August is a difficult month. I dread it every year. First there’s the impending doom and then there’s the realization of said doom.
And it’s all about today… August 25th.
Dad.
Today is my father’s birthday. After many months of conflicting conditions with conflicting treatments, my dad died in 2012. It was not a surprise but that didn’t make it any easier. I’m forever grateful for my mom’s updates and her intuition because she (amazingly) told me I should come down and visit dad that one weekend… and two days later, he was gone. Somehow, she knew. And I think he knew, too. The night before he died, he didn’t want to let go of mom’s hand. She is convinced it was because he knew.
Dad and I were never close. I’m sure that’s part of the reason his death hit me so hard. We disagreed on many things… and he never understood me. But we laughed together and visited interesting places together and had some really amazing talks. He was always full of stories from his earlier life in Italy. And stories about moving to the US to finish medical school – but first, traveling all over this country. In a car. Which he also slept in. After removing the front passenger seat to create a makeshift bed. He taught himself how to speak English by watching television. He was kind of a genius. Mom says that’s where I get it.
——
The Bitch.
Today is also my eldest sister’s birthday. I always that that was pretty cool – born on Dad’s birthday. So today also makes me think of her. But the thing is… she is a colossal bitch. We shall call her B. Ever since I can remember, she’s been a bitch. She ruined Christmas for me when I was six. She always teased me about anything she could think of – just me, not my other two sisters. I don’t know how she managed to make me feel so terrible… I was smarter, more talented, and hell, more popular and prettier, too. And she has small boobs.
Yet through it all, I was nice to her… even going out of my way to do things for her – things she didn’t even ask for. Big things, little things. And she never thanked me for anything. Instead, she made me miserable.
When I was a kid, my parents would say, ‘she doesn’t mean it… she’s just teasing.’ As the years passed, though, the real reason became obvious. She was jealous. And that blows my mind since currently, my life is a disaster!
Mom and I came to realize that B’s first marriage was a hurried decision because she was afraid my then-boyfriend and I might get married before she could. And she’s the oldest… she had to be first. Months before her second wedding, I had my first child. She resents me for that. Apparently, I was supposed to put my life on hold until she did everything first. How could I be so heartless?
Almost seven years ago… she stopped speaking to me. It was a family gathering. I greeted her when I arrived but she walked away without a word. And that was it. (Oh, but when she left that day, she made a scene… blaming me for her not speaking to me.)
A day or two later, I received an email from her… the most horribly cruel email I’ve ever received in my life. It detailed everything about me she hated. And it was ridiculous. She mentioned stuff like me interrupting her in conversation, for fuck’s sake! She mentioned my “overreaction” to her announcing her pregnancy at my son’s first birthday party. (By the way, she basically took over the whole event, talking about herself for the rest of the afternoon. She is such an attention whore she stole attention from a BABY.)
She said she was tired of having to walk on eggshells around me to spare my feelings. (Pot, kettle, black.) She has never spared my feelings in her life! Hell, one of her problems with me was ‘I interrupted her’! Fucking eggshells. Suck it! She was cruel to me. No eggshells there (except the ones up her ass). In fact, me and Mom and my other sisters – we had to be careful around her!
She concluded her email with, “Don’t bother to respond because I’ve already blocked your email.” Yeah, dumbass, I can create a new email address whenever the fuck I want. But I wasn’t going to play. Fuck her. She never came to another family gathering again. Such a relief! I didn’t have to look at her bitch face. This remains the nicest thing she’s ever done for me. Yet she thought she was hurting me. Moron. She was only hurting Mom and Dad and Grandma. Bitch.
I’ve seen her twice since her self-imposed exile. My dad’s funeral and my grandma’s funeral. I tried to say hello… but the moment she saw me coming, she turned away. Honestly, a relief.
Oh… she doesn’t speak to my younger sister anymore either. No idea why. It’s got to be some petty, insignificant shit. Because she is petty.
——
Stephen.
When I was 15 years old, my cousin Stephen took his own life. On August 25th. He was 16 years old. I wrote a post about this but never published. But I will. I think it’s important. For me. And maybe for others, too. But I will leave it at this for now.
——
So… I’m not a huge fan of August. This isn’t about sympathy or anything like that. But maybe it explains why, lately, I’ve been having some writing struggles… and having meltdowns… and being such a bitch. My apologies… on all counts…
what sandra thinks 
You are dealing with so much, all I can do is offer you a hug.
You are a sweet person and obviously your heart is tender (which is a good thing).
I’ve come to realize, in life, that you can’t control assholes, but you can sure ramp up the use of air fresheners.
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Thanks… and I like the air freshener comment… very cute… And thanks for the hug, too.
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I am so sorry about your August troubles. My aunt hates December because my uncle was killed on the job. I am also sorry about your sister. She sounds like a real narcissistic tool. I always get upset when family fights or doesn’t get along because I grew up being told family first. Sometimes though it is not possible and it makes me really sad.
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Yeah… family first… and that’s always been a little hard for me because I never quite fit in. And narcissistic tool is a great description of my sister!
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Wow, that is certainly a lot to deal with, and on one single day. Huge hugs, my friend! You have not been acting like a bitch at all! Too bad you don’t drink, this day could use a bottle of wine…or whiskey. I’m sorry for your losses. Except your sister- that might be a gain. 😬 I hope you have some smiles throughout today. Hugs!! ❤️
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The single day thing is really really weird. I feel bad about all the negative shit because I should just thing good thoughts about my dad… But too much other stuff fills my head. I could probably make a drinking exception. But I’d rather make a smoking botanical one… none of that in the house, though. And yes… it is a gain with my sister. It’s not good that we don’t have a good relationship… but with the way things are, her leaving my life is definitely a gain. Thanks so much for being such a kind friend… and for the hugs! ♥
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You are most definitely welcome! ❤️❤️
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I just so appreciate it. ♥ Feeling alone sucks!
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It does. It’s probably the worst feeling. I wish we could go out, you could watch me get drunk since you don’t drink and you could laugh at all the flirting I do(cuz I’m a bit of a whore when I drink, lol) It would be a fun night! 😀
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I’m probably worse because I might flirt when sober. I have no excuse for my actions… 🙂
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LOL! I suppose we are both bad. Although, by flirting, I might have meant “kiss everyone in sight- girls and boys”. 😛 hee hee. Though it’s been a while since that’s happened… 😀
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LOL. I might get jealous on both sides… haha! You’ll have to teach me how to be less shy… or teach me how to drink more… 😀
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LOL. It’s only drinking and sex that gets me over my shyness.
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It’s not like I have a moral issue with drinking… I just tend not to do it… which of course, is easy enough to change…
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I’m always careful now but back when I was wild it was very different, lol.
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Oh, yes, of course. Going back to that time in my life… I would do it in a heartbeat!
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Wow, that’s a lot of stuff on one day. No wonder you feel the weight of it on you. Isn’t it amazing how deeply imprinted negative stuff becomes? I don’t think we remember happy events as organically… as physically. You never feel euphoria creep up on you the way gloom does. Then when it settles on you it’s harder to shake. No wonder you needed some birthday cake yesterday. 😦
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I think I need more than cake. Plus, you know, cake guilt. Probably shouldn’t add that to the mix. So… big fat iced coffee it is. But I have that most days…!
Seriously… that is so true. I remember tons of bad things but I can count the good things on one hand. Of course, there’s the strange memory phenomenon… but there’s also the lopsided amount of bad vs. good things in my life!
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Fortunately the day is half over. More than half technically. Let’s make up stories about how shitty your sister’s day is going. Like maybe she’s got hives and her toilet overflowed after somebody took a dump and she needed an emergency root canal and the IRS is going to audit her… That’s a start!
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One time, my mom told me that I shouldn’t worry so much about the gray hairs that started to multiply after I had kids because B’s hair was falling out in spots.
I just hope I can get this shit out of my head after today. You know how fabulous I am at overthinking… and getting my mind off the crap…
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Oh so she’s probably bald by now! Awesome! Forget her let’s plan our stalking… I mean vacation to Hawaii!
Also I’m working on murmurandsigh a little. I told Vic and Kay and a couple others
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Well, I don’t think she’s bald but I hope it made her depressed. Wow… I am a bitch.
I am having a little trouble writing “sexy” lately. Apparently, I need that Hawaii trip more than I even thought. Too bad about the having no money thing…
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Let’s rob a bank! I worked it all out in fiction!
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Okay. You go first!
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😂😂😂
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Sandra,
I’m sorry for everything that is hurting you today. I hope this time passes quickly and I hope you will remember that there are hearts out here that care for you a great deal.
All my love,
Eric
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Thank you, Eric. You are so sweet. There’s a reason I shared this here… because I know people here actually care. ♥♥♥
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💙💙💙
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I hope that someday, something REALLY AFUCKINGMAZING happens on August 25 so you can mourn your losses AND celebrate the good that life has to offer. Terrible and Wonderful happen every single day. I hope your wonderfuls will win. 😊
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Thanks so much. I hate to be super negative… but I really don’t see anything so great happening today. (Lately, I don’t see that happening any day!) Currently, the kids are fighting, I have a terrible headache that will probably get worse when my husband comes home from work! Because he’s a tool. 🙂
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Then let today be your down day. Allow yourself to feel sad for today. But tomorrow, I don’t care what it is, you MUST do one thing that makes you happy! Today is a bad day, just don’t let it take over tomorrow too. ❤️
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I seriously hope I do that! I don’t want to keep thinking about this shit. Just seems impossible not to today! ♥
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Believe me when I say I can completely understand. Sometimes I just give myself permission to surrender to the pain for a day and then I command myself to let it go the next day. I’ll admit that doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. I hope that if you try it, it works for you. 😊
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It’s almost over. I know how ya feel. I dread January, for multiple reasons. 😕
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You can celebrate my son’s birthday in January of you like. Maybe it will help you. Have cake on 1/19. 🙂
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Cake usually helps with most ails. The things we mourn in January though? Cake won’t take away. It’s a rough month, and combine that with the crappy dog days of winter makes it suck even more. I hate January.
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Yeah… I know. There’s only so much cake (and other vices) can do…
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January is rough for us, August for you, etc. I suppose we all have crosses to bear. It sure does suck though. Time heals all wounds my ass. 😊
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And….. one of the many reasons I hate clichés. Don’t get me started on “money can’t buy happiness”… whoever believes that needs to give me all their money.
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Hahaha! No shit!!! 😃
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Wow, that’s a lot to deal with! I’ve got a hug, too. And I thought I’d offer some distraction and possibly a laugh….did you know…August is full of many ridiculous holiday/special days??
August is National Catfish Month
August is Romance Awareness Month
August is Foot Health Month
August 1 is…National Raspberry Cream Pie Day
August 3 is…National Watermelon Day
August 4 is…Twins Day Festival
August 6 is…Wiggle Your Toes Day
August 7 is…Sea Serpent Day
August 8 is…Sneak Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night
August 10 is…Lazy Day
August 12 is…Middle Child’s Day
August 13 is…Blame Someone Else Day
August 15 is…National Relaxation Day & National Failures Day
August 18 is…Bad Poetry Day
August 25 is…Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
August 28 is…World Sauntering Day
August 30 is…National Toasted Marshmallow Day
August 31 is…National Trail Mix Day
So today is kiss a catfish day. Or eat catfish and kiss all day day. Or make up sex day after eating catfish. And buying lots of air freshener. 😜
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Well, the 25th sure is ironic (considering my sister). The 10th has been going on all month. Oh, and the 15th, too. Romance Awareness Month is in my writing… definitely not my real life! I do like deep-fried catfish. But the kissing won’t happen… nor will the sex… because as already came up in another comment, my husband is a tool. But you did make me laugh. And now I feel that I need to check what I posted on the 18th because it certainly could have been “Bad Poetry”! Thank you, Kay. ♥
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Ok we are totally celebrating world sauntering day! That’s ridiculous and awesome!
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I’m in! But my knee is a little sore, so it will look a little more like pimpin’, suburbian style.
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OMG… haha!
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So it’s catfish fryin’ day! Be right there. With nose plugs. And veggies.
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🙂
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Oh… by the way… on the 18th, I posted the banana hammock limerick… so that probably does qualify as bad poetry! 😀
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Haha! Not bad…funny!
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A few comments: keep hating August. At the least, it’s the armpit of summer. Second, I hate March bc that is the month I lost my dad (oh and we hadn’t spoken in 7 months). And lastly, thoughts on posting sister Lucifer’s email? That way we can rip it apart to support you? I’m sorry you had to deal with that.
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Oh, I have totally considered posting Bitch’s email. I’m sure there are some parts I’d have to explain some background for… and part of me doesn’t want to read it again… but I would love to know if anyone thinks I’m overreacting in any way to how cruel she was…. I’m going to think about this…
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I dont think you are over reacting. It probably stings not to be close to her, IF she was nice.
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Sending you happy thoughts and hugs for this difficult month.
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Thank you so much… so sweet of you!
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Aw man.
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Sending big hugs! Now at least August is almost over and you can move on. And your sister? Definitely her loss not spending time with you and your children. xoxo
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Thank you, Diane… you’re so sweet! xoxo ♥
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Xoxo
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Wow. Just wow…
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I know… it reads like fiction…!
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It’s certainly a compelling read.
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Creative non-fiction, you mean! It’s a goregeous thing! You might like this piece, in a similar “it reads like fiction” vein: https://thedailydriverblog.wordpress.com/2016/01/31/powerless-flight/
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I will check it out!
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The writer is a bit of a dweeb, but he’s harmless, mostly!
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I’m sorry August sucks. Sad for you, that your Dad had passed on, and now you have to deal with B. There is one in many families, I have this Aunt, and there’s a reason my family (her oldest brother’s family) has never been close to her. Quite honestly, we like her husband more and he’s been in jail. Prayers for you, getting through it 🙂
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Thanks Mandi. Hugs!
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Firstly, you’re not a bitch! Secondly, you’re better off without that so called “sister” of yours in your life. With blood ties like that who needs enemies. I’m sorry August is such a hard month for you Sandra. Here’s hoping for happier days ahead for you. Hugs to you my friend. xo
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Thanks so much. I’ve got to agree — I am better off. I’m sure if she was still in my life, she’d still be treating me horribly and upsetting me all the time. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with her anymore! xo
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She has some serious issues, but she’s definitely not your problem. You focus on YOU xo 🙂
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Yeah… she told my mom (and maybe still tells her, I have no idea) that I have problems and she hopes I get help for them someday. She’s also said that I ruined our family… Those things still bother me to this day!
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Yeah, it would be hard to hear that but you know (and most likely everyone else knows) that’s not the case and that’s what matters. Let her live in her own deluded world.
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Thanks… ♥
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Apologies not necessary. I would love to punch your sister in the Vjay-Jay. Pisses me the fuck off. What a selfish and arrogant piece of shit. She needs help. I’m sorry about your Dad and your cousin. This is a tough month for you. If we lived closer I would take you out for drinks. Hugs Sweetie!
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Aww… thanks! Especially for the punching of her. That damn email she sent me… it has bothered me for years… I “ruined our family,” she said. Among other horrible things. Ugh! It seems I would be drunk for a while as a few of you have offered drinks… 😀 Thanks again… you make me laugh and you’re so very nice to me. I may weep!
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She doesn’t deserve you as a sister. Her loss. No I’ve never met you but I’ll be your sister…. no one fucks with my people! Yep I would really make you laugh if we were out having drinks cheers darlin!
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🙂 You’re the best!
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I know right? 😂
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😀 I need a big fat dose of your confidence! And attitude!
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You’ve got swag girl….I’ve seen it in your writing. Know your worth and own it. You’re incredible! So fucking talented.
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Oh… see? I told you you’re the best! It’s sad that I need the confidence boost, but I need the confidence boost! Maybe someday I will learn and finally adopt the wise ways of Lennon. 🙂
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hey sandra..i share birthday wd your DAD..:)
btw well written..:)
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Thank you 🙂
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That’s some difficult stuff you’re dealing with. Sending you huge hugs.
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Thanks so much ♥
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Fuck off, August! Get out of here with your ridiculous mind games and bullshit!
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It’s almost over….!
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Yes, the end is near and September is a whole new month. A fresh start.
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You have NOT been acting like a bitch, and September is just around the corner! 🙂
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Oh… thank you so much. I appreciate your kindness. 🙂
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You’re very welcome, Sandra.
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