[Sorry, I’m a self-centered bitch today… and I really hope you don’t all think I’m a complete nutball. I swear, there is more to me than this. Boobs, for example.]
Why is it that no matter what I do I feel like I’ve made the wrong decision? Oh, hell, I feel like every decision I’ve made since about the age of 13 has been wrong.
So… on with the show. Sigh.
In no way was my NP “forcing” me to do anything with regard to therapy. (She is not a therapist, she evaluates the patient for “chemistry” purposes.) But therapy is something she and I have briefly discussed a few times.
And I’ve told her that I have seen a number of therapists in my life and they were all completely useless to me. I have never been helped by a therapist. In fact, most of the time, therapy makes me feel worse. But with the ups and downs lately, I felt like I was running out of options. So the topic came up again. But I never wanted to do anything with it. But I thought I “should”… I thought that was what I was “supposed to” do.
But was it? I really don’t know.
I told MB (my NP) all of this, most of which she already knew. I briefly filled her in on my biggest sources of anxiety, one of which I had barely touched on before today. [And maybe this is something I need to write about… at least to get it off my chest… which seems to be the resting place for many things.]
And again, I mentioned the more practical matters — time and money — I’m home with the kids for the summer, I’m unemployed and really don’t have the money. And I told her that over the last few weeks, my anxiety has been significantly worse because of this whole therapy thing. Actually doing it would be even worse.
And the thought of having to see multiple therapists until I find one I think might be okay? Sounds like a fucking nightmare. Like job interviews… which are truly hell… especially for a person who really hates people… and feels very uncomfortable around strangers. I don’t even know if I could do it at all (‘therapist testing’, I mean). It’s like having to fly a plane to go learn how to fly a plane. I’m going to crash.
And she said… “You know, you don’t have to see a therapist.”
And I know that. And I told her I know that. And I also told her that I ran out of ideas for those times when I feel horrible. [Other than (a very helpful) pill.] So… in desperation, I mentioned therapy again. Oh, she knew I never wanted it. It didn’t even come up during the appointment today until halfway through.
And I said it again… “I didn’t know what else to do… and today I feel fine but I have no idea how I’ll feel tomorrow… or later. Something will happen, and no matter what it is, I’ll believe it’s my fault like I always do… and I won’t be ‘fine’ anymore. And then I’ll be fine again. And then I won’t…”
And she said “Stop being so hard on yourself!” [Actually, she said that a few times…]
Maybe when September comes, I will revisit this… because I still have no idea how I’m going to conduct the job search that’s on hold until then. I kind of have a meltdown when I think about it for more than 30 seconds. But, hell, that’s how I feel about therapy, too. [But I can’t put off the job search any longer once September comes…]
So… therapy is not happening. Not now. I will see MB again in a month. I will continue to wonder what happy really feels like. And as we get closer to September, I will likely revisit this once again.
And I’m sure my decision was a mistake.
Or it wasn’t.
I have no fucking idea.
“Stop being so hard on yourself” seems wise advice. And dammit I read the word “boobs” at the top and had to read on 😛
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So my master plan is working then… 😉 I did also mention that my chest seems to be the resting place for many things… Obviously, that’s open for interpretation… 😛
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If you’re thinking of Doritos and beer, God help me I’m on the next flight
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Well, I kind of thought of my chest as a resting place for more… um… human things. Like men.
But I can arrange the other things, too…
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Now that’s service! :$
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With a smile? Well, I suppose with certain things resting there, I would have a smile. Or something.
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Am blushing here! :$
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Oh sorry. I should cover up. 😉
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Let’s not be hasty here! 🙂
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Okay… I won’t do anything drastic like that….
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:-B
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Yes you are being too hard on yourself. If you follow your gut you can’t go wrong. And you are an AMAZING writer who could make a living writing books…💖
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Wow, thank you… that is a wonderful compliment (especially from someone whose writing I think is amazing and should be on store shelves!). I think I’m not really sure if I’m following my gut… or my lack of courage/motivation…
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I’ve said it to you before Sandra and I’m gonna say it again, “stop beating yourself up”. You’re too hard on yourself. Start looking at all your positives, your creative mind, your artistic flair, your humor … try to be kind to yourself my friend. xo 🙂
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If only certain people (or person… and I don’t mean me) saw those “positives” in me… and if only I could get paid for being as great as you make me sound… xo 🙂
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You ARE great … you just have to believe it first. xo 🙂
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And you know that’s the roadblock!
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I know … and I know it’s not easily fixed. But don’t give up on yourself.
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I have a feeling this is where therapy is “supposed to” help. But I just can’t do it. I’m already anxious about whether I can do it in September… when I may have to!
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I feel for you , but I really don’t know what to tell you or how to make you feel better 😦
Miriam (way wiser than me) has some good points 🙂
Consolation prize : you do have great brains (and that is part of the problem ; sometimes I wonder if the simple and dumb don’t have it easier 😉 )
Hugs Dear
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I certainly do think too much. And analyze too much. So I probably do drive myself mad. Well, madder than I was already. That is one positive about myself that I do believe, though… my brains. 🙂 xo
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There are a lot of positives about yourself besides brains and boobs 🙂
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I’m good at math and make delicious baked goods. 😛
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And we’ve already established you’re a good mom 🙂
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Probably because of the baked goods. 😛 (And now, I really want a cake or something…)
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You deserve a cake today 🙂
Make a cake in a cup just for you (no need for a oven , just a microwave 😉 )
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Of course, last night I had not one but TWO bowls of ice cream. (Coffee ice cream, of course.) I could go for a cheesecake right now. Like, a whole one. 🙂
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Coffee Ice Cream is the best (specially if it does have those little chocolate pieces made to look like coffee beans and wrapped in real coffee ) oh no , supermarket is closed now . but I’ll have to get some tomorrow … bad bad Sandra 😉
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Oh, a couple of supermarkets near me are open until midnight. I still have 4 hours… 😛
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Lucky you …I’m way past now … it’s 1.am here
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One used to be open all night… 24 hrs a day… very dangerous!
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Good it’s closed now … for people’s tummy’s safety 🙂
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I’ve had several therapists that were terrible. One pushed EMDR on me, and ended up blending a memory of my abuse with my husband in my abuser’s place. I found one that is a lot like me and seems to understand me. It’s tough especially when we deal with the tough topics, but I think it’s actually helping this time. I still find that writing is the most beneficial to me. ❤
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Thankfully, most therapists just did nothing for me… rather than make me significantly worse. But I think they always make me over-analyze things… which I think is part of my problem in the first place. Maybe someday I’ll find someone. Until then… yes, writing helps. And friends like you. ♥
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I’m always here.
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Thanks Sarah ♥
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Ah, well… What everyone else said. All good advice. Regarding not being so hard on yourself… you are allowed to have bad days, too. Just so you remember that better ones always follow. And they do. You’ve said so yourself. You are extraordinary. You write, you’re artistic and you are funny. There’s more, of course… ❤️
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Yeah, there are good days sometimes… still not sure about that elusive happiness thing… and curing the loneliness thing. Or if I made a mistake with this…
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Oh, dear friend, I would just repeat what everyone else said (well, maybe not Al, obviously 🙂 ) but you know how much you adore those children and you will do what it takes to give them what they need. Maybe focus on that? You are wonderful and talented and funny as hell. And I know you’ll do what you need to. Sending hugs ❤
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Thanks Diane. Apparently the mention of boobs throws men off. Which is a good thing, I think.
I definitely do focus on the mini-me’s. Sure, one’s a boy, but he has my brains.
It is pretty hard to shake the thought that I’ve made a mistake… not just this one…
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Even if you did make a mistake, you have to go on somehow and move forward. Any mistake can be fixed…
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I guess… if I ever figure out if it was actually a mistake or not. Oh… and sometimes the fix is worse than the mistake… so I’ve got to live with one of those. Another decision, I suppose. (I don’t seem to be very good at those!)
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Aww, hugs! Just one step at a time for now ❤
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Well, earlier tonight, I ate a pop-tart for the first time probably since I was a teenager. I guess that was a step. ♥
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Yes, and better than a whole cheesecake 😉
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Well, it didn’t taste better… but… I see your point. 🙂 (Unfortunately, I am now dreaming of the ice cream in the freezer.)
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Nope, write something instead!
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Oh, I am. Tomorrow’s Friday… (And yeah, 11:30 is a bit late for ice cream. I guess. 😛 )
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Just keep telling yourself that!
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Thanks for sharing because it helps us realize that life is tough all over. Grace and peace to you my friend. Hang in there.
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Thanks so much for your thoughts. Much appreciated!
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Easier said than done not being ‘so hard on yourself’. Hugs. Ebb and flow, ebb and flow. Good and bad. So hard to look after yourself when you have others to look after…but you need to. I read something somewhere once that said ‘it was wonderful to make others smile but we needed to remember we are ‘others’ too’. I hope that you start to have more ‘better’ days than the others.
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Thanks so much for the thoughts. Sometimes it’s hard to feel that it’s truly worth it for me to find the time or the means to take care of me. And most of the time, I think it’s easier not to. Which sounds crazy!
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No, I totally get that, I do. Hugs.
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It’s really nice to know someone understands. Thanks again. ♥
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“…what does Sandra want?”
I’ve read quite a bit of what you’ve written here, and can’t identify what it is you’re seeking? Happiness is a state of perception, comes and goes for those not looking within. Peace of mind is satisfaction with the pursuit of the elusive happiness. Comfort falls right into place after you stop chasing life. Love is knowing your heart is being heard by someone outside of your own consciousness. Money is shames way of extorting guilt.
We either pick up a paddle, or drift with the current?
Be kind to yourself 😍
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What do I want? Love, happiness and peace. I can’t find those inside me. It seems many things, many decisions, in my life have been failures or mistakes. As you describe love… I don’t have it. And money… well, no matter how I think of it, it’s still necessary in this world. Not having enough makes everything in life harder and often impossible. I’m not comfortable with where my life is but I cannot fix it. There are parts I can never fix alone. Some parts may be fixable, but I don’t know how.
I hear all the time how I need to just do something about it (“pick up a paddle” or other such metaphors)… but it’s not that simple. If it were, I’d have done it long ago… I’m not an idiot! Everyone would be content if it were so simple. But it’s not simple. I don’t have the means, the tools, the ability inside me to “just do something”. So when I hear things like that, people might as well be telling me to just go fly a plane. I don’t know how… I don’t have the ability. It’s not that simple.
I understand where you’re coming from, but the fact that I can’t bring myself to even try therapy says something right there — it’s beyond my capabilities at this time for me to “just do something” (or anything). It’s not me sitting here being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. It’s a block somewhere inside me that immobilizes me. And when I know that it comes from inside me… some messed up part of me… it’s hard for me to be kind to myself…
I’m making myself cry… 😦 Sorry for the long response…
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My heart goes out to you…I’ve felt similar to what you are describing at times in my life too. No one can ever affect change from within without first finding the strength from a place they never knew existed in them. I’m a financial professional, thus not the person to prescribe a remedy for matters of another’s heart. I do believe with all my heart you are worthy of what you feel is missing inside, and hope you find the key to unlocking that in your life…
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Articulating your needs is never a fail. And you have permission to change your mind at any time! No pressure.
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Thank you!
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