Caught in a flood
rising around me,
sneaking above me.
But I’ve taken
all I can bear.
Please
don’t let me drown.
I cannot swallow
anything more.
If only you would
Stop
feeding me pain,
taking my love,
my kindness,
every beautiful part of
Me
and tainting it
with a darkness
I cannot bring to light.
When the very last
speck of bright shiny hope
turns dark inside me,
there is no cure.
I try to separate myself from the things that break me. The people who break me. But too often, when I finally realize I need to separate, it’s too late. The damage is done. There are some things that cannot be reversed. No, you cannot “change anything if you put your mind to it”. They’re like scars. And not the fucking cliché kind of scars that “I love because they make me who I am”. I don’t love them. They remind me of pain.
what sandra thinks 
I feel your pain here. Some things can’t be undone, nor swept under the rug to be forgotten, or forgiven. Just gotta chalk it up, say “Fuck it” or “Fuck them”, and then move along, I suppose. Easier said than done though, huh? 😕
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Oh yes… easier said than done.
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There’s one thing in particular that I’ve been grappling with for 35 years. Or more. Just when I think I’ve come to grips with it, BAM!, something will trigger it. Sucks, man. 😕
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I’ve got a few of those. Explains my frequent inability to… uh… deal.
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Oh lord, I’m a grown man, family of my own, and relatively have it together. But, one thing can trigger, and all of the sudden I’m 7 and watching my dad leave, or I’m 15 and overwhelmingly disappointed and hurt. All over again. Pisses me off that I can’t just say “Fuck it! I’m done letting this affect me!”. I lie to myself and say I’m there every now and then, but my soul knows that’s a lie. Guess we all have a burden or two to bear. Still sucks donkey dick though. 😏
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Donkey dick. Well, that made me smile anyway. I think what happens to me is that I suddenly remember one thing… but it’s never just one. As soon as one thing pops into my head, they ALL jump in. And I don’t think I’d say I “have it together”… I have maybe bits here and there that are occasionally together…
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Hahaha! Yeah, sorry about the donkey line. Ya’ know, it happens. Anyway, ya’ got me thinking. Maybe I’m just fooling myself, and I’ve not got it together at all! 😃
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Oh no! Don’t think that! If you feel like you’ve got it together, go with that!
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Haha! Ya’ know, in situations such as this, I feel denial is an entirely reasonable response. 😃
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I can relate to this so well. 💖 😢
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Don’t know if I should say thank you or I’m sorry! ♥
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Nope, it’s alright. You evoked feeling and memories. Don’t be sorry for that. That’s a good thing when you write. 💕
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Not too happy with the feeling inside me right now. This was kind of a hopeless poem… and I’ve got 2 others that are ‘worse’… kind of thought I should keep those to myself!
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It’s good to purge. If you feel that bad, try to escape into something. It’ll help. 💕
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Ice cream? I’m just kidding. I already did that. No really, just a scoop. ♥
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Believe me, a whole tub sounds good right about now. Dieting when you rely on comfort food as a coping mechanism really sucks. 😢
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I do try to just eat reasonably healthy all the time… mostly good, a few treats here and there… and I never feel like I’m on a diet. Which is good anyway because it’s easier to make it a permanent way of life. It works… mostly.
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I’m still learning how many calories are actually in the foods I eat. Like a bell pepper and a half cooked in a healthy, chunky marinara sauce with a parmesan cheese/cauliflower filling (it tastes like ricotta cheese) is over 1000 calories. The thing is a vegetarian meal. I’d think it would be much less, but no. Once I start to grasp calories, I won’t need to track so much. But if that is so high in calories, the foods I would normally go for are crazy high. It’s frustrating.
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It really is kind of a nightmare to know all of this. I was just telling my daughter that at a restaurant, people think a salad is the best choice, but many salads can be worse than just having a cheeseburger once you figure in the dressing and whatever else might be in there!
I mostly just try to stick to the basics as much as possible. Lean protein, high fiber bread/grains, plenty of veggies and fruit, healthy oils, occasional treats so I don’t feel restricted or deprived. And coffee. That actually helps me. My husband is evil and brings junk into the house all the time… and it tempts me, but even more so, my kids. I want them to grow up with healthy habits! I didn’t. I had to teach myself later — much harder!
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Yeah that’s part of my issues is teaching myself these new habits and trying to get my son to make good choices. It’s not working all that well so far because the grandparents spoil him. 😆
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I have the same problem with my kids’ grandparents!
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I get why they do it, but it is annoying sometimes lol
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It is! My kids were at my father-in-law’s after school today and I had to ask what they ate while there… some visits are worse than others!
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Yes, indeed.
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I’m with you about the scars stuff. The only thing I will say is that with scars t least you survived. a little damaged but still going. Would I willingly give up any scars i have and undo the damage? Hell, yes. Do overs are most welcome. ❤
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Every time the subject of time travel comes up… I’m always all about going back and ‘fixing’ things. I would like a giant do-over. Oh… and yeah, the survival thing is true… (unlike the f-ing cliché!! 😐 )
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Exactly.
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Right here with you, Sandra. 💔 much love to you.
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Oh.. thank you, love. ♥
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Xx
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Goodnight, Sandra
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You’re so sweet… goodnight, Eric.
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Big hugs, I think we can all relate to this. It’s probably half the reason a lot of us write. We feel things deeply and the effect is lasting.
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Thank you. Yes… sometimes I truly wish I could just remove my brain and have a break for a little while. And possibly exchange it for a new and improved one.
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I want to remove my heart- that blasted organ always makes me sorry. (though, of course my feelings are in my brain, but…you know) 🙂
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Yeah… I know. Same idea… remove heart, brain… maybe a few other things. This could get complicated…
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Powerful, haunting, beautiful, sad … you have a way of making what we all feel sound inspiring. Big hugs to you Sandra. xo
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Thanks Miriam
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Hope you find a way to breath Sandra. Hope you don’t drown, and find that light that takes you to the top of the water where you can swim to shore and hope. Scars always hurt, at least the ones I’ve had do. People think they’re good and sometimes they are, it means you healed when it could have been worse. But they nag at you, and remind you and as you say “Still hurt you.” I guess try to see past the pain, and see how your scars have healed from jagged wounds, to what they are now. Best of luck my friend.
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Thank you sweetie. 🙂
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Dark, powerful write.
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Thank you.
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