I’m still struggling with this. Still, God dammit! When does it turn the corner? When does it make one damn bit of difference at all?
It was the right thing to do, wasn’t it? Trying to fix things. Getting help with what I couldn’t seem to fix on my own. But when do you know if you’ve made the right call? When do you know it’s right… or it’s wrong? When? And how?
I understand what he’s trying to accomplish. I really do. I’m not sure I believe in it… but I’ve been doing what’s asked of me. Am I just going through the motions? I want it to help… I want it to work. But is it working? It doesn’t feel like it. He pointed out a couple of small changes that he’s noticed. I will be honest – I didn’t notice them. I know everything’s not going to just magically be “fixed”. Poof! No… I don’t expect that. I’m not an idiot. But I also didn’t expect to feel… nothing.
I have managed to spend more time in my personal hell [job hunting] without having constant meltdowns. Is that progress? Or is it desperation? I’ve spoken on the phone a couple of times… but don’t get excited – I didn’t make the calls. And they went nowhere.
It’s not Sandra-hell all the time. That’s not the picture I’m trying to paint. That’s not an accurate picture. Yes, some mornings, I wake up with the heaviness of an anvil on my chest and near-instant tears before I’ve even had a chance to lift my head from my pillow. But I’ve also had some good days over the past few weeks. They tend to be the days I’m able to avoid job-search-hell… but they’re pretty good days.
Until the guilt sets in.
How dare you smile and feel a shred of happiness when you haven’t found a job yet? You don’t deserve to enjoy yourself until you’re working… earning something. And you sure as fuck don’t deserve that extra coffee you just bought.
Tomorrow I see him yet again. (As usual, it’s after midnight as I write this… so technically I see him ‘today’… in about 9 hours.) And I will be thinking of telling him… of asking him… again… should I see a change? Should something be ‘working’ yet? Is this just not going to work for me? And if not, am I out of options? Because… then what?
And for fuck’s sake, please do not tell me I have to make change happen… don’t tell me I have to work for things to get better. Just don’t. Because I am trying so fucking hard… and nothing improves. There is such a thing as luck. Plenty of people have good luck. I’ve seen it. Shit just works out for them whether they try or not. I have no clue what that’s like. Yeah, I have luck. But only the bad kind.
I’m tired of feeling broken. And lonely. And utterly inconsequential. And I’m tired of failing. And crying. When do I get a break? When do I have some good luck? When do things start to work out?
Sigh. I feel you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
Girl…I feel you. I really do. The struggle is real. But guess what? You got this…eventhough it might seem hard to believe. Yup.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks… I guess that’s part of the problem… I find it too hard to believe…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Welcome. Hang in there…. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
The only thing that immediately get better is your relationship with self. I’m right there… but know when your circumstance change, this experience will make you shine! You’ll be a walking Giant of Strength and Self Love!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I’m worried my circumstances won’t change… except possibly to get worse!
LikeLiked by 1 person
And when it gets worse, you’ll get stronger. Everyone’s survival instincts are different. But your new strength will guide you. Also, living Life is about enduring, not about having it all together.
I’m living that story and has been for 3 years after an injury, lost a lot and still don’t know the how’s and when’s! But be assured, I’m still getting stronger mentally.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel like it’s the opposite for me. I get weaker and weaker. More and more piles up on me and eventually, I’m just going to break. Like blowing up a balloon. Only so much air can go inside until it’s too much and the balloon pops.
LikeLike
I’ve popped 3 times, and almost a 4th. It’s those little tokens of love that keeps me afloat. Just stay surrounded by ppl, do not box yourself in. Continue to talk or write about it, no matter how much worse it gets.
For now, I’ll just listen. All Smiles, because I know it’ll get better with time and you’ll learn to love and value self
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for being so supportive. I think I need to hear that someone has hope because sometimes, I don’t…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think its a good sign that you feel some joy some of the time. I realize that its fleeting and ends up making you feel guilty, but on the good days you must know that nothing has really changed, yet you are happy. Because it came from within not from without. It’s how people living in abject poverty can still find happiness. Or people with serious illness. So don’t feel guilty about having good days. Your mind is giving them to you. You have to let your mind do that for you more often. And maybe the therapy is helping with that… maybe.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I don’t know. I just don’t feel different. I still blame myself for everything… I still just basically don’t like myself. I’m not even sure the occasional-good-days are coming from inside me. This is pathetic and wrong but usually when I feel better it’s because of some external factor or person. How I feel about myself hasn’t changed. Some days, it actually feels worse. I find it so hard to use the word happy because if my decent moments are what happy feels like… then happy isn’t great. The better days… are the ones where I’m distracted enough to ignore my reality. So I’ve developed better denial skills? Or I haven’t… because it eventually makes me feel awful anyway. I’m sorry. I appreciate you so much… and I know there’s nothing anyone can do for me.
LikeLiked by 2 people
It seems like the fundamental question is why you don’t like yourself? What could change that? Do you feel like you need external validation for that? Because you have a whole lot of people right here who think you’re awesome. Flawed and awesome. xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know why, but I have never liked myself. Honestly, I remember feeling some form of self-loathing as young as about 7 years old. I have no idea how to fix that. That’s what stupid therapy is supposed to be for. It’s been 2 months… Nothing seems to have changed. It does feel like I need external validation but, like, constantly. And I can’t hire someone to sit on my shoulder and make me feel better about myself 24/7. Plus if I paid someone… well then they’re just telling me what I want to hear… doesn’t mean they believe it.
I see the flawed… But the awesome? No so much.
And you are a great friend. And I wish I was a better one. xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Its like telling someone you wish they’d surprise you with flowers and the next day they bring you flowers… thanks…
But the awesome part… you are! At least I think so! And you are a great friend!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly with the flowers. I hate that. It’s why I never tell anyone that I want something… or need something. Because either nothing happens and I feel like hell… or something happens and I think it’s insincere… so I feel like hell. There has to be some other answer… and it’s probably not chocolate and ice cream. Or taking up drinking. Or taking major advantage of newly passed legislation in MA…
♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah for real!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Too bad that won’t actually be a “stop at the store and pick some up” situation until 1/1/2018. 2018, god dammit.
LikeLike
I don’t know the answers to any of those questions you posed in the last paragraph. Just keep your head up and keep at it. I don’t know what the alternative is. 😕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like I just told Meg… I know there’s nothing anyone can do for me or say to me. I don’t even know why I post this crap. The only things that might make me feel better are lies. Sometimes I actually want that. I want someone to lie to me and tell me it’s all going to be okay. But that’s so stupid because I won’t believe it anyway.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I believe things do get better, but not by osmosis. Gotta put in the effort, which you are obviously are based on job search, therapy, etc. Hard work is usually rewarded. I just know when I’m down, I hate being regurgitated on with cliche’s and motivational words. I need to stew and lick my wounds. Until I’ve had enough of that shit and actually take the bull by the horns. So, I avoided the bullshit “It’ll be alright” or “Everything will work out” speech. I believe it will, because you’re trying. But, what the fuck do I know. I’ll just say I’m sending good vibes your way, not for a miracle, but for you to have some peace and gain some confidence in yourself and your ability to punch your way outta the corner. Keep swinging. One of those punches will land.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe it’s because I don’t think I’m doing enough. And I’m probably not. But I’m doing as much as I can. Which I’m sure isn’t the same as what someone else can do. What I know is that I feel like I’ve been working so hard for so long but nothing good ever comes of it. Just more bad. It’s hard to bother anymore. Hard work is rewarded for some people, I guess, but for me… it didn’t matter what I do. My whole life is a fight. And I can’t seem to win. Not even one or two rounds here and there. It is SO hard to keep fighting when it seems so pointless.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do Not Give Up! Especially on yourself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I try not to… but I confess, some days it feels like I already have. And thank you for being such a good friend. And putting up with my crap.
LikeLiked by 1 person
No worries. That’s what friends do. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hugs for you Sandra! And lots of positive vibes!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks gf. It’s like there’s a wall around me that only let’s the bad stuff in… none of the good can get through. Don’t know how to fix that.
LikeLike
Going to see someone will help! It may get worse before it gets better (my mom is in the middle of that right now) but it will get better! Just know that you are loved and cared about! ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know… I’m just not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, I don’t even see the end of the tunnel… light or not!
LikeLike
😦 I know that must be really scary to feel that. And I know it’s a major cliche (and how much you hate cliches!) but eventually you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. But until then, you’ve got a lot of people standing in the tunnel with you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I kinda think someone threw a rock at the light and I don’t have a replacement bulb. I make my own cliches… they’re not particularly inspiring… 🙂 At least I still make jokes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol what a rude person! Lets find them and force them to listen to Justin beiber on repeat…”a clock work orange” style!
LikeLiked by 1 person
If it’s gonna be Clockwork Orange style, we’re going to have to make them watch him, too. Ick.
LikeLike
Didn’t he release a movie a few years back? (good thing my brain has been jolted down memory lane by a tiny piece of plastic or else this movie reference would be lost on me haha) WE don’t have to watch it, just whoever we decide to torture 😉 Put them into a sound proof box and walk away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Torturing others may lift my mood. There is something seriously wrong with me!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sometimes it lifts my mood too! 🙂 Maybe its normal?
LikeLiked by 1 person
It kind of is… it’s called ‘schadenfreude’… (obviously of German origin…)
LikeLiked by 1 person
German origin words are the best for things lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha…
LikeLike
They just all sound so much more serious lol even just “butterfly” sounds like a scary non-curable disease
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like… angst… and doppelganger. Okay, that last one sounds not-serious.
LikeLike
Lol “i love you” ich liebe dich lol saw a picture once saying “say i love to you to someone everyday becasue life is precious, but yell it in german because its also terrifying and a little unsettling” haha
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would have wanted to throw up if that second part of the sentence didn’t exist…!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL! Well ich liebe dich Sandra! Beacuse life is sometimes terrifying and unsettling!
LikeLiked by 1 person
God knows mine is!
LikeLike
My whole last two years have felt like that – unsettling and a bit terrifying. It will level out for you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah… But you’ve had lots of good luck lately. I haven’t had any since… um… hell, I don’t know… since I was 5?
LikeLike
Thats true, it has been good these last few weeks but the last 3 years have sucked more than i thought possible. But it all worked out in the end and I know that it will for you too!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sure that “since age 5” is a bit of an exaggeration… but I honestly cannot remember the last time anything worked out in my favor. It seems that it’s been at least since before my daughter was born. She is 9…
LikeLike
Then you are about due for some good!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, I’ve been thinking that for YEARS. Still waiting…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well I hope it happens soon for you! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks gf 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi, I think you are doing better, just being able to enumerate some changes. But I do think it’s a long road and a combination of meds and behavior modification. I think it’s difficult for the person with the issues to see the changes in themselves. I really think all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. And try to stop the bad thoughts as soon as they start with a reminder of the good things in your life — your kids, basic needs being met like food and shelter, your mom, all of us who love you, etc.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Diane. I guess maybe it’s like losing a few pounds… other people might see it but I look at myself every day so I don’t? I am just so frustrated… paying for therapy I can’t afford without seeing any changes. And of course, if this really doesn’t work… if it doesn’t help… then what? This was my last ditch effort. I try to focus on the good things when I feel especially bad. But the guilt is overwhelming. Thank you again. ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you’re moving forward and I love that you’re trying so hard. I’ve been in a similar place and I know it seems pretty hopeless now but I also know it can get better. My money is on you, dear friend xoxo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Literally, a bucket of money would be awesome! I’m kidding. Honestly, if my sense of humor ever goes, I’m really screwed! ♥xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know the answers to your questions above, but I do know why you post this stuff. Why we all post this stuff…
Sometimes writing it out is ALL we have. I get it and wish you the best!
-OM
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you… I know you’re right. I’ve got nowhere to put it, I guess, except on the page. I’m glad you understand… it’s hard for me to find that understanding offline.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it is hard for many of us to find that understanding offline and that is what drives us as bloggers. I could be wrong. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
No… I think you’re right… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. If this were happening to another person, I bet you wouldn’t be questioning why it’s taking them so long, or putting them down. You’d be reassuring them that this feeling will not last forever. You’d do something to comfort them. You deserve those same kind thoughts and words, ESPECIALLY from yourself. Hugs for you, my dear ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Amanda. ♥ I’m pretty sure I’ll never understand why it’s so hard for me to believe I deserve that sort of kindness. You’re right — I would give that to anyone else… just not me. Damn, I can’t even figure out how I have you… and other friends online when I feel like such an unlikable mess…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know you’re frustrated and just want to feel better, so you’re being hard on yourself. But I (and all the others) see the good things in you and see how hard you’re trying. You do deserve the compassion from us…and you also deserve it from yourself. You’ll get there 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wish I could give you a big hug and something covered in melted cheese (or just melted cheese?) to say thank you. Seriously… thank you…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do too. I’d give you a big hug, and then we could share a melty cheese concoction and have margaritas and talk. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Please come visit any time… I’m free… um… I’m free all the time right now… ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
There definitely needs to be an Amanda-Sandra meeting some day. Seriously. We’d wreak havoc 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have no doubt it would be the most fun I’ve had in a very VERY long time… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yassss!!! 😄😄😄
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jeez… why do you have to live down there?? I truly think it would help me so much to have a friend like you… locally, I mean. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know! WordPress makes it feel like we’re neighbors that can see each other any time. I do have a goal to visit all 50 states though, so I’ll have to visit yours at some point – if I haven’t already. Where do you live again? Lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
MA… Do you like snow? Coming soon…
LikeLike
Aw rats, I’ve already been to MA! But there’s good reason to visit again! And I’ve only been to Boston anyway. I do like snow, I haven’t been around it in years. Y’all get crazy amounts of it though!
LikeLiked by 1 person
RI? I grew up there…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nope, never been!
LikeLiked by 1 person
The states up here are conveniently small… you can visit all of New England in one day if you really want to… 🙂
LikeLike
Wow, that’s crazy to think about. It takes 8 hours just to leave Texas haha.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well… RI top to bottom takes an hour… 🙂
LikeLike
I think there shall be a girls’ weekend in RI someday then! Haha. Some go to FL, some go to Vegas – and I go to RI.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well… since I’m broke… I’m not going very far anytime soon. Lovely beaches along the south coast of RI…
LikeLike
Me neither 😕 But one can dream. Especially of beaches.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There are a lot of ‘unique to RI’ things… mostly food… it would be fun!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you’ve figured out the way to get me interested in something. Lol!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha… 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I always like reading your posts and we have some common friends and I am glad you are there for them as well:)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Sandra, I just finished reading all the comments from all these awesome bloggers that obviously love you to bits, flaws, hang ups and all (which, by the way, we all have). Now it’s your turn to try and love yourself (oh groan, now I sound like Justin Bieber). But seriously Sandra, we’re all batting for you and believe in you. Hang in there, things will change and you will get through this. Slowly but surely. Hugs xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
I want so badly to know how I can be one of those people for whom everything just works out. I’ve been looking for that answer my whole life. It’s hard (impossible) to keep from thinking I can’t find that because I don’t deserve it… or I haven’t earned it. And when I believe that, it’s hard to love myself because I’m so angry with and disappointed in myself. And, of course, I’m confused and stunned when people believe in me because I (mostly) don’t. I have so much love I want to give but I can’t seem to ‘waste it’ on myself. I don’t understand why I’m this way but I’m so grateful that you see me the way you do… and not the way I do. Thanks for being so sweet and supportive. Hugs ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sandra all you can do is your best. You don’t have to meet expectations of others — except your kids. Focus on them and yourself and just relax. Maybe search for a therapist online you could talk to –if your benefits cover that and hopefully they do. Also, maybe going with a temp agency would help you find a job? You meet with them and they find jobs for you. You can work at places for just a little while (as needed) and if you like somewhere you can stay if they want. Just trying to help. I know its hard for you and I hope you can find some relief. Hugs
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Mandi. I have a therapist. That’s who “he” was in this post. Also… I have worked through (and even at) temp agencies before. I’ve contacted a few but none of them have had anything for me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay. I’m glad you have the therapist even though, your feelings seem mixed about it. I’m not sure where else to help with jobs. I’m trying to find something legit I can do from home a few hours a week, but it’s difficult. Maybe the economy just isn’t good right now for jobs in the US as well? I’m not sure. Have a nice weekend 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have also looked for something I could do from home. It’s so hard to find anything! And that would help with the offsetting of childcare costs and everything. Although… it would be good for me to get out of the house, I think. Hope you have a nice weekend,too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You want to see something good? Good luck is what you want? How about you have over fifty comments of support here? Have you thought about that? No, it’s not a job, no it’s not a million dollars, no it didn’t answer a fucking thing for you….BUT you have your own groupies/fan club here. Can you take that in? You actually have people that care about you and how you feel. Do you get that? Because I’m one of these people. Yeah, I know, I’m a day late here but I scanned through the comments and for fuck’s sake, I wish I had this many followers that commented on my shit. Girl, you are loved. Cry happy tears, because we all care about you and I think you’re fantastic. You’re so intelligent, talented, funny, and you’re my friend. I wish I could give you a huge big ass hug right now and buy you a fruity drink and raise my glass and say “THAT’S MY GIRL!” Seriously, the comments made me smile for you. There are some good people here. Warms my heart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I must sound like such an ungrateful bitch. And my God, I don’t mean to at all. I have no idea what I would do without my friends here. I don’t think I’d make it. I appreciate everyone SO much. I am stuck in this scary-as-hell place where I have no idea what happens to me and my children when the money’s gone. And that’s coming soon… it is clouding every single tiny spec of my life. The fear and the guilt… it is fucking with me constantly. If I smile, as soon as I am consciously aware of the smile, every fear and worry and stress… it all crashes back and takes the smile away. It takes everything away.
I cried for every single comment here. I have been sobbing for two days. You… my friends here… you’re the only friends I have… the only support I have. It shocks me every day… with every like, every comment that people care.
I hope you (and everyone) know that I’m extremely thankful and I do know that I am lucky to have you. I do. I am just so scared. And so angry with myself because I can’t fix it.
You are so SO amazing. And I’ve never thought of myself as having “groupies”… but, see, you made me smile. And of course, cry. ♥ ♥ ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person
Awe Sweetie….didn’t ever think you were ungrateful. I’m so sorry my sweet friend. Wish I could make it all better for you 💗
LikeLiked by 1 person
You definitely don’t need to apologize for anything! I have no idea how I could possibly deserve a friend like you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You deserve everything in life, including me! LOL
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLike
Please hang in there.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you ♥
LikeLiked by 1 person