that fucked up side is on a winning streak and it needs to end.
And I almost just made a sports analogy which is so far out of character for me that it makes me wonder if my brain actually is trying to change. Or maybe I’ve just cracked.
This song may seem like a huge downer… but to me, it’s hopeful… ish. Hopeful-ish. I know… pathetic… but better than hopeless.
Good times for a change
See, the luck I’ve had
Can make a good man
Turn bad
So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time
Haven’t had a dream in a long time
See, the life I’ve had
Can make a good man bad
So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time
I feel ya’ on this one. Hang tough, man. 😊
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Thanks. I’m trying. Today has been a hard day…
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I’m sorry. Sending good vibes your way, my dear. Rant on if need be. 😊
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Oh… I feel like it’s all I do. I’m sick of myself. If *I* want a break from me, I can’t even imagine how everyone else must feel! But thank you…
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No worries. 😊
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Thanks 🙂
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I like this song. i’m sorry you had a tough day. Hugs! ❤ Have you ever tried mindfulness meditation? It takes practice but it's a proven strategy for all kinds of things.
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I haven’t tried. I’m having a motivation issue at the moment. I feel incredibly exhausted… in every way. I feel like I could sleep for a week.
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I was talking to some others last night about how the full moon affects us and one of the things is trouble sleeping. I haven’t slept well in three nights. Maybe it affects you too. Ugh. Well, I hope things get better. ❤ (I almost put a 4, that does not make a heart, lol)
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I’ve been kind of comatose while sleeping lately — I think it’s due to medical intervention… but yeah, in some way, my sleep has been weird lately…
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my sleep has been super restless and full of weird dreams.
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I keep falling asleep with the lamp on and sometimes my book resting right next to my head as if I dropped it when I fell asleep! My husband came into the room after I had fallen asleep twice this week and found me this way! WTF?
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Oh, but that sounds better than tossing and turning till 3 am!
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IMO there is never a bad Smiths song. Funny, snarky, poignant, quirky, real…they cover all emotions. Good choice. Hugs.
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I agree — never a bad Smiths song. Thanks… ♥
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Smiles.
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What if you make yourself accountable to us by doing one thing a week? to further your job search and post what you did on a particular day? Anything at all from a cover letter to a phone call, internet search, organizing your art supplies, looking over your wardrobe, whatever. Just one thing, no more… just an idea ❤
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I like this idea but I’m not sure I’m totally on board with posting the results. Maybe I need to have someone here checking on me. One of my sisters is kind of a hard-ass. I could ask her…
Thanks, Diane ♥
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Good, that sounds great!
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Hopeful-ish definitely sounds better than hopeless! Once again, your strength and ability to keep trucking and keep trying amazes me 🙂
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Thanks… most days are hard… some are really hard… but I’m trying. And I’d love a truly “good day”…!
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Maybe there’s one around the corner soon. For what it’s worth I’m hoping for that for you 🤞
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Because you’re such a great friend. ☺
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You are too 🙂 so thankful that we’re both dorky blog-keepers so we could meet!
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Haha… yes, me too. 🙂
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I just realized that the correct term probably would’ve been “bloggers” but I’ll stick with mine! Lol
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I didn’t even notice! 😄
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