struggle.

Posted on 20 December 2016 by what sandra thinks

I seem to be in a place of abundant emptiness. Yes, I do see the contradiction.

I have thoughts running around inside my head… some I’ve made notes of… some I cannot understand. And through all of this, I have written nothing. No fiction, no poetry, no deep thoughts. Nothing.

I struggle to read… I can’t keep up… I feel guilty as hell. I struggle to write… to accomplish anything. I haven’t posted and I feel that I’ve disappointed people (or just bored them to death). I hate that feeling. I am all too familiar with disappointing myself but I hate when I disappoint others.

The irony is that my messed up head has actually been letting me feel a little better lately. I would think that would help me get things done. But… not so much.

It’s weird that I feel overwhelmed and exhausted trying to keep up with what I have to do for the holidays since I can’t do most of what I’d normally do. I try to give myself time to just sit and write because I feel the need to… but I can’t do it. Something screams at me… something else I need to do.

I’m distracted anyway. I’m too distracted by other things pulling at me… so I can’t write. I’m too distracted by the thoughts and scribbles I have for writing… so I can’t deal with the other things pulling at me.

I’m not sure how to break out of this. I’m all over the place but I need to visit one place at a time. Not sure why I can’t just do that.

Maybe I’ll be able to do something useful soon. Post something worth reading. I’m trying not to give up on me. I hope you won’t give up on me either.

Trying to let these wise words guide me…

whole ass.

p_squiggle-div

©2016 what sandra thinks

About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, sometimes blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Italy, but she would settle for a non-oceanfront home in Italy. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.
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45 Responses to struggle.

  1. sonofabeach96 says:
    20 December 2016 at 9:17 am

    Not giving up, nope. Don’t you either. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. thesarahdoughty says:
    20 December 2016 at 10:08 am

    As long as you don’t give up, and don’t stress, everything will balance back out.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. Kay says:
    20 December 2016 at 10:14 am

    You will figure out what you need, just be sure to let yourself. Be patient with you, and let yourself off the hook as far as the expectations go, especially for here. We aren’t going anywhere, nor does anyone expect the same as you expect from you. Love to you, Sandra.

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. Meg Sorick says:
    20 December 2016 at 11:13 am

    Ron Swanson wisdom – I love it! Self imposed pressure can be worse than outside pressure and I think you convince yourself (not you personally ‘you’ in general) that your expectations are the same as what everyone else expects, too. And they’re not! This time of year is busy enough without adding writing, blogging, commenting pressure to the mix. Give yourself a break and enjoy the kids being home and time with family. We’ll all be here when you’re ready! xo

    Liked by 1 person

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      20 December 2016 at 11:33 am

      I know I do it to myself… And I expect way more of me than anyone else does. Well, except maybe the kids but that’s because they think I am Supermom and I can do anything… it’s not really expectation our pressure.

      Seriously, today I just finished cleaning a bit… Still have to jump in the shower (not literally… I do not jump) then I have to go to CVS, then the supermarket. Pick up one kid at the regular time… go home… go back out and pick up the other after his after school activity. Get them off their respective devices so the do whatever homework they have. Try to work on a self-designed Christmas card I should have mailed at least a week ago and get those in the mail asap. Make dinner. Clean up after dinner. Convince the kids that bedtime is, in fact, the same time as it was last night and all the nights before. Then… perhaps by 9:30-ish, I will sit on the couch with my laptop and try to read or write… but not unless that card is done and ready to mail. And if I don’t fall asleep! Oh… and John is on vacation now until after the new year (2 weeks)… So at times, he’s driving me nuts. But… maybe I can get him to pick up the kids…

      Ahh… well… I’d better get off my ass now and get going… only 3-ish hours until I have to get the first kid…

      Thanks for your support and friendship. Maybe it’s pathetic, but I need you guys. xo

      Liked by 1 person

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      • Meg Sorick says:
        20 December 2016 at 11:41 am

        Ah that’s enough on your plate! Are you going to let us have a peek at the card? Hint, hint… And boy do I get how disruptive it is to have your husband home! I love being with him, but my whole routine is thrown out the window. And then he tries to be helpful and I end up feeling bad for not having it all done already. Sheesh… Yeah, send him for the kids at least! And your friendship is a blessing to me. One of the things I am grateful for in looking back at 2016! So if you’re pathetic, so am I! xo

        Liked by 1 person

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        • what sandra thinks says:
          20 December 2016 at 11:50 am

          Yes on the card. I will post (with blurred or no photo of the kids because I’m paranoid like that). Actually, I made 2 but one I doubt I’ll use. I’ll post both, though…

          Yes… When he’s home it totally throws me off. And I bet I don’t love being with mine as much add you love being with yours. (Probably an understatement!) And I get SO frustrated that there are a ton of home projects he always says he can’t get to when he’s working… Now he’s off and he’s really not doing much of anything. Argh!! One of these days you’re going to see me on the news. For something. Well, probably not since you’re not local…

          Friends here is one of the very few things I’m thankful for in 2016. But overall, 2016 has sucked monkey balls.

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          Reply
  5. Julie Holmes, author says:
    20 December 2016 at 11:59 am

    Yep, this time of year sucks in that there’s so much going on, and time seems to fly by like a greased pig sliding down an icy ski run, so it never seems to feel like you can catch up. Sometimes when I feel like that, I take a walk where there are lots of trees. And I think of nothing but how pretty the trees are. It just seems to quiet my mind. And I swear to God I’ve literally hugged trees just to feel anchored by both the tree and Mother Earth.

    Sometimes all we need is that quiet strength of Nature to help us find our center.

    And remember, the holidaze only last a couple weeks. Grab your board and surf through the chop. We’re here for you, and a lot of us go through mental chaos, too. Okay, group hug! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

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    • what sandra thinks says:
      20 December 2016 at 2:34 pm

      Love the greased pig analogy! I accidentally took the long way when I did my errands (clearly distracted) but I think it was good. Forced me to drive around town… peaceful except for my singing to the music. Not quite as close to nature as tree-hugging, but I think it helped. I remember being a little kid and being so excited for Christmas I couldn’t sleep… those were the days! Jeez, I’m old! Thanks, as always, for your thoughts and kindness. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  6. magarisa says:
    20 December 2016 at 1:02 pm

    I’m not giving up on you, Sandra! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. Marquessa says:
    20 December 2016 at 8:40 pm

    Take a break and come back when you are ready…💕

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. VictoryInTrouble says:
    20 December 2016 at 10:35 pm

    I’m not giving up at all but I also have no expectations for you to be a super poster/commenter right now. I felt like crying all day today so I know the pressure is real. It just gets overwhelming, and you have even more on your plate. Big hugs, Sandra. I hope you give yourself a break. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • what sandra thinks says:
      20 December 2016 at 11:14 pm

      I’m trying. I’m still mad at myself for slacking off for so long on my yearly self-designed Christmas card… I’m hoping I finish tonight so I can mail them tomorrow. (I know, mailed cards… I’m old. But I LOVE designing them…) Even if they go out tomorrow, I have no idea if anyone will get them before the 25th. Oh well… surprise on the 26th, I guess. Thanks for sticking with me. ♥ I think I’m going to have some ice cream now. Then I have to finish this card thing…!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  9. gigglingfattie says:
    21 December 2016 at 9:33 am

    I think we all get to a place where we feel guilt over not being able to keep up. I find when I hit that place, I need to give myself permission to just slack. Let a few things slide, or just take a break for a little bit from an activity. It’s hard to do that. I make a list of everything I need to do and then just focus on one thing at a time. At first, I feel super agitated over not doing the others but afterwards, I feel much better. Maybe something like that might help? Maybe focusing on just getting through the holiday stuff will allow you to relax a little and then be able to write again?

    Liked by 1 person

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