the story of my love life:
Part 1 – Fame | Part 2 – Sandra Goes Wild | Part 3 – Sandra Grows Up… and Down | Part 4 – Uncomfortably Numb | Part 5 – What Is Love?
We’re kind of past the ‘how I met’ part of the story… so consider this and all future parts the ‘disappointing series finale.’ [à la himym]
Part 6 – The Love of Romance
Part history, part philosophy, all me.
Is love a miraculous thing that happens to us? Does the simple, effortless meet-and-fall-in-love-because-it-was-written-in-the-stars thing really happen [whether it takes hours, days, months, or even years]?
Or… do we meet the person with whom we want to fall in love so we spend time with him making it happen, whether consciously or subconsciously. And if it works – if we fit, if we feel selflessly connected and can’t imagine being apart – we fall in love. And if it doesn’t work, we don’t fall in love and we go our separate ways. [And my hopeless quest continues.]
With Glen and with David, I think we unknowingly made love happen. A connection was definitely already there [maybe that’s the written-in-the-stars part?], but it took time to fall in love. And we had that time. And nothing was forced. We let everything develop naturally because we didn’t even realize what was happening at the time. And it was beautiful.
For months, Glen and I were friends. [In fact, I had a huge crush on one of his best friends… and only a small one on him.] We never went out alone, until this one dance. But when he invited me to that dance, it was kind of magical. Everything started to change.
David and I met at the campus coffee house where I worked a few nights a week. [Yeah, me – at a coffee house… go figure.] He wasn’t much of a coffee-drinker, but he was always at that coffee house when I was there. We loved being together. We even started an alternative humor newspaper together. And one night in my dorm room while we were sketching out some comic strips, everything changed.
[Aside: I wonder how Glen and David would feel knowing how much blogspace I’ve given them…]
But with John… totally different. And I blame myself for that. Bitter and hopeless, and let’s not forget horny as fuck, I think I went all ‘girls-gone-wild’ too soon. I wonder if more time in the friend zone before jumping into the friends-who-have-sex zone would have made things turn out differently. Because we barely built on our initial connection before things turned physical. And I initiated, not him. It’s all on me.
We did connect, though. We fit… kind of. But I think some of it was wishful thinking because I was scared to be alone. And had we spent more time getting to know each other on the friend level, I would have had time to notice the things that were never going to be quite right.
Maybe I would have come to realize that he wasn’t everything I wanted and I shouldn’t settle for less than everything. I’m not saying I’m better than he is. He was some of what I wanted. Still is. He’s generous [often too generous for his means] and kind and smart and mostly responsible. He can fix almost anything mechanical or electrical or structural. He usually tries to make everyone around him happy [unless he’s in a crappy mood], but sometimes we have to tell him how to make us happy and that makes it feel forced and meaningless. He can be funny and he gets my often dark sense of humor. And he’s a good dad. But something is missing. And it always has been. I just got really really good at ignoring that.
Nowhere in my description of John up there did I use words like sweet or romantic or affectionate or understanding or even supportive. Oh, he has his moments of affection and understanding. But these just aren’t words that rush through my mind when describing him.
I’ve read countless blog posts from female authors extolling the amazing qualities their husbands or boyfriends possess – sweet, romantic, loving, attentive, gorgeous… the list goes on [sometimes on and on and on… and on]. Are these husbands and boyfriends truly this amazing?
I guess it’s possible or… maybe it’s facebookitis.
facebookitis /,fās boo k ‘īdəs/ noun
1. An affliction characterized by persistent declarations, whether true or not, of one’s perfect relationship, partner, or any other aspect of life while hiding anything imperfect so as to show all of one’s ‘friends,’ on facebook and elsewhere, how flawless one’s life is.
Honestly, I find it difficult to believe that all of these highly praised men as perfect as their descriptions imply. If there are so many men like this out there, why don’t we all have one?
Maybe reading this, you think I’m just jealous of these women with their apparently ‘perfect’ men. And I have no problem admitting… Damn right I’m jealous! I want that. I’ve always wanted it. And they supposedly have it. Of course I’m jealous! Hell, sometimes it feels like everyone on earth has the perfect relationship… except me. And I know that’s not true. If it is, please don’t tell me.
Oh, and the men. I’ve read posts from men wherein their adoration for their partners is clear. Even adoration for the partners they’ve yet to meet. And it’s beautiful and sweet and romantic and it’s something I’ll never read or hear from my own partner. These guys don’t even have to write something outwardly affectionate – I can just tell by the way by they communicate, no matter the topic. I have romance-radar.
Romance.
I am the most romantic person on earth. John is… not. He never was. He never will be. And it breaks my heart because that has always been number one on my intangible list of what I want from love. And it’s one thing I don’t have and never will. I broke my own heart.
I don’t want cheesy, forced, phony romance that makes me want to vomit like every jewelry store commercial. I want… sweet, tender, affectionate, passionate, sentimental love… and not with gifts or even just words [but yes, words too… I’m a huge fan of words…], but with actions. [Many actions. Of all kinds.]
John used to do sweet things for me. But not the typical storybook gestures. No. I remember him coming over to my apartment to get rid of a dead mouse my cat left behind in the middle of the kitchen. Very sweet. [And very appreciated. I am not fond of dead rodents. Or live ones.] Sweet. But not conventionally ‘romantic’.
I sometimes think that if I’d truly given the mostly-missing romance the consideration it deserved, I may have let John go. Or maybe I wouldn’t have. I’ll never know. I think I wanted to fall in love so badly that I subconsciously convinced myself it was happening.
I was afraid. Scared to death that John might be my last chance at love… my last chance at a long-term relationship. I thought throwing him away would be the stupidest decision on earth. He was a good guy. He wasn’t the fantasy… but I never believed that man existed. Even if he did, I’d never find him. And I didn’t deserve him. And he’d never want me anyway.
I blinded myself. I slipped into denial about our middling level of chemistry. I don’t know how. I didn’t even know I was doing it. But after all the failed attempts at finding love, I thought it was a miracle anyone wanted me at all. Tired, bitter, used-up me.
No matter how loud the screams were in my heart and in my fucked up head, I pushed my romantic dreams aside. I locked away pieces of myself in some hidden part of my brain… of my heart. But they’re not gone. They will never be gone. And now, all these years later, I just cannot keep those parts of me hidden anymore.
There’s a reason I’m a [sadly, unpublished] writer and a reason for what I write. I write what is missing from my life. Which, unfortunately, is romance – psychological and physical. [Unfortunate that it’s missing… not that I write it…] I write about the kind of love I always dreamt of… but do not have.
Maybe I was stupid not to wait for that dream to find me… or for me to find it. But that dream is a ridiculous fantasy. It’s a Disney movie. It’s not real life.
Right?
God, please don’t tell me. It may break me to know.
Part 7: Let’s Go to Bed
[part 7 will likely be the final post in this series…]
Coming soon.
Update – now posted:
Part 7 – Let’s Go to Bed (the final chapter)
what sandra thinks 
Welllllllllllllll, I totally get this post. I think I may have done the same thing with “their father”. Scared I’d be left “on the shelf” – fabricated being “in love” because, for the most part, he was quite sweet, and not bad in the sack (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
If I had paid attention to the early warning signs, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am now. Separated, studying, on the benefit, and living with my parents (and my kids).
But, if I had taken notice, I wouldn’t have had all my babies, and they are the true loves of my life.
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Exactly. I feel the same about my kids.
And I still can’t say for sure whether what I felt was real or not… I honestly don’t know how anyone ever knows… Maybe what someone else thinks is real wouldn’t feel real to me, you know?
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I have no idea… What I do know, is that the way I felt about my husband before we got married, was nowhere near as intense as I have felt about a couple of boyfriends I’d had before him. But that fear… The lies and abuse I had endured before then made me believe no one else would or could love me, so I had to snap him up.
*sigh* He IS a great guy. Most of the time. Other times, he is emotionally abusive and refuses to acknowledge it.
And now I think there is no one in the world who will ever be “everything” I want in a partner. And therefore, I shall remain single… And happy 🙂
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I do think I had more intense feelings for others before John. But I was also younger and more idealistic and more… I’m not sure… more apt to go all starry-eyed over anyone than I was by the time I met John.
I’m pretty sure I would have a lot of trouble being happy alone. It might be impossible.
I’m also pretty sure there will never be anyone who would be “everything” I want… and I love John so I truly don’t see myself ever not being with him. I just wish I could inject some romance into the relationship. Or I wish he could…
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I hear ya. If a bit of romance is all your relationship needs, it’s going to be up to you to inject it 😉 He probably just has no idea how to romance you. He probably wants to! You may need to teach him 😊
Thinking of you xoxoxox
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The word ‘inject’ is all over this place. Haha! I am going to keep trying… maybe one day it’ll work… 🙂
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I was gonna add, “And then maybe he can inject you”, but thought that might be too much 😂😂😂😂
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Oh, there’s no ‘too much’ here… not with me anyway. 😀 😀
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Something I ask myself a lot….how was I so blind? But then again I think if I wasn’t my son – the true love and meaning of my life – wouldn’t be with me. So I learned to accept it and move on. And now I enjoy being a single mom, proud of my achievements, had it not been for my son – the driving force behind me – I would probably have withered away!
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I do feel like I blinded myself on the “romance” thing… but not blind in general, about all of John. He is a great guy… I just really miss the romance… the sweetness… And I often think that even if I had a guy who was like that when I married him, would he still be like that today? Maybe not… so what I do have is not ‘bad’ … it’s just not ‘perfect’ and I don’t know that my perfect man is even out there….
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I guess I understand. I don’t know if it helps, but why don’t you try to do something romantic for him instead, maybe he will reciprocate maybe no. But at the very least you can relax thinking you did try! 🙂
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I do try to do that… it’s not always easy with 2 young kids around… we don’t get a lot of time alone… usually after the kids are in bed at night. And there’s that whole pesky being exhausted issue! But I will keep trying because why not…?
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Beautiful thought. Even the worst moments of our lives can bring the greatest joy, as the example you provided with your son. I loved reading this commnet. The darkest periods of my life, had their own silver linings.
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Wow !
And yes , if …….. , now I wouldn’t have my three wonderful kids , and if it weren’t for them …I seriously doubt I would still be here today !
Turtle Hugs 🙂
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Sometimes I really do think that… if not for the kids, I’d be gone. But if I’m truly honest with myself, I don’t know if that’s true. Like I said, John is a good guy. There are many wonderful things about him. He’s just not the fantasy… which maybe is completely childish and unrealistic anyway… and as far as feeling like anyone before John was closer to being the ‘right’ guy for me… I cannot know because I was younger… lots younger… and less mature. My mind didn’t necessarily think like an adult (except in the obvious naughty ways.. haha).
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What you said about what people write about their relationships: how they seem all perfect and ridiculously romantic, etc. I think there’s probably an equal amount (if not more) heartbreak in some of the posts I’ve read. Some of the writers are finding love for the second time, having known the depths of betrayal or the doldrums of apathy that can arise in a long term relationship. Still others write from a “wishful thinking” perspective. Don’t compare yourselves to that! I also think it’s not too late to be friends. But I will wait to hear the rest of the story before I say anything more! Big hug!
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I think what happens to me is that the posts that make boyfriends/husbands sound like they are prince charming stand out for me because I couldn’t describe John that way. And while there are also tons at the other end, like you said, those kind of ‘blend in’ more for me because those read far more like ‘real life.’ Know what I mean?
I know I shouldn’t compare… It’s something I do all the time and I really need to stop — in fact, I wrote an entire blog post about it… but never posted it. I should revisit.
I do think John and I are friends… I’m just a little frustrated (in several ways, as you will read in the next, probably last, installment…). And I do believe it’s my own fault — it’s not like his romantic nature disappeared… it was never there. And I married him. And I love him. So… I can’t blame anyone but myself. And like I said, I can’t imagine my life without him…
And thanks for reading and for the hug!
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Interesting post. First, I think much of it is Facebookitis. Second, no marriage or relationship is perfect. And if the couple allows the flame/spark to dull it is difficult to get it back. You have inspired me to write a post about all of my faults. I receive many compliments for all my thinking about women. but I’m not perfect. We will talk more about this.
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I know it isn’t all real. And I made up a word. I should get that to Merriam-Webster right away. 🙂 I know it’s never perfect… I think I just wish what was ‘imperfect’ wasn’t this particular thing… or the other particular thing that will be detailed [possibly graphically] in the next installment.
I have made a few ‘suggestions’ that I’m hoping will light a fire… and I’m going to keep doing that… because I need to. Also, perhaps a trip to the Macy’s dressing room is in order. 😉
You’re not perfect??!?! Cut it out! 😀 Ha! Oh, none of us are… although I’m close. 😛 God, I’m hilarious!
Thanks for reading my ‘saga’ and thanks for injecting your positivity into it. It’s your gift. (One of many, of course…) Or your curse.
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It’s both. LOL Maybe I should write a gift/curse poem.
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I think mine is screaming for a companion piece. [My curse poem, you perv. Okay, fine… whatever else you just imagined… yeah, that, too.]
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LOL
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facebookitis is a real thing. I can’t stand it – so many people use facebook to recreate a fictional account of their lives. I think that your relationship is similar to mine (big shock, right?) in that we had seen things that really weren’t there, so we can’t be upset that they’re still not there. Yet, it leaves a hole and a yearning to fill that hole. Thank you for such a sincere and honest post. It was so un-facebookish. Is that a word?
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This is why I hate facebook so much. I remember when I first joined – years ago – and I connected with a bunch of people I went to high school and college with… I felt like SHIT. I thought, God, everybody’s life is SO much better than mine! They have a better relationship, live in a bigger house, have a better career, constantly go on beautiful vacations… so clearly they are rich beyond my imagination. And, well, you get the picture.
If I could make up facebookitis, you can certainly use un-facebookish.
And I’m sorry in advance, but I absolutely have to say this… I cannot help myself….
I have a hole and I’m yearning for it to be filled. And that is probably the raunchiest thing I’ve ever posted.
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lol! Touche! Sorry, I was thinking about cozy pockets when I wrote that. 😉 I know people who’ve re-fi’d into oblivion for the sake of going on posh vacations. Now, their homes, no matter how beautiful, have a crushing mortgage associated with them. How glamorous is that?
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Oh my God… hahaha! People do some pretty dumb things… but they only tell you about the vacation… not the ridiculous mortgage. Damn, I’d just like to take my kids to Disneyworld… before they’re too old to care. Then again, I’d still like to go again and I’m um… older than my kids. 🙂
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Hey… if you see this response, get in touch — okay? I tried to send you a message and it failed… hope you’re okay, my friend!
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Hahahaha! Yes, I have one too, yearning to be filled 😂😂😂😂
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I’m wary of “intensity” in a relationship. I learned the hard way that drama and love/romance are very, very different things. Passion is often drama in disguise. Good love is way more secure and stable.
As for wanting more romance…I could insert a recommendation for that whole 5 Love Languages dealio, but you’ve probably read that already.
It’s kind of difficult for any ONE person to meet ALL of our needs, ya know? Sort of silly to imagine it could be.
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I don’t think it’s likely that people find a person who matches ALL their wishes. That person would probably need to be created in a lab. What I question is whether I gave up the right or wrong things from my wish list, so to speak.
Sure, we all have our fantasies and ideas of the perfect mate… but we all also know that’s what it is….fantasy. Might not have known that at age 13 but pretty sure everyone knows now.
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I think there’s always a tradeoff. I look at my current situation and wonder what I should have scrutinized more closely….
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Yeah…I’m sure everyone does, at least somewhat…
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Adulting is very much unfun. 🙂
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