I really do try to space out my ‘sad‘ posts. I don’t want to scare everyone away. Because, you know, I’m pretty f-ing scary. Boo. So, my advance apologies. Here’s a photo I took to lessen the sting of my patheticness (not an actual word).
Okay, back to the ‘story‘…
I guess I really am going to be like this forever.
Today was that next monthly appointment I mentioned (basket case). I practiced what I was going to say… or try to say… at least a hundred times. And when she asked me, ‘how are you doing?’ I said…
‘I don’t know.’
I guess it’s better than pretending to be okay. Better than saying all right or fine. [But just so you know, fine doesn’t mean fine. The scale goes: great, good, okay, not okay, I hate you, fine. (credit: Max Black)]
I told her I’ve been having those crazy-sad weepy ‘episodes’… usually at night… alone. I told her I wipe away tears and act like everything is fine when I hear someone approaching. It’s like the hurry-up-and-hide-your-Amazon-shopping-cart when the boss comes over thing. I told her I do what I have to do – appointments, pick up kids… – but that’s it. Other than those necessary tasks, I never leave the house.
[Of course, going out usually involves spending money I don’t have, so it’s good in that way. But it’s really about not wanting to be around anyone… wanting to hide with my issues, wishing them away, even knowing that’s impossible. But I swear, I’m not a stupid person! I’m really smart. I always have been. Straight-A student and all of that. One of the ‘nerds.’ And I know that pretty much everything I’m doing is wrong. But that’s where ‘smart’ ends. I can’t fix this. No fucking perfect report card is going to fix this.]
I also told her I feel hopeless about the unemployment/job/financial situation. I told her the only time I can feel better is when I’m not thinking about it. But if I don’t think about it, it only gets worse and grows bigger and bigger. And eventually, not too far from now, it’s going to be monstrous and I’ll never be able to ignore it again. Yet I still won’t be able to deal with it either.
She asked me about the girl I was talking to – the recruiter who could maybe place me in a job, even a temporary one until something better becomes available. The truth is, I have followed up with her a few times (which is huge for me), but she has yet to find anything for me. Last week, I thought it might be about time for me to contact her again, but it was Thanksgiving, and that was enough of an excuse for me to skip it. Now we’re in the midst of the Christmas season. So there’s no point contacting her until January. Which may or may not be valid. But I stick to that because it means I can avoid the whole awful situation for a few more weeks with less guilt than I’ve been feeling lately.
But somewhere in the crevices of my fucked up brain, I know it’s not valid. I just can’t bear any of it right now. I think it’s called denial. Or stupidity.
And all of this is to say… nothing changed.
I’m on the same meds. Nothing new, nothing different. Part of the problem is that I have been on other meds and they’ve either given me such horrible side effects I had to stop or they’ve done nothing at all. And there was no discussion of therapy.
It’s my fault. I didn’t say anything about never really feeling ‘happy.’ I didn’t say anything about my ridiculous lack of motivation to do much of anything… except write. I probably didn’t explain well enough for her to really get how awful I’ve been feeling on too many nights lately. But it’s not always.
Today, I am actually doing okay. But I did leave that appointment feeling like I am never going to get better. It seems like there is nothing else that can be done for me. And unless I get that thought out of my head, feeling ‘okay’ is going to vanish and it may never come back.
Even on a decent day, I’m worrying about the bad days… past and future.
Exhausting.
Too bad I can’t afford a vacation. Or even a massage.
what sandra thinks 
Fantastic sunset photograph!
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Thank you. My whole family was in the car and I made my husband pull over because it looked so amazing!
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I, too, was directed here by your good friend stephellaneous. Your situation, particularly combined with stephellaneous’s caring response, has triggered ALOT of thoughts in me, which I plan to share in my next post… but for now, I just wanted to share 3 ‘brief’ thoughts.
Regarding cost of therapy – maybe need to think of it as a professional investment in your career. If it helps you get stronger emotionally, it will pay you back many times over through your better work prospects. Based on your writing skills shown here, I think this would be a great ‘investment’.
Since Thanksgiving, I have become a bigger believer in Gratitude: try writing 2-3 things you are thankful for, Everyday. This is not a replacement for medication/therapy etc, but everything helps, hey?!
Finally, you end your post with a dream about a massage – why not ask your husband? Apologies if this isn’t appropriate for any number of reasons, but as a husband of a depression sufferer, I would think this is reasonable and helpful on so many different levels. If he resists, send him to my blog – I will sort him out! LOL
Hubby
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I think I would put myself in debt if necessary for therapy if I knew it would help. But my past experience doesn’t give me much hope… unless I miraculously find the perfect therapist/counselor/whatever…which seems bloody unlikely. Honestly, trying to find the right person seems worse than doing nothing.
The thing about my writing and making an investment in my career… That sounds great except I’ve never had a writing job. It’s not my educational nor professional background. It’s just what I wish I could get a job doing. But no one hires some middle-ish-aged woman to do a job she’s never done before. And God knows I do not want a job anything like what I was doing before the layoff. I was miserable. It’s too bad potential employers just look at your history… not your actual skills and talents.
I’ve heard and tried the “write things your thankful for” idea before. I struggled. A lot. It totally stressed me out that I couldn’t do it!
Oh my husband…I do think it’s time I write that post about him that I’ve been holding back. In the beginning of our relationship, he’d give me backrubs… it was so nice. And it was 17 years ago. When I ask him now… you’d think I asked him to go run a marathon for me. “It’s so much work… I’m too tired… My shoulder/arm/neck/hands hurt” (pick one). I don’t think he understands what I’m trying to deal with very well. I agree with you… it’s a reasonable request that I’m sure would help. But I’m 99.99% certain it won’t happen. Jesus, the way I am lately, it’s highly likely it would lead to sex, but even that won’t make him do it… (save for that 0.01% chance). Not sure if you could sort him out or not! He’s stubborn…
Thank you so much for visiting and taking the time to write this to me. It means a lot that strangers have gone out of their way to “talk” to me!
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Sandra, you did awesome. You were afraid you’d say what you always say: “I’m good,” or “I’m fine.” You didn’t…you said you don’t know. Because you don’t – you don’t quite know what’s wrong or why you’re feeling the way you do. It was her responsibility to dig deeper, and I’m so sorry that didn’t happen.
Please don’t give up you your mental health. You deserve to feel better. You deserve help, even if it’s a pain in the ass to get it sometimes. You deserve it, and you’re worth it.
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Thank you for being so nice to me. ♥
I think maybe I didn’t get very far because she doesn’t do the therapy thing and we have a whole 15 minutes to talk. And that’s fine — that’s what I signed up for… therapy has always been useless for me. Maybe I never had the right therapist, but finding that will be harder than finding a husband was. (And I never thought I’d have one of those!)
I guess I’m not sure what else I can do now. My next appointment is not until the first week of January… and I can tell her I’m still not okay then, but I’m not sure it’ll make any difference.
I kind of wish I did have some mind-numbing medication — because I need a break from all of this.
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Can you see a doctor, anyone else at all? I know money is an issue, and I’m probably sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. But I’m worried about you, and I hate to think of you suffering through it without any help at all.
Please know you kicked ass today – you took a huge step telling her you’re not okay.
❤
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Don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right. As all right as I can be… or I’ll pretend.
And you can stick your nose wherever you want! (That sounds gross… sorry!)
I have wondered about trying to find a doctor or, God help me, a therapist. Money is a huge concern… and also, I have no idea where to even start to look for a doc or a therapist. It took me 4 months to start seeing the nurse I see now. I could not make the call.
And thank you for your encouragement and support. I know people in my life love me, but they aren’t really able to support me… they really don’t understand.
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Hahaha! Woman, we have so much in common. I’m not laughing AT you…it was your “don’t worry about me” that struck a chord, because that’s one of my mantras. Seriously. “Don’t worry about me.” But dude, I’m so gonna worry about you. Because I care about ya, okay?
I’m the same way about making calls, too. It’s something I’ve put off for YEARS. Seriously. I’ve never had my mental health looked after, so this week marks the first time I’ll actively do something about it. But it took someone telling me that my insurance company would make most of the calls for me if I at least called them. So that’s something if you DO have it…
If you don’t? Well…I’d be happy to help you find someone if I knew where to look. It’s different doing it for someone else…and I get you. I do.
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I know you’re not laughing at me!
I do have insurance. (Though even he co-pays can be a killer… especially for specialists.) But… I am not aware of any way they would make any calls for me! I think I’m kind of on my own with that!
And the calls… Jesus, I can’t even order a pizza. J has to do it!
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Uhuh, I order pizza online. No fucking way am I calling a pizza joint.
I’m gonna tell you what I did. And I’m not saying you gotta…but this is where I was when I finally called just before Thanksgiving. I called my insurance company, and I told them I was feeling suicidal and needed help. They asked me what sort of help I needed, medication or talk therapy. I confess I broke down on the phone….I was so embarrassed. I told them I didn’t know WHAT I needed, but that I was scared. So they gave me an emergency number to call if I needed it. Then they made calls until they found someone who could see me soon(ish). I had to be the one to make the appointment, but I didn’t have to go through the phone book calling people one at a time or making some scary choice about who to even see.
I don’t know if your insurance company is like that. I know they’re all different. You don’t have to reply…I’m just…putting that out there for you…
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I appreciate the info! I’m not sure what my insurance company would do, if anything. Even though I’m not sure if I need to see someone different or someone additional, I am comfortable with the nurse I’m seeing. God, it horrifies me thinking of starting over with someone else… or trying to find someone for therapy. I’ve never had success with any therapist and I cannot even fathom having to go through bunches of them until one “fits.” I think that search… going through all of that… is even worse than what I feel now…
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Oh my goodness, what an amazing achievement in not just saying ‘fine’. That’s one hell of an achievement.
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Thank you so much for saying this!
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I really feel for you Sandra. I know all about anxiety (I have been out twice socially this year), although I do work, so it’s perhaps not quite the same. I also have suffered with depression, its difficult but you will get through it. I know it doesn’t feel like it some days but keep on talking and writing about it – it really does help. If you need to write down what you want to say at your sessions and take it with you. Communication is key. X
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Even though I know the unemployment thing brought this to the forefront, it was always there. It was just easier to hide it and ignore it when I was still working. (And I hated that job.)
I have brought things I’ve written with me to quite a few appointments, but I suck and I never pull them out and read them to her or give them to her. I always freak out and back out… and when I get home, I take the paper out of my bag and throw it away, thoroughly disappointed (and a bit disgusted) with myself.
I just am at this place where I feel like if professionals can’t help me, it’s done. This is just… it for me. And most days, it kind of sucks.
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I know you can’t believe it just yet, but often when you get so down on yourself it means your starting to break through. It’s just part of the process – you need to keep pushing through it. Keep writing it down and taking it with you – it will help whether you show them or not, and one day you may have the courage to hand it over. (Hugs) X
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“often when you get so down on yourself it means your starting to break through”
I really hope this is true…
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P.S. I don’t accept your apology for being down in the dumps and not being light and fun. It’s only been a few days since everyone came to my rescue and told me the same thing. So I’m saying it to you now…we’re here for YOU. And Sandra is multifaceted. We know that means you’ll have up days and down days. This is your life you’re sharing with us. Don’t apologize for being you and for needing us to understand. ❤
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If you are interested in moving, please come live near me. I think that might help me a lot! Of course, it’s stupid expensive around here… and winter can be harsh… and God dammit, I have to make dinner now. I suppose it’s a positive thing that I am even able to get up and do that. Although, I should have started about an hour ago… ♥
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Where is near you? Hahaha! After the day I’ve just had at work, I’ve officially decided to start a job search in earnest. So there’s that.
And I get it, woman. I wish I could send you some dough for takeout tonight! It’s totally a positive that you can get up and do it, so I’ll let you go do it. 🙂 ❤
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I live in the Boston Metro area. And I made some new thing J wanted me to try. It actually turned out really well… J really loved it. So that’s good, right?
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Dude, that’s awesome! And Boston! 🎉
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S – please check your email again… You did not have to do what you did!! And for some reason, fucking WP will not let me comment on your blog. WTF??
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My goddamn comments might be going to goddamn spam again… Pls check for me?? xo
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I do feeL for you. I get a shocking sense of familiarity reading your posts although I have never read anything that articulates the sense of claustrophobic despair that accompanies anxiety/depression as well as you do. I sense that you are much younger than I am. The only thing I will say is that, having suffered with crippling episodes of depression and anxiety since I was 18, I have learned to identify it sooner, to be kinder to myself and some strategies for coping with it when it happens and so, as I get older,the black dog is more familiar companion than scary foe. I wish you all the best in your struggle…I feel sure you will prevail.
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I have been a bit evasive about my age… I think I like people forming their own idea of how old I am. I’m sure some of the things, songs, television shows, movies give clues.
Thank you for what you said… and for what I am going to take as a compliment about my posts/writing. That actually really helps me — when I feel like everything is bad, it’s uplifting to hear that someone thinks I do something well!
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Pingback: Sharing the Lovejuice |
stephellaneous says for me to give you
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Reblogged this on wwwpalfitness.
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Just came over from Stephellaneous to say hello and to say that you have friends out there, new and otherwise, who wish you well. Hang in there, what you’re feeling will indeed pass. 🙂
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I have felt like is never get better before. Then I did some. Then I went back. Then I did again. Have someone make those calls for you, and do whatever you can for those co-pays. It’ll be worth it.
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Thank you for your understanding thoughts. Honestly, the thought of having to find someone to see… even if someone else made the call for me… then maybe having to do it again and again until I find the right person… and wondering how I’ll even know if I’ve found the right person… Oh my God, it sounds like a nightmare!
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You are building it up to be the worst case scenario. Anything could sound like a nightmare if you do that. Hard not to, I know, but trying is the way out.
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Look at all the awesome support here. That is tremendous! I wish I had more to add to the conversation here, help-wise but I’m not that kind of dr. I think your friend stephallaneous has given you some great advice. Just know that we care, we want you to be happy and get the help you need. Sending a virtual hug, Sandra!
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I understand what you are going through. I’ve been and still working on my mental health. Don’t give up. Stay strong.
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I second all the props you’ve received for going out on that limb and saying you don’t know how you feel. Huge step! I feel for you; I’ve had my own struggles, but my journey hasn’t been like yours. A quick suggestion about finding a therapist: have you asked the nurse you see if she knows someone? Often the medical field is a community where everyone knows someone. If nothing else, it might be a first step. Even if that therapist doesn’t work out for you, maybe s/he can suggest someone else. Or, if you know someone, a relative perhaps who’s been in therapy, maybe they know a starting point or a starting therapist. Sending a long-distance hug!
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I have kind of avoided asking about therapy with my nurse. I think about it all the time and then I get there for an appointment and I say nothing about it. I really have negative experience with therapy — not bad negative, just pointless. And I just can’t afford to pay for pointless right now (or ever, really!). I doubt a therapist would see me once a month… I’m guessing it’d be more like weekly or even more. And I can’t afford the copay 4x/month, plus the nurse.. so 5x! I don’t know anyone personally who would know a therapist — I wish I did because if nothing else, that person might actually understand me!
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Followin’ the crowd to come by and say “howdy” and to send a big old hug from Colorado.
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Hello…I’m new here. Came here from Stephellaneous to give some words of encouragement (or as she put it, spread the Lovejuice-which sounds kinda strange, unless the voice of Barry White says it…so just visualize Barry saying “spread the Lovejuice”…anyway…I just wanted to say it was a big step for you to admit that you weren’t ok, and that I hope that things do start to get better and that the help you need is available and take advantage of it. Also to grab hold of the support and love you feel in these comments-may that support and love help sustain you through your difficult times. There looks to be a community here rooting for you.
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Hi Sandra
I popped over from Stephellaneous to say hello. Stephanie tells me your blog is awesome, and I trust her judgment.
I noted that the byline of your blog is “If I’m going crazy, I’m taking you with me”. I think there is a bit of crazy in us all.
On another blog yesterday I bemoaned the complexity and reality of life. It was suggested to me that I should have been born a cat as they seem untroubled by the broader issues of the world. I like to think that might just work, but then again what if I find cat’s have issues too?
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Hi Sandra, I’m not going to be presumptuous by claiming I know how you are feeling, but I wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. Depression and anxiety are all too familiar to me, as they’ve been my near-constant companions since childhood. I’ve been taking anti-depressant medication for many years, and consider myself to be ‘in remission’ now. However, there have been countless times when I thought I would never get better (for months at a time). You couldn’t ask for a more caring, understanding, and fun friend than Stephellaneous! And her Peopleaneous (spelling?) are pretty awesome too!
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Sandra thank you writing this piece. You are an incredibly talented and engaging writer with a real gift of story telling. A gift that should be shared.
Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.
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Why can’t some employer see this stuff and give me a writing job??? I know… I’m waiting for a miracle that’s not coming. (Plus, I’m not sure anyone would hire me knowing I’m such a headcase!)
Thank you so so much for what you said. Kind, encouraging words are always helpful under any circumstances. And I appreciate them more than you know.
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You remind me of a writer Jenny Lawson, you both have a similar type of writing style. I love it, I am happy when a blog shows who a person really is. It’s amazing how you are willing to share with us deep personal moments with everyone who passes by. Though they are sad and suck terribly to feel these feelings, it is very admirable. I can really connect with your writing because the way you tell it, sounds like a story. I hope that the future for you gets brighter. 🙂
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Thank you so much for stopping by and saying that. I swear, all crappy, moody life shit aside, hearing that someone thinks my writing is good makes me, dare I say, happy. So thank you for taking the time to leave this comment!
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Big hugs. I can totally relate to how you’ve been feeling. Its sucks big ol’ donkey balls. Anxiety and depression! Aaaaarrrgggg! Not fun.
You have some pretty special people gathering around you here on WP – how awesome is that!!!!
Someone said that when you hit rock bottom, it means you’re on your way up and out of it… I think that is absolutely spot on. Or you know, you could utilise that surprise cock that Steph sent you with those flowers, get yourself pregnant again and the pregnancy hormones will sort you right out 😉
I am of course just kidding! But it is one possibility…
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Oh my God! Hahaha. Thank you for the laugh.
This is why the one med I was put on that pretty much killed sex for me was a no-go, even if it was helping (and it was). But nope. Sorry. I’m not willing to give up sex (or orgasm — which was also killed). This may sound really batshit crazy, but even when I feel terrible, I still kind of want to fool around. It’s one of the ‘happy’ things in my life. And when I feel like there aren’t many, I’m not willing to give any of them up! Especially that one!
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Score!!! I got you to laugh! Yeah… I felt the same way, but now I don’t really care that my sex drive is dead. But when I do feel an awaking in the nether regions, I ask my husband, “Are you ready and erect?” and he has to jump into action before the feeling passes 😜
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Haha! Lately, I want it more than my husband does. But that’s fine, too. I have a work-around.
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Hahahahahahha!!!!
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Just wanted to say well done for saying you “Didn’t know” when asked how you felt – it is a forward step. Keep writing, there are loads of us here reading, empathising and hearing what you say. You possibly have no idea how many folk you are helping by sharing your journey. I wish you peace and happiness, it will come x much love x
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By the way, men are a different breed when it comes to sex. Jeff requests to “park his car in my garage” at every opportunity – the car has gone rusty parked outside 🙂
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I don’t know what happened to my husband… his car is outside and he seems too tired or lazy or preoccupied to “pull in”… Even when I flash my headlights. I thought men always wanted it….. but around here, sometimes I think I’m the man!
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😁😁😁😘😘 xx
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I say what I said to Stephellaneous. Look here:You are perfect… | Annas Art – FärgaregårdsAnna
https://fargaregardsanna.wordpress.com/2015/11/14/you-are-perfect/
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I am going to need to read that… every day… maybe 20 times a day. Thank you so much for that. Honestly, I never know what will make me feel better and what won’t… but this did. ♥
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I’m glad it did. I hope you find good days between the bad ones and that the good days outnumber the bad 🙂
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Reblogged this on dialogueftdepths and commented:
Whoa – following the blogosphere can be wild ride sometimes. I was referred by Stephanie to this honest, raw, ‘sad’ post, written by Sandra having a bad day. The response from readers gave me ‘pause for thought’, which I am going to reflect on in my next couple of posts. Reblogged here for context.
Note: just because Sandra was having a bad day, doesn’t mean she is sad, messed us, depressed and anxious all the time. Much of her writing is clever and funny – check her out for yourself.
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Pingback: Dear Sandra | dialogueftdepths
steph asked us to mosey on over. I don’t do a mosey or a sashay. It’s more of a meander. 😉
nice shot!
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Coming also from Steph to share some tribe loving. When the world slaps you, remember the tribe is getting slapped too and knows how much that sucks. Don’t want to be cliched and I don’t believe in rainbows, but I still hope you find some balance. Being in the hell of sadness is soul crushing.
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Clearly Stephanie is the best friend one can have.
The outpouring of support from so many people, some who ‘knew’ me before and some I’ve only just met, is amazing to me.
Thank you so much… everyone!
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Hi, there.
I read the post that led me here on Stephanie’s blog, directed there by another blogger, directed there by Janice Wald’s link party.
I just want to say that I am in a similar boat to yours, it seems like. I can relate, and I wanted to say that because I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
These comments probably help you to know that, but I wanted to jump in and offer my own support, as well, because I understand what it’s like to feel unsure about your future, insecure about your finances, and all-around odd about your “relationship” that doesn’t really seem like a relationship at all.
I live with my kids’ dad – my kids are both under 4 – and I can relate about the massage thing. When he wants something, he gets upset that I don’t want to give it, but when I want something, he’s every bit the excuse-maker about why that something can’t happen. (And these days, it’s, “I’m playing video games” – ugh.)
I hear ya. I don’t have solutions for you, maybe, but I hear ya.
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Thank you for stopping by… and for your understanding and support! It’s too easy to feel completely alone… but I know I’m not. Thanks!
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Hi – Steph sent me across. I am so sorry that life is not good for you especially so close to the holidays. Not sure if it helps but I often feel as though I am in a mire of patheticness, too. Medication and therapy help with a life time of mental illness. My mum was ill, too, and we often had little to eat on disability. At times I never thought life would get better but it did. Eventually my combo of meds worked, I married a good guy who supported my mum and me until her death. It has been difficult to work but I have always volunteered, Finally, I have a part time job as a magazine writer and published my first book. It took a long time but I got there. Don’t give up hope – it can get better. Much better and I am sending you good wishes and a sprinkling of fairy dust.
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Thanks for visiting and commenting. I wish I could be so fortunate as to get a job writing… writing anything! But I think that’s just a dream…
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I get paid peanuts for this job but I got paid reasonably for writing grant applications for non-profits. Writing is writing – no matter how mundane the subject.
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Better living through chemistry and someone to talk to is my motto. Getting the right meds is crucial. Therapy is nothing more than talking to someone who acts like they care. Talking to someone who really does care is even better. Everyone who has responded really does care. You are not alone.
Depression can not be cured by therapy alone. Clinical depression and related mental health issues stem from an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Finding the right medications may help correct the imbalance, but it may take a while to find the right ones. Therapy gives you a trained professional to talk to, but one or more good friends who have been down this road are probably just as good.
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I do however have mad googling skills, an interest in this area, and have been following the blogs of many of the responders. You are most definately not alone.
PS: you should most definately keep a list of questions or topics you want to discuss with your nurse and give them to her at the start of your next session as a basis for discussion.
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PS: I most definately want to apologize for the overuse of “most definately” in my previous comment. I also most definately liked the photo.
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Thank you for this… the thoughts and most definitely, the laugh.
I’m positive that the one med I’m currently taking is helping. But I think it may not be enough. I’ve been on so many others that did nothing and one newer one that ripped away sex in every way so even though I think it was helping, the sex-side effect was the opposite of helping. I had to stop that one. Maybe my nurse didn’t suggest trying/adding another new one because I’ve been on so many… I don’t know if there are any left! Maybe I need medical marijuana.
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